Tag: Jones Soda

Sometimes I feel like I’m the lamest member of the Jackass crew.

I’m not willing to get kicked in the balls, have animals attack me on purpose, sit in a port-a-potty that’s about to get knocked over, or get my ass cheeks pierced together, but I’m willing to eat fast food items with 1,500+ milligrams of sodium and drink Jones Soda’s Bacon Flavored Soda.

There isn’t a word in any language that properly describes how vile this bacon flavored soda tastes. Shit, I’m surprised I mustered the courage to taste it because a foul stench of artificial bacon wafted into my nasal passages as I brought my mouth towards the opening of the bottle. The smoky, nauseating aroma put my entire digestive system into defensive mode.

Its flavor is extremely potent. It’ll grow hair on your chest, and if you’re somehow able to drink an entire bottle, it’ll probably grow a third nipple, as well. The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies.

Speaking of crying, drinking it made me tear up. It wasn’t a happy cry or a sad cry, it was more of a frantic “Mommy! Please make it stop!” cry.

I only sipped my way though one-fifth of a bottle because sipping the reddish bacon soda is a chore. Every sip warranted several chasers of something that would get rid of that godawful taste from my mouth.

While those chasers helped wash away the flavor from my taste buds, they did nothing for the memories etched into my brain. Each sip made those grooves deeper and deeper, and it already has reached to the point where just the thought of this bacon soda makes me gag.

While my experience with it was bad, I really feel sorry for the Jones Soda employee or intern who had to taste test all the prototype versions of the Jones Bacon Flavored Soda. Because if the final version is horrible, all the test versions of it must have been worse.

I hate to say this, but I think Jones Bacon Flavored Soda has ruined bacon for me. I’ve said on a number of occasions that bacon makes everything better, but this limited edition bacon flavored soda proved me wrong. Now, just the thought of a bacon cheeseburger makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Thanks, Jones Soda!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle/12 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 516 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda
Price: $9.99 (Bacon soda set)
Size: 2-12 ounce bottles
Purchased at: Jones Soda Website
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: There’s a bacon flavored soda. Only 10 calories. May get you to quit bacon.
Cons: Godawful. Hard to get. Pricey. Artificial bacon stench. Ruined bacon for me. The prototype versions of this soda. Makes me cry. Its flavor is etched into my brain.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re a fan of clowns, have many wonderful childhood memories with clowns, your mother or father was a clown, or you’re a clown, I’d suggest you skip this review. Why? Oh, there’s, um, no particular reason, but just skip it.)

Whether it be the creepy Ronald McDonald, eerie Bozo the Clown, disturbing Homey the Clown, frightening Pennywise, or the threatening Krusty the Clown, I believe all of them can be taken out with any of the flavors in the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

Now when I say “taken out,” I don’t mean it as “taking out the trash.” I mean “taken out” as in “I’m taking out that creepy clown, I’m going to make it wish it didn’t put on that red ball nose today. It’s gonna try to make me laugh? Well I’m gonna try to make it cry.”

Why do I want to get rid of clowns? That’s my business, not yours, but let me just say this, if it were up to me, Grimace would be the top spokesperson for McDonald’s. Besides, clowns don’t make me laugh, they make me cry, like shopping mall Santas and the words “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The excessive makeup they wear doesn’t make clowns look fun, it makes them look evil and up to no good, like Tammy Faye Bakker and Rupaul. Just thinking about the makeup on those two give me the shivers. I think the only reason why someone would wear that much makeup is because they’re hiding something. In Tammy Faye’s instance, it was her ex-husband’s illegal activities. InRupaul’s case, it’s a penis.

Also, what’s up with those big shoes? Just like the Big Bad Wolf’s big mouth is better to eat Little Red Riding Hood with, a clown’s big shoes make it easier for them to stomp on my toes or kick me in the balls.

Clowns may have those big shoes and scary makeup, but I’ve got the five flavors from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack that each come in a hard glass bottle. There’s a flavor for almost every clown wig color. The Apple Pie Soda can put a world of hurt on those clowns with orangeish hair, the Banana Cream Pie Soda can beat down those clowns with yellow hair, the Blueberry Pie Soda can knock out those with blue hair, the Cherry Pie Soda can kick the crap out of the clowns with red hair, and the Key Lime Pie Soda can open a can of whoopass on clowns with green hair.

For those clowns that wear a rainbow-colored wig? Let’s just say, I feel sorry for them and they should wear a rainbow-colored helmet as well.

So how would I go about taking out clowns with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack? It’s easy. Just ask them if they want a pie in their face. They’re clowns, they love having pies thrown at their faces, because that’s their shtick. So when they’re ready for a pie in the face, I’ll give them a pie in the face — a pie-flavored soda from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

The first flavor I tried was the Cherry Pie Soda. It had a sweet and slightly tart cherry flavor and I could also taste Jones Soda’s attempt to include the crust flavor along with it, all of which formed a pretty decent flavor. The red color of the Cherry Pie Soda also blends in well with the clown’s red ball nose — and the blood dripping from it after breaking the clown’s real nose.

The next flavor I tried was the Banana Cream Pie Soda, which I thought would turn out to be the best, but instead was my least favorite. It smelled banana-ish and it initially tasted banana-ish, but after that it tasted kind of buttery, which turned me off to it. However, if you like Jelly Belly buttered popcorn jellybeans, you’d probably like the buttery taste. The Banana Cream Soda itself may not be good taste-wise, but I imagine it would be good at smearing a clown’s makeup.

After taking the first swig from the Apple Pie Soda, I thought its flavor was very familiar and I tried to figure out what it tasted like. While I thought about that, I also tried to figure out how many clown orifices the neck of the Jones Soda bottle would fit into. The answer was five, but possibly seven, and I also realized that the Apple Pie Soda tasted very similar to the cinnamon-flavored Big Red gum.

The Blueberry Pie Soda was probably one my favorite flavors, along with the Cherry Pie Soda. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, you will know what this soda tastes like. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, are a clown, and I get my hands on you, blueberry yogurt will never taste the same again and it will haunt your dreams.

I saved the final flavor, Key Lime Pie, for last because I’m not a big fan of this type of pie, but its slightly sour, citrus flavor was surprisingly good, and kind of reminded me of lime Jello. I believe the bottle for the Key Lime Pie Soda is also surprisingly good — as a deadly weapon when cracked against clowns.

Jones Soda also comes out with a yearly Holiday Pack which consists of horrible soda flavors like Turkey and Gravy and Corn on the Cob. Sure I could probably do the same damage to clowns with the Jones Soda Holiday Pack and its horrible taste would add insult to injury, but with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack it would just bring sweet, sweet injury to clowns and that’s good enough for me to make up for all the crying they made me do.

Item: Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given as a birthday gift from friend Erin
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cherry Pie and Blueberry Pie Soda Flavors. Key Lime Pie Soda was surprisingly good. Wayyyy better than the horrible tasting Jones Soda Holiday Pack. Taking out clowns.
Cons: Clowns! Clowns! Clowns! Banana Cream Pie Soda had a buttery flavor. Use of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Excessive makeup.

When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.

Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.

Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.

Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.

Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.

In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.

The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.

The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.

The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.

The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.

There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.

Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.

Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.

Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.

I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.

Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005
Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids.
Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.