Tag: Misc Foods

There was a time in my life that I wanted to be an astronaut.

There was also another time in my life that I wanted to participate in the Vagina Monologues and express my love for vagina, but that’s for another review.

I didn’t want to become an astronaut for the thrill, glory, or large amounts of Tang, I wanted to become an astronaut because I thought being an astronaut would mean an endless supply of delicious freeze-dried ice cream.

If you’ve never had freeze-dried ice cream, it’s like eating chalk, except in Neapolitan flavors and you aren’t forced to ride in a short yellow bus to school, like you would if you ate chalk.

At night, I would go outside, lay on our driveway, stare at the thousands of stars in the sky, and imagine that I was in outer space and a part of the Mile High Club, which meant something totally different when I was ten years old.

To prepare myself to be an astronaut, I hung upside-down from the monkeybars to experience weightlessness, I jumped up and down on an exercise trampoline to simulate what jumping on the moon would be like, and had my body buried in sand at the beach to experience what g-forces felt like.

I also practiced my cool astronaut tag line if I landed on the moon, “Houston, I’m stepping on the cheese and I’ll cut it later,” which I thought at the time was waaay better than, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

However, my dream to become an astronaut ended when I learned that I could purchase packs of freeze-dried ice cream from a local museum for two dollars each and that my cool astronaut tag line was lame because the moon was less like cheese and more like the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped.

Since then, my taste for freeze-dried ice cream has been replaced by the freeze-dried marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula.

Recently, my freeze-dried food choices became slightly more expanded thanks to the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, which are made from 100% real fruit, contain no preservatives, made for children 12 months or older, and make my hands look huge.

Each bag contains four servings of fruit. However, I don’t know if baby servings and adult servings are different. Even if they are, I got both bases covered, because like most babies, I enjoy sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, and like most adults, I’m potty trained and can watch Rated-R movies.

Just like M&Ms, the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits melt in your mouth and not in your hands. They have an apple taste, which they should since they’re made from real apples, but the apple flavor isn’t as strong as eating an actual ripe apple.

Or drinking apple juice.

Or eating applesauce.

Or sucking on an apple Jolly Rancher.

Or sucking on a bottle of apple schnapps.

Another thing about the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, at 25 calories per serving, they could possibly help you lose weight and help make you as thin as Kate Moss, except without the cocaine use.

Item: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Low calorie. Made from 100% real fruit. No preservatives. Comes in resealable bag. Freeze-dried ice cream. Melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Cons: Light apple flavor. Small servings for adults. Never was able to use my astronaut tag line. Never joined the Mile High Club.

(Editor’s Note: The Squeeze Between the Cheese ended up in a draw, so I’ve decided to review BOTH products. So today I’ll be reviewing the Borden Kid Builder Cheese and later this week I’ll be reviewing the Campbell’s Carb Request soup. Enjoy.)

I don’t know exactly how these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles are able to build kids, but I have three theories.

(1) Since each slice of Borden Kid Builder cheese has calcium and six vitamins and minerals (Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin B6, and Zinc ) they’re able to give your already born kids what they need to become healthy.

It helps them grow (or build) into video-game playing, cell-phone owning, MTV-watching spoiled little brats that you want to smack a few times, but you can’t because you’re afraid they might call the child abuse hotline on you.

(2) With each slice of cheese you can build your own kids, sort of like paper dolls, to see if you’re fit to become a parent. You can make them as big or as small as you want. Unfortunately, they aren’t real, so you can’t make them do chores like real kids, but then again, you also don’t have to give them an allowance.

If your cheese kids do chores and you do give them an allowance, you most likely aren’t fit to be a parent because you’re probably hallucinating from the crack you’re smoking.

(3) The Borden Kid Builder cheese could be eaten by adults to enhance human sperm and eggs, so that when your kid is born, they’ll be a lot healthier. I read somewhere that male pornstars drink milk to add some substance to their loads when they blow it.

What does that have to do with enhancing sperm and eggs? Nothing, just a trivial nugget I have stuck in my head that I thought I would never find a use for, but I guess I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t test two of these theories because: (1) I don’t have kids I can feed them to. (2) I’m not willing to impregnate a woman and have a kid. Heck, I can’t even take care of myself, so how can I take care of a kid. Besides, I don’t know of a woman who would be willing to have my children.

Well if I could get my hands on some kids, I don’t know if they would be willing to eat these Kid Builder American Cheese slices, because they tasted kind of funny compared with other American cheeses I’ve had. It sort of tasted like I forgot to take the plastic wrapper off the cheese before I consumed it.

It didn’t even pass the brand spankin’ new Impulsive Buy ultimate cheese test, the Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. It melted nicely like other American cheese slices, but the cheese still tasted as plastic as an anatomically correct Barbie Doll.

Please don’t ask me how I know what an anatomically correct Barbie Doll tastes like.

You don’t want to know.

I don’t know if it was the six vitamins and minerals that added the weird taste of the cheese, but if it did, I’d suggest trying to build a kid in another way, instead of with these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles.

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Item: Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Calcium and six vitamins and minerals. Orange-colored. Individually wrapped slices.
Cons: Tastes weird for an American cheese. Didn’t pass the brand spankin’ new Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. Unsure of how it helps build kids.

For something so small, I’m surprised Slim-Fast could fit so much into their Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima meal bar.

How did they fit over 22 vitamins and minerals into such a small bar? Look how much stuff they had to fit in there: Sodium, Potassium, Protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Phosphorus, Iodine, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Chromium, and Molybdenum.

