Tag: Kellogg’s

Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!

Marvo 19 Comments

How could you be so politically incorrect, Kellogg’s? How could you call a product Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards?

You don’t see Post or General Mills pulling this kind of stuff.

Actually, it’s something I should’ve expected from you, Kellogg’s, after all you do have Honey Smacks, which has a frog that suggests I dig ’em. I don’t know about you, but a cereal that encourages me to smack some honeys sounds like a very misogynous cereal.

How can you make fun of the mentally challenged? Each day these people make contributions to society just like the rest of us. Sure, they don’t make contributions that involve feeding the hungry, offering shelter to the homeless, or whatever Angelina Jolie does in third world countries and what they do may seem very odd to the rest of us, but they are people just like you and me.

The mentally challenged fill all kind of roles in society, like crocodile hunters, reality television stars, bear wrestlers, naked beekeepers, and all D-List celebrities.

Also, there’s magician David Blaine. Actually, I didn’t want to add the “magician” to his name, because in reality he doesn’t do any amazing feats of “magic.”

All he does is spend large amounts of time in shapes, like a box suspended in air, a block of ice, and a sphere of water. Unfortunately for him, being mentally challenged doesn’t allow him to realize that there are people every day who spend hours in high-rise boxes. They’re called office cubicle workers.

Just because they play with members of the animal kingdom that could possibly kill them, eat bugs for television, do “magic” tricks, or star in movies that get shown on HBO at 2 a.m., doesn’t give you the right to call them Tards, Kellogg’s.

If there’s anything that’s reTARDed, it’s the fact that your Go-Tards can’t be toasted or put in the microwave. They look like Snickers-sized toaster pastries, so they deserved to be put in the toaster. They are filled with strawberry filling goodness and my years of eating toaster pastries has taught me that strawberry filling goodness is much better if it’s warm.

Sure I would’ve preferred to have been able to toast them, but the Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards were decent. They were pretty moist and I think they would make for a good snack. I also think they would be ideal to use as a distraction for the mentally challenged, so that you don’t have to deal with their mentally challenge-ness.

Oh wait…It’s not Go-Tards. It’s Go-TARTS.

I’m sorry Kellogg’s.

My bad. I guess I might be mentally challenged too.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!
Price: $4.00 (10 per box)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not mind blowing good. Snickers-sized bars. 10 bars per box. Strawberry filling goodness. Might be useful as a distraction for mentally challenged people.
Cons: Can’t toast them. Can’t microwave them. My inability to read. Confusing Go-Tards with Go-Tarts. The misogynous cereal, Honey Smacks. David Blaine.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch

Marvo 36 Comments

Recently, I picked up the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

HEY MR. TAXI DRIVER! YOU LEARNED ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE, SO WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!

…Drink ‘n Crunch.

Since breakfast is a meal a lot of people skip, Kellogg’s is trying to get more people to eat breakfast by making it convenient to eat on our commute to work. So I’m just driving around with a Drink ‘n Crunch to see if if really is convenient. Fortunately, the Drink ‘n Crunch has an angled outer lip, which will help me see the road and it will fit into my…

HEY MR. FAST AND FURIOUS! THANKS FOR NOT USING YOUR BLINKER AND CUTTING ME OFF. BY THE WAY, YOUR MUFFLER MAKES YOUR CAR SOUND LIKE IT’S FARTING!

…car’s cup holders.

To prevent the cereal from getting soggy in the milk, each Drink ‘n Crunch consists of an inner cup, that holds the smaller than usual cereal and an outer cup, which holds the milk. Unfortunately, you must provide the milk. To pour in the milk, I had to separate the inner cup from the outer cup and pour the milk into the outer cup. There was a convenient level on the side of the outer cup that let me know how much milk…

OOOOH MR. SPINNING HUBCAPS AND THUMPING CAR STEREO SYSTEM! YOU COULD SPEND THE 30 DOLLARS ON SPINNING HUBCAPS, BUT COULDN’T SPEND SOME MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS AND EARPLUGS FOR YOUR INFANT IN THE BACK SEAT!?!

…to pour in.

After putting the inner cup back into the milk-filled outer cup, sort of like those Russian dolls, all that needed to be done was to pull back the foil lid and enjoy. The milk is dispensed through a small rectangular hole, which allows the milk to be consumed in small doses. I guess I now can fully appreciate…

HEY MS. TOO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK, YOU COULD SEE ME WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO MY LANE!

