Tag: KFC

The new KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in a sauce, like KFC’s other chicken wing alternatives. Instead they’re marinated in peppers and then grilled. I like the idea of having a sauceless spicy wing because it’s less messy. Although I really do enjoy cleaning my fingers when they’re covered in sauce, because when I do it, it’s not a chore, it’s an art.

Starting with my thumb, I lick the entire length of my finger, from the bottom to the top. When I reach the tip, I flick it with my tongue a few times and then lick around the tip, moving my tongue in a circular motion. I count “one Mississippi” in my head to time each circular lick. Then I wrap my entire mouth around my finger, tightly sealing my lips around my finger’s base.

While my finger is in my mouth, I push my tongue up against the underside of my finger to help make sure I’m getting every little morsel off of it. As I slowly pull my finger out of my orifice, I tighten my grip around it with my lips and then count, “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.” When my lips reach the tip, I smack my lips and then slowly lick them from one side to the other to make sure all the flavor is in my mouth and not anywhere else. Then I repeat the process with the other fingers.

When I want to shake things up a bit, I’ll stick two or three fingers in my mouth at one time. When I’m feeling really adventurous I’ll stick four fingers in. And when I’m under the influence of something, I’ll attempt to fit my entire fist in my mouth.

But again, since the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in sauce, I won’t need to do any sucking, licking or Mississippi counting.

I enjoyed KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken and I like this smaller, spicier version just as much. However, if you don’t like spicy hot food in your mouth and then coming out your other end, you should avoid these because they will light your ass on fire. On a scale of 1-10 with three being the heat generated by putting your laptop on your lap and 10 being the burning sensation while peeing due to a night of unprotected sex with someone/something you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with, I feel the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings come in at a seven.

The hot spices also add just enough flavor to not overpower the taste of the Kentucky Grilled Chicken that I know and love. The combination of hot spices with the regular spices added to the grilled chicken make for a delicious bird limb.

If there’s one thing that bothered me about them, it’s the lack of wing pieces. As you can see in the photo above, I received one wing piece and the rest were drumsticks. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know if it’s really a negative, since I prefer drumsticks over wings because they’re easier to eat.

Overall, I really liked the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings and if you enjoy spicy wings, you’ll probably like them too. But if you enjoy the sensation of sucking and licking sauce off of your fingers in a NSFW way and/or don’t like spicy food, I wouldn’t recommend these chicken wings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings are slightly more expensive than most places. Their advertised price is $3.99 for five pieces. Also, check out Junk Food Betty’s review.)

Item: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings
Price: $4.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious bird limbs. Spicy hot. Flavorful. Lack of sauce makes it cleaner to eat. Being able to spell Mississippi correctly. Sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers in a NSFW way.
Cons: Spiciness might be too much for some eaters. Lack of wing pieces might be a problem for some. Those who enjoy sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers will be disappointed.

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken makes me feel like I’m in some alternate universe where fast food doesn’t fill your body with large amounts of saturated fat and sodium, everyone uses a Mac and Oprah is the benevolent ruler of the world, occasionally giving her favorite things away to some of her citizens.

It’s a world where everyone recycles and things run on solar power.
Homeless people wouldn’t reek of body odor because they shower.
It’s a place where celebrity nipple slips occur with less frequency.
Singer Amy Winehouse doesn’t look so scary, like a banshee.

It’s a planet where traffic goes smoothly like water through a pipe.
Lots of leg room in coach class on every flight making it a delight.
It’s a place where Simon is nice to each American Idol reject.
Paula Abdul doesn’t abuse alcohol to make herself look wrecked.

It’s a world where phones and people remain quiet through the movie.
Without the need to workout, every man and woman has a nice booty.
It’s a place where Lindsay Lohan is winning Oscar Awards.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t such attention whores.

It’s a planet where everyone has fresh breath the entire day.
You can make a plate for yourself before you leave the buffet.
It’s a place where the Octomom wouldn’t make front page news.
Everyone would know the true sexual preference of Tom Cruise.

But alas, I’m not in an alternative universe because I still have a flat ass and most fast food places still provide food that can slowly kill us. So I’m glad KFC is making an effort to make fast food somewhat healthier with their Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Pieces of the new chicken have between 70 to 180 calories and four to nine grams of fat. It’s significantly lower than pieces of KFC’s original recipe fried chicken which have between 130 to 360 calories and 8 to 24 grams of fat. A drumstick and breast of the new grilled chicken contains 250 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, and 640 milligrams of sodium, which is about the same amounts found in a Lean Cuisine Meatloaf microwaveable meal.

