Tag: McDonald’s

Something tells me Ronald McDonald and his bakers are getting bored. Like a child in trouble, flinging every excuse to see what sticks to the wall, this seems to be McDonald’s course of action in regards to its pies. I would kill for some of their international savory flavors such as tuna. And I love taro puffs when I rock out with dim sum (I’m channeling my inner Guy Fieri)…so a taro pie sounds right up my alley but those are not available in Florida. Until then, I will have to settle for S’mores.

You know that old saying, don’t judge a book by its cover? S’mores Pie is a limited edition re-release from McDonald’s and is a primary example of that very line. The pie is unsettling to look at because the visible chocolate from the open cut in the dough looks like a shiny poopie. It resembles the offspring from one of those delectable black & white cookies and a Pop-Tart.

I’m a sucker for McDonald’s pies and the flavors seem logical enough. Who doesn’t enjoy a S’more? It’s chocolate and toasted marshmallow. I always felt the graham cracker was the star of this campfire snack. With its slight (to me anyhow) hint of salt and cinnamon tones, those graham crackers were one of my earliest introductions to complex tastes.

I remember eating them out of the box watching reruns of Zoobilee Zoo, trying to figure out why I liked these so much and if it was weird I had a crush on that pink kangaroo lady. With McDonald’s offering a pie with a graham cracker crust, that was enough of a pitch for me. As stated before, the appearance was a bit disturbing and instinctively off-putting, so I glanced at it with a cautionary eye and hoped for the best.

However, the aroma emanating from the bag evoked memories of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen oven (or in my case, it reminded me of walking past The Great American Cookie as I entered the mall’s food court because Mom only baked sadness brownies and displaced anger cakes). The pleasant rich scent enveloped me and it only intensified in the car as the windows were up.

The pie was indeed warm which is just as important as the tangible ingredients making up this creation. I pulled into an empty space in the parking lot because I was afraid that I could not fully appreciate what Ronald offered me if it cooled off. I shimmied my blazer off and loosened my stock Van Heusen tie.

Buttery, dense and mercifully not too sweet, the chocolate fell closer to a dark one than a milk-chocolate which was good. I was surprised by the thickness of the marshmallow filling. It was not as light or fluffy as I thought it would be and creamier than I assumed. It was nice and I think there were some vanilla flavors from the marshmallow. It reminded me of scooping out a spoonful of Fluff from the jar. Combined, the chocolate and marshmallow almost had the sweet and savory team-up we all love so much.

Sadly, the appearance was not the only detractor. The graham cracker crust provided another negative point (not as bad as the humiliation tarts my Mom would bake). The dough was a bit too thick for my preference and worst, it was like a boring brown sugar cookie rather than a graham cracker. None of the characteristics unique to a graham cracker were present.

Pies are akin to a good marriage. At the risk of sounding something of a Lifetime Channel movie plot, both people need to cooperate and work to make that relationship successful. The same is with a pie’s filling and crust. They need to be in perfect harmony or it falls apart and unfortunately, the dough did me in. That’s too bad, really.

The pie is worth a one-time try for the delicious synthesis of its dense chocolate and marshmallow insides. As I sheepishly wiped the crumbs off my seat, I just felt the crust was awful enough to bring the entire thing down. The crust didn’t enhance the flavors and, even worse, it made me pine for one of those feelings of inadequacy cookies my Mom would force us to eat.

(Nutritional Facts – 290 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s S’mores Pie
Purchased Price: 75 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate is rich and dense. The chocolate and marshmallow combined is tasty. Memories of fresh baked goods. A warm pie, what’s not to love? Zoobilee Zoo.
Cons: The crust is thick and sad. Memories of fresh baked goods that originate from the food court in the mall. Not being able to buy a McDonald’s tuna pie here. Ben Vereen in Zoobilee Zoo always appeared annoyed.

If I were to ever start a food fight in a McDonald’s, which I’ve thought about many times in order to make the daily McDonald’s visit for the senior citizens that surround me a little more fun, I would arm myself with these McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites (or the regular ones, which ever were available).

Why would I choose to stock up on Chicken McBites?

If I understood physics, I could give you a detailed, equation-filled explanation about why Chicken McBites would be the best McDonald’s menu item to have in a food fight, but since I have horrible mathematical and scientific abilities that would make any Asian with perfect SAT scores shake their head in disapproval, all I can say is: Chicken McBites is good in food fight. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.

