Tag: Marie Callender’s

What are Marie Callender’s Confetti Birthday Cake and Chocolate Brownie Cream Pies?

Birthday cake and brownies take new forms in these thaw-and-eat frozen cream pies from Marie Callender’s.  

How are they?

For someone who writes for a junk food blog, I have tendencies toward dessert snobbery. I recoil at the sight of canned pie filling. If grocery store sheet cake is my only option, I’d rather have none. While watching cooking shows, I cry out to the contestants “The rose water essence will overwhelm your pate e choux filling!” as my microwave dings to announce my Lean Cuisine is ready.

There are two wolves inside of me: one that yearns for authentic French patisserie, and one that can’t resist an oatmeal cream pie peddled by a certain curly-haired lass. I am at peace with the contradiction, but when presented with the opportunity to try Marie Callender’s two newest products, I wondered how my snobbish preferences would influence my opinion. As it turns out, my two inner wolves, bonded by their love of sugar, have more in common than I thought. I was pleasantly surprised by both desserts, although each possessed imperfect features.

Confetti Birthday Cake

The star of the Confetti Birthday Cake Cream Pie is its crust, a soft sugar cookie base that tastes homemade. The pie’s exterior is inviting — topped with confetti cake pieces, rainbow chips, and a halo of piped whipped topping. The cake pieces are cookie-crispy, and, along with the chips, provide nice taste and a textural contrast, even if it is not particularly cake-like.

The sticky whipped topping is a bit too heavy and coats the mouth with the slickness of hydrogenated oils. It tastes like the coating often found on ice cream cakes – that not-quite-frosting, but not-quite-whipped cream decorative sugar fluff – and ultimately doesn’t add much to the pie.

This leaves the thick, smooth filling to tie the pieces together. A pleasant (although very sweet) vanilla flavor, the filling would have benefitted from more vanilla or butter notes and less sweetness. In a bite, all elements evoke the concentrated sweetness of a sugar cookie more so than a sprinkle cake.

Chocolate Brownie

The Chocolate Brownie Cream Pie filling has the same thickness, texture, and sweetness as the Confetti Birthday Cake’s, but its flavor – this time, a rich chocolate – is much stronger. Sprinkled with chocolate chips and sizable chewy brownie cubes, this pie delivers an extra chocolate burst that’s clearly inspired by a brownie. Only a small slice will satisfy even the most ravenous sweet tooth.

While a little oily, the whipped topping here is light and smooth, effectively complementing the rich chocolate components of the pie. Again, the pie’s crust – a dark chocolate cookie crust – is impressive.

Anything else you need to know?

The package directions recommend thawing the pies for at least 1.5 hours before eating. My descriptions above reflect the results of the minimum thaw time, because the apocalypse could occur at any second and I don’t want to experience it on an empty stomach.

Within a day or two, the pies’ textures evolved slightly: the toppings softened, and the filling had a looser texture, similar to oil-based whipped topping. While the softer filling was more characteristic of a cream pie, I overall preferred the first-day textures. The package also recommends that consumers eat the products within three days of thawing and do not refreeze them.

Conclusion:

Both varieties are intense sugar bombs with enough components to find satisfaction among the highs and lows. The Chocolate Brownie Cream Pie is a more successful homage to its inspiration dessert.

Disclosure: I received free samples of this product. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 25 oz.
Purchased at: Received from Marie Callender’s
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Confetti Birthday Cake), 7 out of 10 (Chocolate Brownie)
Nutrition Facts: (per 1/6 pie) Confetti Birthday Cake – 530 calories, 34 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 36 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein. Chocolate Brownie – 530 calories, 34 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: Two cakes
Purchased at: Market Basket
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Definitely better thawed than microwaved. Gentle carrot cake smell and fairly complex flavor. Sweet icing and fun spongy texture. Occasional carrot shreds. Less saturated fat than the Marie Callender’s Chocolate Satin Mini Pies
Cons: The size of a small cupcake. Unexpected walnuts that I mistook for raisins on first glance. Frosting might slide off during heating. Heating leads to inconsistent temperature. Less filling when heated. Having to wait for it to thaw for a better experience. Strange yellow chunk of… carrot?

Nutrition Facts: 1 cake – 300 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 30% vitamin A, 2% calcium, and 4% iron.

The new place I moved into doesn’t have a conventional oven. I knew it wasn’t going to have one, but I didn’t think I would mind. However, it turns out I kind of miss having one.

Because without an oven, I can’t heat frozen pizzas, make casseroles or make big batches of cookies, brownies and crystal meth.

But I also kind of don’t miss having an oven.

When I had one, I had to wait for it to preheat, clean it regularly with Easy-Off and live with the fear of big batches of crystal meth causing a huge explosion.

Thank Spencer for the microwave oven and its ability to heat the water molecules in food. And thank Marie Callender’s for their new Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes because now I can serve a lasagna meal for two to four people without a conventional oven and the phosphine flavor the lasagna would have if that conventional oven was part of a meth lab.

According to the box, the Marie Callender’s lasagna contains, “freshly made noodles layered with white meat chicken, crimini mushrooms, spinach and real ricotta cheese.”

Preparing the lasagna involves sticking it in the microwave oven for 13 to 15 minutes, which is probably the longest wait I’ve ever had for a microwaveable meal.

Now some of you might be wondering about the effects of exposing the lasagna to radiation for an amount of time that equals an episode of Robot Chicken with commercials. Well don’t fret, my friend, because it comes in a magical baking tray that bakes evenly, won’t cause burnt corners and won’t cause the lasagna to explode like an overheated meth mixture in a conventional oven.

For something that was nuked for 15 minutes in a microwave, the lasagna turned out pretty good, except for one very small section that had some tough, dried out noodles. The chicken was soft, there was an ample amount of sauce, and the spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish.

The delicious tomato sauce that flowed in between the layers of noodles blended well with the spinach and mushrooms, allowing their flavors to come through. The cheese and chicken provided little flavor, but I’m fine with that because the sauce made up for it.

The baking tray the Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bake came in measures 8 inches by 6.5 inches by 1.75 inches. It’s a decent sized tray and I believe it provides enough to feed two hungry people or four meth addicts who have suppressed appetites thanks to meth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/227 grams – 290 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 630 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 31 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Serves two to four, depending on appetites. Good sauce. Can taste the spinach and mushrooms. Spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish. Comes in a nifty baking tray.
Cons: Meth. Chicken and cheese provided little flavor. Meth. Took a long time to cook in the microwave. Phosphine gas. Not being able to bake big batches of cookies and brownies. Meth.