Tag: McDonald’s

I believe you hit a certain age when you want a milkshake but you’re an adult now and unless it’s swilling an espresso with milk, that’s not going to go well with the senior partners. Hiding behind that tattered copy of the WSJ or the Financial Times is not an option either. I mean, look at yourself:

You have a dark blazer from Brooks Brothers that screams prep school chic but conservative enough for a Southern highball soiree.

A messenger bag/briefcase from Jack Spade.

That J. Crew navy blue and red striped banker’s tie.

Cashmere red socks from Banana Republic (Heritage edition, of course).

You also use words like “furthermore” or “paradigm” and “synergy” in normal conversations.

Furthermore, a milkshake could rupture that carefully put together image and how is Muffy going to react with you being caught slurping a milkshake and reading (gasp)The Atlantic? (Don’t worry I ain’t going to tell nobody.)

Enter the frappe, which according to Wikipedia (but old sport, you better not admit to looking up anything on there, lest you’ll be laughed off at your next squash match), is a foamed covered iced coffee drink that hails from the land of money strapped Greece.

Like Americans, we soar in taking something from elsewhere and make it, if not always better, patently ours. Just take a look at all the mango sauce/Sriracha reduction/flecks of truffles/sushi rolls that are made to have us believe that’s what the Japanese eat over in Tokyo. Canadians aren’t even safe with the eye-rolling varieties of poutine being ferreted by so called “hot” chefs. Anybody want to argue the merits of the Americanized Let Me In? Poor Swedes, we should have stopped at Ikea and that Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

Yet, the Mcdonald’s Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappe here serves its purpose as a coffee drink and a “sorta” milkshake. Of course old boy, a coffee drink sounds much more sophisticated than a milkshake wouldn’t you say?

Normally I’m not a fan of foods that are literally named what they are. I mean would you eat a “hind leg of the pig that has been cured and topped with cheese” sandwich? Not me. A hind leg sounds too close to the butt and with the word cheese…it just creates an illustration best left in the dark recesses of your mind where forgotten embarrassments live.

However, this works here because McDonald’s is not only telling you that “hey, you can drink the luscious headiness of chocolate covered strawberries,” but they are making it sound way more ravishing than it is. And you will be tricked like me.

Besides, at $3.19 for a medium, that’s a bit way too pricey when you have to walk around with a plastic cup that has a McCafe logo seared on it. Remember image is everything sport. The point is, regarding the high price, you’re better off going to a Starbucks who do Frappucinos way better.

At first sight, there is the standard and inviting whipped cream on top and if you dislike whipped cream, you’re an evil person who probably breaks fertilized chicken eggs. The whipped cream is lovingly glazed with streams of strawberry syrup and it tastes like the strawberry sundae topping with hints of some kind of delightful berries. It’s actually not as sweet as I was expecting and that is a good thing.

This is where everything goes pear-shaped. First, the chocolate flavor is muddled and bland which is not helped by the even blander coffee taste. The chocolate chips residing in the drink are nice and bittersweet but do little, except to convince you that maybe you should have ordered a coffee flavored milkshake.

Although the strawberry syrup was slightly intense in the berry flavor, when drank with the chocolate coffee, it just fades away like internet sensations (anybody remember Little Superstar?). Even worse, the ice bits mixed in the chocolate chips create something that made me want to turn to the camera and have a tear roll down my cheek 1970’s public service announcement Native American style.

The McDonald’s Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappe tasted like a watery cement mix of sadness and despair. The tiny ice crystals did nothing but dilute an already boring coffee drink. The concoction was so soupy and awful, I threw it out with the other incriminating documents.

To hell with wondering if you’re going to be invited to the annual partners’ dinner or if that preppy cowlick on the back of your head is just right. If you want a coffee, order a coffee. If you a want a milkshake, order a milkshake. If you want a combination, go elsewhere (like maybe Starbucks) and avoid this dreadful offering that will only confirm that all of us are going to hell in a spiffy bow-tie.

(Nutrition Facts – Medium – 630 calories, 240 calories from fat, 30 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 107 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 98 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappe
Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: Medium/16 oz.
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: The strawberry syrup has hints of berries and is not as sweet as one would think. American Psycho. Who doesn’t love whipped cream? When a senior partner tells you a joke and you laugh. The chocolate chips are bittersweet. Wearing one of those suits from The Great Gatsby.
Cons: Bland coffee flavor. Psycho IV: The Beginning. Too many ice crystals mixed in that diluted an already bland coffee. When a senior partner tells you a joke and you have to laugh. Watery and sad. Speaking like you’re from The Great Gatsby.