Of course, if you get side dishes it instantly increases the nutritional intake to the normal fast food levels that you know and loathe.

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken is marinated and seasoned with a blend of six secret herbs and spices and is slow-grilled. Its appetizing smell was similar to other grilled chicken I’ve had before. The meat was juicy, tender and really tasty. It doesn’t taste like any of the KFC fried chickens, instead it tastes more like roasted or rotisserie chicken.

However, everything is not perfect with the Kentucky Grilled Chicken. The grill marks on them seem too perfect, making them somewhat unnatural looking, like the breasts of many contestants vying for the love of some B-list celebrity on a VH1 reality show. And, like regular KFC fried chicken, you’re going to need a lot of napkins (or KFC-labeled sanitary wipes) because these grilled pieces of chicken are quite greasy.

Overall, I really enjoyed the Kentucky Grilled Chicken because it’s tasty and I don’t feel so bad after eating it, like I would with a Big Mac Value Meal.

Fast food that’s tasty AND not too bad for you?

It gives me hope that someday, when Oprah rules the world, she will give me one of her favorite things. I’m wishing for either a car or an Amazon Kindle.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 breast – 180 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium and 35 grams of protein. 1 drumstick – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium and 10 grams of protein. 1 thigh – 140 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 10 grams of protein. Yes, the long list of nutrition facts is finally over. Yay!)

(Note: Of course Grub Grade reviewed them. If they didn’t, I would’ve lost all faith in humanity.)

Item: KFC Kentucky Grilled Chicken
Price: $4.99
Size: 2-piece meal
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Juicy, tender and really tasty. Significantly healthier than KFC’s Original Recipe chicken. I would eat these regularly. An alternative universe where Oprah rules the world. When Oprah gives away her favorite things.
Cons: Greasy. Grill marks seem unnatural. If you get the meal with side dishes, the nutritional values go up significantly. Unnatural boobs. Excessive napkin use. Amy Winehouse nightmares.

With Guitar Hero’s market share thoroughly decimated by the popularity of Rock Band, it comes as no surprise that they would look towards the Colonel for a little promotional help. Pretending to rock out with Guitar Hero is now something to be ashamed of, like playing with K’NEX instead of LEGO or rooting for the LA Clippers.

Box meals from KFC seem to vary from location to location, with some offering popcorn chicken and others giving you a Snacker, but as Linkin Park once said as I cried myself to sleep in junior high: In the end, it doesn’t even matter. These meals will be the ruin of you. At easily over a thousand calories, not including the gigantic cauldron of soda that you’ll have to hold in your child’s car seat, either the fat, salt, or sheer mass intake will be sure to have you running to Yahoo Answers so that you can ask about the possible side effects of bulimia.

The meal came with a Snacker, a leg or thigh, two original crispy strips, two sides, and a biscuit. I might as well have asked them to deep fry the biscuit in that secret batter just to ensure that all non-side items taste exactly the same. I tried to entice my taste buds by asking for the Buffalo Snacker. That was a mistake. The sauce tasted like tomato paste that had been mixed with a bottle of pepper spray and nuked in the microwave until it completely exploded. You will almost certainly choke on the fumes, but at least you’ll have a few shreds of iceberg lettuce to numb the pain.

The rest of the meal is your standard KFC fare, deep fried chicken that seems to be getting saltier every year. I think some company did a chemical test on the secret “11 herbs and spices” recipe and exposed it as merely salt, pepper, and MSG. At this point, that revelation tastes pretty spot-on. Still, I have to admit that I enjoy KFC chicken when it comes in a reasonable quantity. And I must say that I am addicted to KFC’s potato wedges. It’s just too bad that only one in every two KFC’s seem to carry them. I have to restrain myself from hopping over the cashier’s table and recklessly throwing boxes of food around looking for these hot and crispy morsels whenever they don’t have them. But alas, I can’t jump that high.

The other side I chose was the iridescent and fluorescently orange macaroni and cheese. I would bet money on it glowing in the dark, which would be nice if I was decorating a garden and not actually ingesting it. You can choose healthier alternatives, but I have a sneaking suspicion that KFC only puts green beans on their menu to keep the FDA off their asses. I have never seen a human order it and doubt that they even have it in the restaurant. Let’s face it − you’ve gone this far, you might as well load yourself fully.

(Nutritional Facts – Varies depending on items, but it’s probably best not to know.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Hank the Tank for suggesting this feast.)