Now some of you might be thinking a Big Mac would be the best McDonald’s menu item in food fight because after you throw it, the sandwich splits apart and turns into a fast food buckshot, spreading two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun everywhere. However, the beef patties and sesame seed bun aren’t very aerodynamic. Also, there’s only one Big Mac per box. With a snack size Spicy Chicken McBites there are anywhere from ten to 18 pieces you can fling at others, and with the sauces you can stain their clothes in a variety of colors.

Yes, I have put much thought into which McDonald’s items would be good in a food fight. Avoid the salads.

I don’t know if my eyes were deceiving me, but the Spicy Chicken McBites looked like they had a red tint to them, which made them appear a little ominous. The breading wasn’t light and crispy, instead it was more of a dense crunch, which I liked. The chicken inside the bigger pieces were tender, but a bit on the dry side. But, that’s par for the course when it comes to McDonald’s chicken.

The heat wasn’t too noticeable when I popped the first Spicy Chicken McBite in my mouth, but as I went through the box, the spiciness built up to a mild heat. There wasn’t any additional flavor with that spiciness. I thought they tasted like regular Chicken McBites.

However, just like McDonald’s other dippable chicken products, its flavor is all about the sauce. I didn’t ask for any of the spicy sauces, like Hot Mustard or Hot Habanero, because I thought they would overwhelm the spiciness of the McBites. Instead, I went with Sweet ‘N Sour, which I thought complemented the spiciness well. I also tried it with Tangy Barbecue, which was decent, but not as tasty.

The Spicy Chicken McBites are tasty, but the thing about them, actually Chicken McBites in general, is that when you get a box it’s either hit or miss, there’s no consistency with it. I’ve tried the snack-sized spicy and regular versions several times and, as I mentioned earlier, the number of pieces I got in each box has varied, and the same can be said about the size of the pieces. If you look at the photo above, you’ll see a lot of big meaty pieces, but when I bought another box, more than half the pieces I got were small and mostly breading.

I know part of the appeal of popcorn chicken is having those pieces that are pretty much just breading, but I feel a little ripped off when I purchase a box that’s mostly breading when the previous box wasn’t.

Sure, those smaller pieces of breading are firmer, making them ideal for inflicting a little pain during a food fight. However, I’d rather have more pieces with chicken in them just in case I want to eat them instead.

(Nutrition Facts – Snack Size – 270 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites
Purchased Price: $2.99*
Size: Snack size
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly decent spiciness. Awesome ammunition to have in a food fight. Goes great with Sweet ‘N Sauce. Tender chicken. Comes in a variety of sizes. Dense breading has a nice crunchiness. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.
Cons: Tastes like regular Chicken McBites. Inconsistent meaty piece/breading piece ratio. Slightly dry chicken. Red tint makes them look a little ominous. Available for a limited time.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid might be higher than what you’ll pay.

I have been on a ravenous fast food habit lately. The discarded evidence of wrappers and greasy cardboard boxes are lodged between sofa cushions or in the backseat of my car. Similar to Dexter and his glass slides, my uneaten misdeeds are hidden amongst the bacon jams and jars of homemade mostardas in the fridge.

Like corpses strewn about and disposed at night, I am secretly throwing out oily stained bags in my garbage can by moonlight for the garbage men to take away in the morning. However, the only victim here is me and, yes, my arteries are loving every suffocating moment. On my way home from work I decided to go to my usual hunting grounds.

And then I found it in the midst of dusk time rush hour traffic… I FREAKING FOUND IT.

The McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie.

I was salivating at the new find and my tongue had the equivalent of an erection when I read the sign again. Akin to a criminal hoping to not get caught by their probation officer, I did a quick sweep to make sure my cardiologist was not around. He would not be happy considering my blood pressure was ranking higher than the weight of that girl who played Precious.

Double Quarter Pounder with cheese be damned, Poppa is going to have himself a creampie courtesy of the clown with red hair. I went directly to the drive-thru and turned off the radio so I could hear myself breathe heavily. My mind was filled with shrill screams and agonizing yelps of madness.

Fumbling for change or a few wrinkled dollar bills, I slowly forgot the day’s events where my client stupidly admitted to punching his wife in the eye during trial. I forgot that my devoted Alabaman wife asked me to pick up some grits for “supper” (I hate that word). I forgot everything because all I cared about was sinking my teeth into that oddly shaped McDonald’s pie that would spurt cream and strawberries in my goddamned mouth.

