(Editor’s Note: Sorry for not posting a review yesterday. I had to study for a drug test so I can get this job I want. Don’t worry I passed…Barely.)
Sometimes I wonder, “What kind of person would I be today without Starburst candy?”
Starburst taught me at a young age that sharing is caring, except when it comes to farts and sexually transmitted diseases. With its individually wrapped pieces, I was easily able to share a pack of Starburst with my siblings, friends, and my imaginary friend Wabu, who I thought was crazy because he kept telling me that Sesame Street was just a long Chinese restaurant commercial.
My lessons in sharing were also reinforced by watching Care Bears cartoons and listening to the words of Share Bear, as I fought with my sister for the remote control so I wouldn’t have to watch Care Bears cartoons.
Starburst also taught me the lesson of rationing. Being stuck at Boy Scout camp for a week and having only one pack of Starburst, I had to learn to make it last. I accomplished this by setting a limit on how many Starbursts I could eat in a day.
Of course, being that I learned sharing at an earlier age, I felt compelled to share the Starburst, but that would mean the pack wouldn’t last a week.
So while Starburst was teaching me the lesson of rationing, it also taught me the lesson of how sometimes I needed to be a stingy bitch, which was later reinforced by listening to the words of Kiss-My-Ass Bear, the least popular Care Bear in Care-a-Lot.
Fortunately for me, with the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie I don’t need to worry about sharing, rationing, or being a stingy bitch.
Because it’s a smoothie and I like to drink it straight from the bottle, I can’t offer it to anyone, because I don’t want to spread my cooties. I don’t want to be responsible for a cootie outbreak, because eventually doctors will trace back to me and everyone will know I’m the cootie host. Then scientists will hunt me down so that they can get a sample of my blood to create a cootie antidote.
I don’t want to go through that kind of trouble…again.
Besides I don’t know if I would want to share the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie with anyone because it’s not that good. It kind of tastes like an orange creamsicle, except with more sicle than cream, because it was kind of grainy. Also, the smoothie was more watery than creamy.
But the most disappointing thing about the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie was that I didn’t learn any important life lessons from it, like I did with Starburst candy. I wish I could’ve learned something, like success can be accomplished through hard work or how to talk to women without getting a restraining order two days later.
Well at least I learned I shouldn’t buy another Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie.
Item: Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like an orange creamsicle. Sharing is caring.
Cons: Grainy. More watery than creamy in texture. Didn’t learn any life lessons from it. My cooties.