Item: KFC Fully Loaded Box Meal
Price: $6.99
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of variety and choices for your taste buds to enjoy and for your gullet to suck down. Comes in a box that you can conveniently weigh on a scale to really make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. You can probably share the meal and still be satisfied.
Cons: Food can be kind of greasy. KFC’s buffalo sauce is liquid dynamite. Will make you feel like absolute crap. Listening to Linkin Park on those cloudy Mondays in middle school.

BRING IT, GRIM REAPER!!! YOU AIN’T GONNA BRING ME DOWN WITH YOUR SCYTHE!!!

I’ve been feeling invincible since the earthquake the other week that rocked these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Sure, there weren’t any serious injuries, but it felt like death was coming to my door, but I just slammed the door in its face, like it was an insurance salesman, trick-or-treater, Jehovah’s Witness, or Girl Scout.

Although having twelve hours without electricity felt like death, since I was extremely bored and forced to do things like read a book. Also, don’t get me started on taking a dump in the dark because it’s hard to see if you wiped enough.

Ever since then, I’ve been doing crazy things to try and cheat death.

On Tuesday, I drank a cola and ate Pop-Rocks AT THE SAME TIME, but it didn’t blow up my stomach like I was Star Jones at a Thanksgiving buffet.

On Wednesday, I made calls from my cell phone while pumping gas and it didn’t blow up the entire gas station.

On Thursday, I chanted “Bloody Mary” thirteen times in my dark bathroom facing the mirror and I didn’t get my face ripped off by Bloody Mary. Actually, she appeared, but I scared her away when I used this poem to try and pick her up, “Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.”

On Friday, I played Black Sabbath albums backwards, but I didn’t hear the Satanic messages that would make me want to kill myself, bite the head off of a bird, or buy a Kelly Osbourne album.

On Saturday, I played Paris Hilton’s album forward, but her breathy singing voice also didn’t make me want to kill myself. Although I will admit that I had thoughts of ignoring the old saying that you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.

On Sunday, I tried the not-so-new-although-they’re-advertising-them-as-new KFC Famous Bowl, which consists of 690 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat and 2,110 milligrams of sodium. Basically, it’s a possible acute myocardial infarction in a five-inch diameter and two inch-deep plastic bowl.

Oh, but what a tasty possible acute myocardial infarction in a plastic bowl it is. The combination of a generous serving of cream mashed potatoes, a layer of sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken, three shredded cheeses, and KFC’s signature home-style gravy dumped on top, is dangerously delicious.

Along with it’s great taste, another good thing about the KFC Famous Bowl was the plastic spork and its six grams of dietary fiber. Although the 4.5 grams of really bad trans fat probably negates it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a spinach salad.

(Editor’s Note: If there aren’t any reviews after this one, please split my belongings among my three siblings. Also, I’d like a 24-carat solid gold urn.)

Item: KFC Famous Bowl
Price: $5.29 (combo)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Dangerously delicious. Filling. Six grams of dietary fiber. The spork. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. 4.5 grams of trans fat. The corn seemed unnecessary. I probably won’t eat it ever again. Strange people who come to your door. Playing Paris Hilton’s album forward.

I was going to start off this review with some sexual analogy about how some women say size doesn’t matter. Then I realized how overused these types of analogies are. I’ve even used it in a previous review. I didn’t want to stoop to that level again, because this is a classy, well-respected quasi-review website that averages 20 visitors a day.

I could have said something like, “The KFC Snacker is small, but many people say it’s cute.”

Or I could have said, “The KFC Snacker maybe small, but it tries its best to get the job done.”

Or “The KFC Snacker is small, because it admits it’s very cold outside.”

Or “It’s not the size of the KFC Snacker that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean of secret herbs and spices.”

Okay, that last one was pretty lame.

However, instead of complaining about how small the KFC Snacker is in the form of badly written sexual innuendoes, I will tell you that the KFC Snacker was disappointing because of it’s size and performance.

The KFC Snacker is roughly the size and shape of a bar of soap, which is about half the size of other chicken sandwiches offered by other fast food joints. It comes with a sesame seed bun, some lettuce, mayonnaise, and a strip of chicken with the Colonial’s secret herbs and spices, all for 99 cents.

The $1 McChicken from McDonald’s isn’t as tasty as the KFC Snacker, but you definitely get more bang for the buck, since it is significantly bigger. I guess Colonial’s secret herbs and spices are getting rare or something.

Despite the typical delicious taste of those herbs and spices, I couldn’t get over the disappointment of how small it was and how it probably wouldn’t satisfy most people’s hunger.

I guess in the case of the KFC Snacker, size really does matter.

Item: KFC Snacker
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Typical Colonial secret herbs and spices. Tasty.
Cons: Too small in size, but cute.