Purchased Price: $3.60
Size: Large
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolatey, milky, and coffee flavor equally balanced. Available with nonfat milk, which will make the nutritional numbers below less eye-popping. Comes topped with whipped cream. Gave me a nice caffeine jolt, but that could’ve been due to the fact that I drank a large one. Made using espresso from Rainforest Alliance Certified farms.
Cons: Couldn’t taste white chocolate; it’s tastes more like a regular mocha. Might not have enough coffee flavor for some. Whipped cream melts quickly when lid is placed on top. Holy crap! I drank a large one! I drank 9 grams of saturated fat!

Nutrition Facts: Large (w/whole milk) – 480 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber 65 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.

Having lived in test markets for both Wendy’s (Salt Lake City) and McDonald’s (Baltimore), I’ve come to develop something of an ambivalent attitude towards newly developed menu items. On one hand, the intrepid explorer within me loves the idea of being one of the first people to experience what might be the next great innovation in fast food. On the other hand, there’s nothing worse than falling in love with a new burger or sandwich concept, only to see it disappear and never go national.

Whoever said, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” clearly didn’t eat fast food.

With that being the case, I’ve let my heart and stomach fall for the newest McDonald’s sandwich concept, the Jalapeño Kicker. With pickled jalapeño slices, crunchy jalapeño strips, and pepper jack cheese, the Jalapeño Kicker packs a triple threat of the piquant pepper, relying on a new cream cheese sauce for cooling relief. The toppings are currently being tested on Quarter Pounder and Premium Chicken sandwiches in Baltimore and Colorado, but if McDonald’s website is any indicator, they will be going national real soon. At least I hope so, because canceling the roll out of these now would push my jaded fast food love for test menu items into Taylor Swift album territory.

That’s a pretty significant statement coming from a guy who doesn’t exactly consider himself a heat-seeker. I think that’s why I like the new concept so much. For those of you worrying about this sandwich wimping out and providing the kind of kick from, say, your three year old sister, be not afraid. This thing kicks you like Adam Vinatieri from 52 yards out, but rather than being some mindless atomic heat without flavor or texture, the kick comes in multiple layers.

The dominant heat comes from the pickled jalapeños, which build in intensity and leave a lasting but flavorful burn after each bite. The crispy jalapeños provide an initial crunch and zesty French fry like flavor right off the bat, while the pepper jack cheese gives a slightly milky note and additional spice before getting to the meat.

I realize there are some people who hate the taste of McDonald’s burgers, and while I’ll concede that they’re far from juicy, I find their seasoning and ‘meaty’ taste to be more enjoyable than Wendy’s and even Burger King’s burgers. It’s that meaty and slightly sweet taste which provides a good counterpoint to the acidic heat of the jalapeño, benefitting in turn from the cream cheese sauce.

Speaking of which, let me just say it’s about damn time a fast food chain put cream cheese on a burger. With a subtle sweetness and milky freshness that just tastes right on a burger, the sauce transforms the prerequisite tomato and lettuce into tasteful components, and helps to bind all the flavors of the burger together. The sauce is a bit looser than regular cream cheese but not nearly as gloopy as mayo, and amazingly, it doesn’t drown the crispy jalapeños.

The jalapeños have this zesty and fried corn flavor that reminded me a lot of one of my favorite snacks, Corn Nut Chips, while also having a strong aftertaste of French fries. I don’t know how they’re made or why it’s taken McDonald’s so long to develop them, but if you’re not adding them to every McDonald’s sandwich you buy from now on, there is something seriously wrong with your brain.

Unless you absolutely hate jalapeño, it should be apparent that this is a pretty good fast food burger. I can’t quite give it the ultimate score, however, mostly on account of the lack of baconage. Likewise, I found myself wanting something beneath to burger patty to distribute some of the flavor and heat. Already top-heavy, I have to wonder if moving the cream cheese and crispy jalapeños beneath the patty wouldn’t be a better construct. Finally, McDonald’s two main burger flaws, a dense bun and cheese that takes upwards of a century to melt, bring it back down to Earth and reminds you of the main differences between fast food and fast casual burgers.

These quips aside, this is my favorite Quarter Pounder. The crispy jalapeño strips and cream cheese sauce are great new additions and give the burger just the right combination of texture and flavor contrast to make it something work seeking out. I’m just hoping that the research and development powers that be see it the same way, and don’t take away another great test menu item from my grasp.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on McDonald’s website. Menu board lists 550 calories.)