I clutched the bag after being handed it through that small window. The aroma wafting in my car was pronounced as the entire inside smelled of baked sugary strawberries mixed with the scent of deep fried egg roll skins. McDonald’s pies have that secondary odor that reminds you that this is not the pie that your Grandma bakes. For the record my Grandmother never baked pies, she would make me bitter ginseng soup or salty 1,000 year old preserved duck eggs in congee. Yeah, the Chinese aren’t known for desserts.

Wrapped in a brown box, adorned with the image of a chef’s hat and rolling pin evoked a laugh instead of images of a pastry chef elegantly working dough on a wooden block. Branded on the box was “Signature Pies” and true to its title, McDonald’s pies have that signature rectangular shape. I’m lovin’ it.

The crust was warm, crisp, buttery, and flaky. The best part was the crystal flecks of sugar baked into the shell. I’m sorry but I know we are sometimes nostalgic for that heavenly pie Agent Cooper rambles on about in aimless episodes of Twin Peaks but a McDonald’s pie to me is just as homey.

The sugary texture of the thin crust seductively gives way to the Strawberry & Créme. I should point out that the cream is spelled créme which probably means it is alien from any dairy. Maybe not, but I cannot find the ingredients anywhere. Who cares because I would scoop this stuff out and drizzle it on a chocolate brownie.

The baked pie is scored down the middle to show off its insides filled with Strawberry & Créme. The cream part tasted like Cool Whip. The strawberry syrup, with sweet delicious uneven chunks, is similar to what the ice cream man would drop on a soft serve sundae.

Yes, it is artificial tasting but sometimes fake works. We’re not at McDonald’s for something to remind of us Sunday mornings, we’re there for something to stave off hangovers or revenge eating from forced salads and wheatgrass juices.

The slightly gluey créme had a nice slight vanilla flavor which was a tasty contrast to the sweet strawberry filling. Eaten alone, it would be a cloying pudding mess but that buttery crust makes this thing work. There are real chunks of strawberries because some of the tinky seeds got stuck in my teeth as I was making a right turn towards the exit on the crowded freeway.

It’s too bad this is a limited edition because I want to buy this all year long. One word of caution, do not eat this cold. The pie gets gummy and clunky. It will sit in your stomach and remind you that you ate something particularly evil. Agent Cooper, maybe some pies after they die do go to heaven… but I think the bad ones go to McDonald’s and taste better.

(Nutrition Facts – one pie – 290 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie
Price: 95 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: That crisp sugary and buttery thin crust. Cream or créme, it’s creamy goodness. Real chunks of strawberries. Kyle MacLachlan before he was in Showgirls. Mostarda.
Cons: Gummy and clunky if it gets cold. It is a limited product. The words “supper” or “ornery”. Dated references to a show twenty years old. Hydralazine pills.

McDonald’s has always helped customers beat the heat during the summer months. For example, they’ve always filled three-fourths of their soft drink cups with ice before they add any beverage. If that’s not the definition of generous, then I don’t know what is.

This time last year McDonald’s rolled out their frozen strawberry lemonade to help cool us down. This year, the Golden Arches have a new frozen beverage, the Cherry Berry Chiller.

Rhyming AND alliteration? That’s a good start in my book.

The Cherry Berry Chiller, which sounds like something Care Bears would drink to keep cool in Care-a-lot and the Forest of Feelings, is made by blending ice with 100 percent fruit juice. Think of it as a 7-Eleven Slurpee for adults. Oh wait, I forgot, margaritas are Slurpees for adults. Okay, think of it as a better-for-you Slurpee.

At this point, I would like to say I really love the blenders at McDonald’s. They do an awesome job of crushing ice into fine crystals that I enjoy crushing even more between my teeth. I wish my $30 off-the-shelf blender from Target could do a comparable job.

The Cherry Berry Chiller uses cherry and raspberry juice, but I could taste other fruits, like a little bit of grape. (The ingredients list also includes apple juice concentrate.) Thanks to my stereotype of cherries, my mouth expected a very tart beverage, but instead it had a very mild tartness. The cherry stands out at the beginning of each slurp and the raspberry becomes more noticeable towards the end, but in between, there’s a good balance of cherry and raspberry. The combination tastes like a slightly watered down POM Wonderful pomegranate juice. While I have enjoyed McDonald’s other fruity blended beverages, I have to say that the Cherry Berry Chiller is the best tasting of the bunch.