…what it’s like to be breast-fed.

Despite following the instructions on the packaging to shake the Drink ‘n Crunch gently to loosen the cereal, it had a hard time coming out. It was as frustrating as drunk dry heaving, except with the Drink ‘n Crunch I’m behind the wheel of a two ton automobile, while with drunk dry heaving, I’m behind a bunch of bushes. It’s definitely not good to be…

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, MR. DVD PLAYER IN THE DASHBOARD! UNLESS YOU’RE WATCHING THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU VIA YOUR DASHBOARD SCREEN, I’D SUGGEST YOU KEEP BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS!

…frustrated behind the wheel.

Besides the uncooperative cereal, another thing that made the Drink ‘n Crunch not so convenient was the angled lip, which was designed to make it easier to see the road. Unfortunately, the only way I could see the road, while trying to eat from the Drink ‘n Crunch was to turn my head sideways, while keeping my eyes on the road. Definitely…

HEY MS. PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING! STOP DRIFTING INTO MY LANE! YOU KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO DRIVE, NOT TWO KNEES!

…not safe.

As for the cereal itself, it was typical Frosted Flakes, when I could get it into my mouth. I ran out of milk before I ran out of cereal, which is the opposite of what happens when I eat milk and cereal in a bowl. However, despite the taste, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch just wasn’t as convenient as it should’ve been.

Also, there are a lot of shitty drivers on the road.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat smart concept. Convenient level on the side to let you know how much milk to pour in.
Cons: Pricey, since it’s slightly cheaper than a whole box of cereal. Milk not included. Despite shaking it to loosen cereal, it still had a hard time coming out. Lip of container obstructed my view while consuming. Shitty drivers.

Eggo Cereal

Marvo 28 Comments

Update: This cereal was brought back in 2019. Click here to read our review of the 2019 version.

Maple syrup is great for pancakes, French toast, and embarrassing your family name for participating in a maple syrup chugging contest

They are also great on waffles, especially frozen waffles. Actually they’re even better on burnt frozen waffles that were in the toaster for too long because a certain someone was distracted by a Girls Gone Wild DVD commercial on television.

Did you know the Canadian province of Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup?

Did you know that written things in Canada have to come in both English AND French?

Did you know there’s a Girls Gone Wild Canada?

Many of the pancake syrups you see on your store shelves contain little or no maple syrup at all. So it didn’t surprise me that the new maple syrup-flavored Eggo Cereal didn’t contain any maple syrup.

The only syrup it contained was high fructose corn syrup, which disappointed me like those black censored bars used in the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Eggo Cereal was supposed to taste like waffles with maple syrup and it sort of did. However, it tasted more like a less-sweet Cap’n Crunch with a strong fake maple syrup scent. Since I’m a fan of Cap’n Crunch, I liked the taste of it.

So with the Eggo Cereal you get the goodness of Cap’n Crunch without the shredded upper palate. It’s like with a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you get the flashing goodness that happens during a New Orleans Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street without the need for beads.

Eggo Cereal was also supposed to look like waffles, but on the box they look like Chex cereal and in reality they look nothing like waffles or Chex cereal.

It’s sort of like when I’m drunk and I’m at the video store and I accidently pick up a Guys Gone Wild DVD. The first three letters of the title make it look like a Girls Gone Wild video, but when you get through the first three minutes of it, it looks nothing like a Girls Gone Wild video because there’s more sausage it in than a New York City hot dog stand.

Oooh, a Girls Gone Wild commercial!!!

Item: Eggo Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.79 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice fake maple syrup smell. Tasted like Cap’n Crunch, but didn’t hurt like Cap’n Crunch. Full of vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Cereal didn’t look like waffles and didn’t really taste like waffles. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. Black censored bars in the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Accidently picking up Guys Gone Wild while drunk.

Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I never ate Special K because the television ads made me think the only people who ate Special K were skinny beautiful women in white one-piece bathing suits.

At that time, I wasn’t skinny, beautiful, a woman, or owned a white one-piece bathing suit. Instead, I was husky, homely, a little boy, and owned a whole bunch of horizontally striped collared shirts that made me look even more husky. So I felt I wasn’t special enough to eat Special K.

However, today I’m slightly overweight, apparently kind of cute, a man, and once walked around my dorm wearing some girl’s bra for a dollar.

Despite the progress I’ve made, I still don’t think I’m quite special enough to eat Special K.