I’m sure they could’ve crammed more of the periodic table into it, but Lead (Pb) could kill us and Gold (Au) looks the same going out as it does going in. (Sorry, too many experiences with Goldschlager.)

Actually, now that I think about, if anyone could concentrate a whole meal into something the size of a candy bar, it would be Slim-Fast. After all, they did fit a meal into a can with their delicious and nutritious shakes that I would drink once at breakfast, once at lunch, and then eat a sensible dinner, during my “husky” years.

Anyway, I was curious to try the Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima bar, not because I’m a sucker for things that are cookie dough flavored, but because I wanted to know if I could eat ONLY an Optima bar for lunch and be satisfied. After all, they call it a MEAL bar.

Below the wrapper, the Optima bar looked like and smelled like a regular chocolate candy bar. When I took a bite, it was soft, like I was eating a 3 Musketeers, except with chocolate chips in it. (Damn, that sounds good. Someone should do that with the actual 3 Musketeers.)

It wasn’t as sweet as a 3 Musketeers, but it was pretty good for something with the words “Slim-Fast” printing on it.

Now eating it was the easy part, but making it the only thing I could eat for a meal, that was hard.

It was hard because, seriously, who gets full after eating a candy bar?

I think Slim-Fast has this whole serving size thing wrong.

They should make the serving sizes bigger and have it contain the same amount of nutrients as their bars and shakes. I figure if Slim-Fast could cram over 22 vitamins and minerals into a four-inch long candy bar, they could easily spread it out into something bigger.

Why do this?

Think about it. After you eat a small candy bar, you’ll probably say to yourself, “That was good, but it was so small. I think I’ll have another.”

However, what if that candy bar was now the size of a pie?

If you eat a whole pie, unless you’re competing in a pie-eating contest, you’re probably going to think, while dry heaving, “Oh, damn! I can’t believe I ate a whole frickin’ pie. Dude, if I eat anymore I’m gonna puke.”

Mentally and physically, a pie will satisfy a person’s hunger much better than a candy bar. Unless they’re morbidly obese or have a very serious case of the munchies.

Anyway, fifteen minutes after consuming the Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima bar, I was hungry again and thought about eating the second Optima bar I bought. I thought that maybe two bars would be able to satisfy my hunger.

However, just as I was about to open the second Optima bar, I fortunately noticed the following words on the wrapper: “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.”

After reading that, I placed the Optima bar back into the cabinet and I no longer had the urge to eat anything else.

So I guess just one Optima bar WAS enough for lunch.

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Item: Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima
Purchase Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 22 Vitamins & Minerals. Meal replacement. Chocolate. “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect” warning in nice big, bold letters.
Cons: Kind of small. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.

Holy crap! Since when have there been TV dinners for toddlers?

Gerber, the Microsoft of baby foods, has created microwavable TV dinners called Lil’ Entrees. I believe it’s made for those toddlers who are too tired from drooling, crawling around, chewing on toys, and sucking on boobs to make their own dinners.

Actually, I didn’t know toddlers had the motor skills to work a microwave or the ability to read instructions with their very limited vocabulary, consisting of the words, “goo-goo” and “ga-ga.”

The Lil’ Entrees come in a variety of flavors: Chicken Stew with Noodles & Green Bean Dices, Turkey & Green Bean Dices with Sweet Potatoes, Spaghetti & Mini Meatballs in Sauce with Green Bean Dices, Pasta Wheel Pick-Ups & Chicken with Carrot Dices, and Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices.

I decided to pick up the Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices because it was the one that looked the least disgusting and I HATE green beans, along with coconuts and playa hater.

The first thing I noticed about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact that the portions were REALLY small, which is a good thing. Why, you ask?

I don’t have kids yet, but I have a theory when it comes to food and toddlers, and you parents can correct me if I’m wrong: The smaller the portions, the smaller the poop and the smaller the poop, the easier it is to clean up.

The servings are definitely enough for a toddler, but what about adults and this kid.

Well after eating a Lil’ Entrees I have to say it would fill me up, if I was on some Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers plan. However, I’m not and I was still hungry after eating the Lil’ Entrees, so I also made myself a sandwich, heated up some canned corn chowder, ate some Thin Mints, and then washed it all down with a tall root beer float with whipped cream on top.

So how does the Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees taste?

Well the carrots were too soggy, but the macaroni and beef was actually kind of tasty. It was like Chef Boyardee, except without the aluminum can taste. Not bad for not having any preservatives or artificial flavors.

One of the things that sucked about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact it didn’t have a dessert. How can you have a TV dinner without the dessert? Sure, I don’t know of many people who actually eat the apple or cranberry crumb dessert, but the toddlers might eat it because they don’t know better.

Another issue I had with the Lil’ Entrees was the heating time. The directions said I should stick it in the microwave for 30 seconds. However, heating it for 30 seconds didn’t heat the food well enough.

So would I give Lil’ Entrees to a toddler, if I had a toddler (or if I suddenly found out I had a toddler, due to a night of complete drunkenness)?

Well if they can work a microwave oven and read instructions, I say why not.

It’s less work for me.

Item: Gerber Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees
Purchase Price: $2.39
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Perfect for the busy, on-the-go life of toddlers. Small portions means small poop. Macaroni & Beef in Sauce was kind of tasty.
Cons: Not enough food for a grown-up. Carrots were waaay too soggy. Heating instructions not accurate.