Item: McDonald’s Jalapeño Kicker Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.19
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crispy jalapeño strips might just be the best add-on McDonald’s has ever developed for a sandwich. Strong, but not kill-you-strong triple jalapeño kick. Cream cheese sauce has smooth and creamy taste which helps to cool the heat. New Quarter Pounder variety that’s not just repackaging other ingredients.
Cons: Burger is top-heavy. McDonald’s premium burger buns suck. Cheese that doesn’t melt unless you stick it against the heater in your car for an hour. Could seriously use bacon. Risking test menu item disillusionment.

It’s about time McDonald’s started using some high quality meats in their products. The people have yet to see a Big Mac made with Kobe beef and we’re still waiting for a McRib made from Berkshire pork.

But there’s hope. McDonald’s has recently begun producing sandwiches using the finest buffalo ranch McChicken. The McChickens are raised from a young age in the illustrious buffalo ranches of McDonaldland, where they are fed a steady diet of hotcakes, hash browns, and last season’s unsold Fish McBites. The free-range McChickens wander the fields alongside the McBuffalo herd. The gentle grunts of the neighboring bison help soothe the McChickens and subsequently make their meat delicious. (Don’t ask for more details, the system just works.)

New to McDonald’s “Dollar Menu & More” is the Buffalo Ranch McChicken sandwich. For a single dollar, the hungry customer can receive a McChicken patty smothered in Buffalo sauce and ranch sauce, topped with lettuce, and wedged between two buns. (The last time I had chicken wedged between my buns, I had to go to the hospital.)

For a whole dollar more, the customer can upgrade their sandwich with the addition of Applewood smoked bacon. I’m a cheapskate, so I chose to forego the bacon.

Unfortunately, the slack-jawed, acne-stricken teenagers running my local McDonald’s drive-thru are completely incompetent. Although I ordered a “Buffalo Ranch McChicken,” they gave me a “Bacon Buffalo Ranch McChicken” and charged me the additional dollar. They were probably too busy watching Saved By The Bell and playing with their Super Nintendos to notice. (That’s what kids do these days, right?)

Thus, I was forced to leave the comfort of my car to place my order inside the restaurant. I informed the adolescent at the counter that 1. I wanted to eat a Buffalo Ranch McChicken sandwich, not a Bacon Buffalo Ranch McChicken, and 2. It’s false advertising to call the sandwich a “Buffalo Ranch” McChicken when the chickens aren’t actually raised on a buffalo ranch in McDonaldland.

When I finally received my Buffalo Ranch McChicken, I unwrapped the packaging to find a quite miserable looking sandwich. The buns looked particularly pathetic. And I’m always sensitive about my pathetic buns.

Fortunately, the sandwich’s flavor was far from miserable. The Buffalo sauce provided a medium heat which fully complemented the taste of the McChicken patty. The spice was nowhere near overwhelming. However, the ranch sauce failed to contribute much flavor, only serving to smother a bit of the heat from the Buffalo sauce. Neither sauce was too abundant nor too scarce, but balanced in proportion.

The inclusion of lettuce seemed completely pointless, much like reading the nutrition facts on a McDonald’s menu. (Face it, people. If you’re at a McDonald’s, you’re not calorie conscious.) It provided little flavor and textural improvement to the sandwich. I feel that the lettuce was purely for show, and could have been excluded altogether.

For just a dollar, the Buffalo Ranch McChicken is worth it. The ranch sauce and lettuce might seem mediocre, but the balanced heat of the Buffalo sauce with the McChicken patty make for one heck of a bargain sandwich.

But I must be honest. After tasting both the Buffalo Ranch McChicken and the Bacon Buffalo Ranch McChicken, it’s clear that the addition of bacon really improves the sandwich. The crisp texture in combination with the smokiness of the pork really works well with the sandwich’s Buffalo chicken flavor. Sadly, paying double the price of the sandwich solely for the inclusion of cured meat doesn’t seem worth it.

For those interested parties, I am putting together a petition to bring before Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland that would require McDonald’s to use authentic buffalo ranch McChicken meat in their products. I already have the endorsements of the Hamburglar and the four-armed Grimace. Ronald wants nothing to do with it.

(Nutrition Facts – 350 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of total fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Buffalo Ranch McChicken
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: McChickens raised on buffalo ranches. Only one dollar. Balanced heat.
Cons: Pathetic buns. Ranch provides little flavor. Lettuce is useless.