Another reason why I never ate Special K was because it didn’t seem like there was anything “special” about it.

No chocolate.

No marshmallows.

No rainbow of colors.

No two scoops of raisins.

No toy inside the box.

No athletes on the front of the box.

No super difficult word find puzzles on the back of the box.

No crystal meth-looking frosting.

Unless Kellogg’s decided to use psychology on all of us to make us think that Special K is “special,” but in reality the only thing “special” about Special K is the fact that there’s nothing special about it.

Oh man, my brain hurts. That took too much thought.

Well there may not be anything special about Special K, but there is something special about Special K Fruit & Yogurt. Also, I may not be special enough to eat Special K, but the time I spent wearing a bra and the other time I spent wearing a muumuu surely makes me special enough to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt.

Since I’ve never eaten Special K, I don’t know how it tastes. However, I imagine that it tastes horribly bland, because it looks horribly bland, like corn flakes or Ashlee Simpson’s new movie, “Undiscovered.”

Thank goodness I’ve never had to eat Special K, but I’m glad I got to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt because it’s actually pretty good with its oat & fruit clusters and yogurt-coated clusters mixed with rice and wheat flakes.

The berry-flavored oats give the cereal a nice taste and crunch, which is good because the flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Also, despite looking like something that a drunk college kid might throw up, the yogurt-coated clusters also added a different flavor and texture to the cereal.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Berry-flavored oats and yogurt-coated clusters made the cereal pretty tasty. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Low fat. Low calorie.
Cons: Box is kind of small. Flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Ashlee Simpson’s movie “Undiscovered.” Not special enough to eat regular Special K.

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

Marvo 31 Comments

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

I grew up with cattle grazing in the pastureland behind my house. Looking back, I sometimes wonder how cattle ended up on Noah’s Arc, because they happen to be not very bright and very easily scared animals.

However, they still are more intelligent than guys who actually think Axe or Tag body spray will attract beautiful women and not as easily scared as the beautiful women who are approached by guys who wear Axe or Tag body spray.

Sometimes, when I was bored of riding bikes, shooting hoops, or sneaking peeks at my friend’s hidden stash of Playboy, I would try to recreate scenes I saw on PBS nature shows. I would pretend to be either a wolf, tiger, crocodile, or rockstar groupie stalking its prey, which were the cattle.

However, I wasn’t very good with stalking prey, because as I approached the cattle, they would all quickly run away from me, like I was Celine Dion about to sing.

At the time, it was hard for me to comprehend why cattle were so afraid of me. After all, each of them were five times bigger than me, a husky twelve year old. It was also hard for me to comprehend because the male cattle had the biggest balls I had ever seen and I learned in grade school that the bigger your balls were, the more courage you’ll have.

But then again, I did run towards them with my arms flying around in the air and yelling like I was Andy Dick on a cocaine binge. I think that would pretty much scare anything.

One day, while approaching some cattle, I unfortunately stepped on a land mine. Not a real land mine, although my town was a training area for the US Army during World War II, and I once did find a live grenade in the stream that separates my house from the pastureland.

To my friends and I, a land mine was pile of cattle poop, or otherwise known as a cowpie. The land mine I stepped on was unfortunately warm and fresh. I think the cattle were entertained by this, because some of the cattle mooed at me.

From that moment on, I stopped stalking cattle and turned my attention towards stalking Alyssa Milano.

So was there a point to this story? Not really, but a bowl Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal does look like a bunch of small cowpies.

Oh, they also look like Princess Leia’s hair buns. So that means all I need now is a gold bikini and a pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith to play Jabba the Hut to recreate the skiff scene from Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, despite looking like small cowpies and Princess Leia’s hair buns, the Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal was good and I liked it better than the Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Bun version. Although I wish it was a little more fudgy and it made my milk fudgier.

Wait…Now that I think about it, a lot of the things I eat look like poop. Cocoa Puffs looks like rabbit poop, chocolate soft serve ice cream in a bowl looks like dog poop, and a Snickers bar looks like my poop.


(Editor’s Note: I just wanted to thank everyone for the anniversary congrats last week. As for the prize drawing, I hope to hold it sometime this week. I’ll keep you posted.)

Item: Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Looks like Princess Leia’s hair buns. Better than Cinnamon Bun version.
Cons: Looks like mini cowpies. Could use more fudgy taste. Doesn’t make milk very fudgy. Gets soggy pretty quickly.