However, all is not perfect with it. Because it’s pretty much just fruit juice and ice, I noticed it tends to melt a bit faster than McDonald’s smoothies, which has yogurt to help prevent it from turning into liquid. Also, it’s a horrible source of vitamin C. Actually, according to the McDonald’s website, it has no vitamin C, which is strange because cherries and raspberries are good sources of the vitamin that prevents scurvy.

Overall, I have mixed feeling about McDonald’s Cherry Berry Chiller. It’s sweet, damn tasty, and refreshing, but by saying it’s made with 100 percent fruit juice, McDonald’s is giving me the impression that there’s some nutritional benefit from drinking it. But it turns out that’s not really the case since it doesn’t provide any vitamins, which is, you know, one of the benefits of consuming fruits.

(Nutrition Facts – 22 ounces – 330 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 40 milligrams of sodium, 81 grams of carbohydrates, 81 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s McCafe Cherry Berry Chiller
Price: $3.99
Size: Large
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Sweet, Damn tasty. Refreshing. Pleasant tartness. Made with 100 percent fruit juice. McDonald’s blenders. Rhyming. Alliteration.
Cons: Provides no vitamin C. My Care Bears knowledge. Appears to melt faster than McDonald’s smoothies. Drinking too many Slurpees for adults. McDonald’s being generous with the ice in their soft drink cups.

Hey! McDonald’s Hot Mustard Sauce! This is not what it looks like. I know it looks like I’m having an affair with your sister, McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, but I assure you what you see before you is just an accident.

Yes, I can explain why Hot Habanero Sauce is all over my McNuggets. Um…Well, we saw each other and wanted to give each other a hug but while we were walking towards each other, she tripped and her top came off. When I noticed she tripped, I ran to her to try and catch her, but I also tripped and my McNuggets fell out. Since we were falling towards each other, she accidentally ended up on my McNuggets.

Why would I cheat on you Hot Mustard Sauce? We’ve been together for decades and you know I love you.

Okay. Okay. So I’ve cheated on you a few times before. But I didn’t leave you for any of them, so they meant nothing to me. I’m sure if we add it up we’ll find I’ve been loyal to you 99.5 percent of the time. And if you round that up, it’s 100 percent.

Do I think Hot Habanero Sauce is hotter than you? Sure, she’s a six or seven, while you’re a two or three, but you’re older, and you know what they say, “The older the berry, the sweeter the juice.” Hey. Hey. Don’t cry. I mean, you’re hot too, but in a different way.

Oh, I can’t lie to you anymore, Hot Mustard Sauce. All right…You got me! I was cheating on you with Hot Habanero Sauce. But in my defense, I couldn’t help myself because she’s younger, hotter, creamier, and I have a thing for redheads. She even has freckles. Freckles drive me wild!

But after trying the McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, I realized that you’re still the one that I love to touch. Still the one and I can’t get enough. We’re still having fun, and you’re still the one.

Yes, I just recited song lyrics. I’m sorry.

Did I enjoy myself with Hot Habanero Sauce?

Um, it was fun spending time with her and she’s definitely the hottest item McDonald’s has ever released. She didn’t make me cry, like other habanero products I’ve tried, but after getting through the first container, she made me sweat a little, my nose a little runny, and suggested I drink some soda. I don’t want to experience that every time with my McNuggets, even though she’s quite tasty and a little tangy. But I guess she should be tasty since she’s your sister.

Please don’t leave me, Hot Mustard Sauce. I love you and I promise I’ll never put anything else on my McNuggets ever again.

Psst. Hot Habanero Sauce. Call me.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Other McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce reviews:
An Immovable Feast

Item: McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce
Price: Free with McNuggets meal
Size: 0.78 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good flavor. Younger and hotter than Hot Mustard Sauce. Hottest item McDonald’s has released. Good balance of flavor and heat. Hot Mustard Sauce is hot too, but in a totally different way.
Cons: Cheating on Hot Mustard Sauce…again. Reciting song lyrics when you don’t know what to say after gettting caught cheating. Might not be hot enough for some heat heads.