REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Selects

McDonald's Chicken Selects

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?

Oh!

So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

REVIEW: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich

Bacon Ranch Sandwich

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.