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Did you know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?

No?

Did you know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?

Didn’t know that either?

Well, did you know that every time Kellogg’s releases a new Pop-Tarts flavor, a new celebrity sex tape gets posted on the internet?

Don’t believe me?

Well recently Pop-Tarts introduced a new Mint Chocolate Chip flavor and recently TWO celebrity sex tapes have surfaced, a sex tape with Dustin Diamond, who played Screech from the TV show Saved by the Bell and another one involving Tickle Me Extreme Elmo.

Just like in a celebrity sex tape, when the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts get toasted and warm, things get gooey, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a good thing. Good things also happen in a celebrity sex tape when certain things are frozen stiff and the same can be said about the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts. I personally think they’re better hard and stiff than warm and gooey. As for its taste, it was as minty as a Girl Scouts Thin Mint, but not as good.

Now I did hours of research, looking back at correlations between new Pop-Tarts flavors and celebrity sex tapes. Of course, most of that time was spent re-watching some of the celebrity sex tapes over and over again, and sometimes playing them in slow motion, frame by frame.

Through those hours of research and a box of Kleenex, I learned celebrities don’t use condoms, people actually consider Tonya Harding a celebrity, Colin Farrell still looks like an asshole naked, I should never stand at the urinal next to Tommy Lee unless I want to feel inadequate, and I found more instances of celebrity sex tapes and new Pop-Tarts flavors being released at the same time.

In 2004, when the Paris Hilton sex tape became available, Kellogg’s released S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, both of which sound sexier and more erotic than the words, “Paris Hilton sex tape.”

In 2005, when Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts were beginning to pop out of toasters, a sex tape with Colin Farrell and a former Playboy Playmate popped up its head, along with the heads of many others.

I’m sure there were also new Pop-Tarts flavors when the Tonya Harding sex tape and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video were released, but I didn’t dig too deep into them because both videos scared me. The Tonya Harding sex tape was disturbing because it had Tonya Harding having sex in it and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape was unnerving because of Tommy Lee’s huge python-like wang.

Item: Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, kind of like a Girl Scouts Thin Mint. Better frozen, but not toasted. Slow motion.
Cons: Not as good gooey. Standing at the urinal next to Tommy Lee. Screech sex tape. Tonya Harding sex tape. Paris Hilton sex tape.

How could you be so politically incorrect, Kellogg’s? How could you call a product Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards?

You don’t see Post or General Mills pulling this kind of stuff.

Actually, it’s something I should’ve expected from you, Kellogg’s, after all you do have Honey Smacks, which has a frog that suggests I dig ’em. I don’t know about you, but a cereal that encourages me to smack some honeys sounds like a very misogynous cereal.

How can you make fun of the mentally challenged? Each day these people make contributions to society just like the rest of us. Sure, they don’t make contributions that involve feeding the hungry, offering shelter to the homeless, or whatever Angelina Jolie does in third world countries and what they do may seem very odd to the rest of us, but they are people just like you and me.

The mentally challenged fill all kind of roles in society, like crocodile hunters, reality television stars, bear wrestlers, naked beekeepers, and all D-List celebrities.

Also, there’s magician David Blaine. Actually, I didn’t want to add the “magician” to his name, because in reality he doesn’t do any amazing feats of “magic.”

All he does is spend large amounts of time in shapes, like a box suspended in air, a block of ice, and a sphere of water. Unfortunately for him, being mentally challenged doesn’t allow him to realize that there are people every day who spend hours in high-rise boxes. They’re called office cubicle workers.

Just because they play with members of the animal kingdom that could possibly kill them, eat bugs for television, do “magic” tricks, or star in movies that get shown on HBO at 2 a.m., doesn’t give you the right to call them Tards, Kellogg’s.

If there’s anything that’s reTARDed, it’s the fact that your Go-Tards can’t be toasted or put in the microwave. They look like Snickers-sized toaster pastries, so they deserved to be put in the toaster. They are filled with strawberry filling goodness and my years of eating toaster pastries has taught me that strawberry filling goodness is much better if it’s warm.

Sure I would’ve preferred to have been able to toast them, but the Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards were decent. They were pretty moist and I think they would make for a good snack. I also think they would be ideal to use as a distraction for the mentally challenged, so that you don’t have to deal with their mentally challenge-ness.

Oh wait…It’s not Go-Tards. It’s Go-TARTS.

I’m sorry Kellogg’s.

My bad. I guess I might be mentally challenged too.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!
Price: $4.00 (10 per box)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not mind blowing good. Snickers-sized bars. 10 bars per box. Strawberry filling goodness. Might be useful as a distraction for mentally challenged people.
Cons: Can’t toast them. Can’t microwave them. My inability to read. Confusing Go-Tards with Go-Tarts. The misogynous cereal, Honey Smacks. David Blaine.