Tag: Misc

Recently, a new version of Firefox, one of the most popular web browsers, was released into the wild. TIB was fortunate enough to sit down with Firefox and discuss the new version. Unfortunately, I don’t speak fox, so a translator was brought in.

Marvo: Aww. Awwoooo.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: I’m a fox, not a fuckin’ wolf!

Marvo: Sorry about that. Anyway, Firefox 2.0 was recently “released into the wild,” how excited are you to be finally out there for the public?

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: – Oh. “Released into the wild,” like I’ve never heard that one before, you unoriginal bastard. Anyway, I’ve been downloaded over 200 million times and I’m totally excited about all the new features available.

Marvo: So what are some of the new features?

Firefox: Grrrr!!!! Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark.

Firefox’s Translator: I was just about to get into the new features until I was rudely interrupted. Who are you? Bill O’Reilly? Now where was I? Oh yes. First off, there’s improved tabbed browsing. By default, I will open links in new tabs instead of cluttering your monitor with new windows. Each tab will also have a close tab button.

Marvo: I like having a close tab button on each tab, just like in Apple’s browser, Safari.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Ptwooie!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Safari…whatever! I can chew up Safari and spit it out. Ptwooie!!!!

Firefox: Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: You can also scroll through all your tabs, which is perfect for all the porn sites you visit, Marvo.

Marvo: What? Porn? Me? No.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Grrrr!!! Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: I’m Firefox and I know what you’ve been downloading.

Marvo:: Whatever. Anyway, one of my favorite new features is Session Restore, which restores all the tabs and downloads in-progress after a crash or if you need to be restarted for any reason.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Crash? If you didn’t visit so many porn sites, like Asian Persuasion, Asian Babes, Asian Angels, Asian Happy Fun Time, Asian College Girls, Asian Ecstasy, Asian Girls, Asian Funhouse, Asian Pleasure, Asian Beauty, Big Asian Girls, Asian Grandmas, Asian Hos, Busty Asians, Asian Dreams, Asian Booty, Asian MILFs, Asian Holes, Asian Gratification, Asian Massage Parlor, Asian Office Workers, Asian Love, Asian Bondage, and Big Asian Dudes, I probably wouldn’t crash at all.

Marvo: You must be mistaken about all those sites, especially Big Asian Dudes.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Really?

Marvo: Anyway, another feature that I like is the built-in spell check, which comes in really handy when I’m leaving comments at other blogs.

Firefox: Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Porn blogs?

Marvo: Geez, forget about the porn already! Don’t make me get Bob Barker to get you spayed or neutered.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Bring it, Sperm Sprayer!!!

Marvo: Let’s just finish this interview. One feature that I probably won’t use much, but could see being useful for my parents is the built-in phishing protection. Identity theft is a big problem and hopefully it will help the less educated from becoming victims. Can you tell us a little about it?

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: By default, phishing protection is on, and what it does is warn users if they have visited a possible phishing site, like a fake eBay, Paypal, or online banking site that someone could visit through a fake bank email, Nigerian scam email, or hot girl-on-girl email.

Marvo: One of my favorite things about you is the ability to add extensions and themes to enhance the Firefox experience. My favorite extensions are EditCSS, which allows me to preview cosmetic changes I make to TIB, and Download Statusbar, which is great for seeing the progress of large downloads.

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Like porn?

Marvo: Enough with the porn. Anyway, there have been many additions to you, but none of them seem really revolutionary, more evolutionary. Tabbed browsing which was revolutionary in Firefox 1.0, is now better, and the same can be said of how you handle RSS feeds. Overall, you’re still a very solid web browser and I hope you continue to get better.

(Editor’s Note: If you’d like to download Firefox 2.0, go to Spreadfirefox.com. Also, TIB reviewed Firefox 1.0 a few years ago. You can read that review here. Warning: If you’re easily offended by corn, please do not click the link.)

Item: Firefox 2.0
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Downloaded at Spreadfirefox.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Still a fast browser. Better management of tabs. Session restore. Built-in spell check. Phishing protection. Extensions and themes.
Cons: New features seem more evolutionary rather than revolutionary. Foxes and wolves don’t really sound alike. Downloading on dial-up will take awhile. Some extensions and themes might need to upgraded to use with Firefox 2.0.

I used to sleep on a futon bed that easily transformed into a couch. If you lift one side up, the other side comes down and it forms a couch. Of course, that’s the only up and down action that futon bed has ever seen since I’ve owned it.

Recently, I picked up the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress, or NAMBLA for short. I ended up with a full sized version because it was the only clearance model left and I expect my bachelor ass to be sleeping alone for a very long time.

::tear::

Its original price was over $2,000, but the salesman said he had to get rid of it to make room for the new Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress II, or NAMBLA II for short. So I ended up getting an 83 percent discount on it and paid $342.93 for it, not including the box spring, delivery, and the bed frame, which brought the total to about $530.

I REALLY wanted a bed shaped like a heart that rotated and vibrated with red and black tiger print silk sheets on top of it. However, I realized that I should have something practical. Although, a heart-shaped bed that rotates and vibrates with red and black tiger print silk sheets is actually practical…but only when making sweet, sweet lovin’.

I’ve been sleeping on the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress for the past four days and it’s definitely an upgrade from my previous bed. But then again, almost ANYTHING would’ve been a step up from my futon bed, like a hobo’s flattened refrigerator cardboard box or the multiple-body-fluid-stained mattress of a three dollar crack whore.

It’s a REALLY comfortable bed and probably the best one I’ve ever slept on. The Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress is even more comfortable thanks to the 300 thread count sheets I bought for it.

If you haven’t slept on 300 thread count sheets and still are sleeping on your 1980s Transformers or My Little Pony bed sheets, I’d suggest you definitely upgrade. High thread count sheets feel really good, just as good as red and black tiger print silk sheets.

Perhaps the major reason why the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress is so comfortable is because it’s FRICKIN’ THICK. The mattress itself is 13 inches thick. Add the box spring and the bed frame and the total height of my bed is 30 inches. My roommate’s bed is only 20 inches tall.

If only my bed was 63,330 inches taller and I could find a woman willing to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with me, then I could join the Mile High Club.

Thirty inches is a little too tall and I have to admit that I do have to jump a little to get onto my bed, but that’s not the real problem about my bed’s height. The real problem is when this happens (Quicktime required).

Item: Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress
Price: $342.93 (Mattress Only)
Purchased at: Sears
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: REALLY comfortable. Definitely an upgrade from a futon bed. Red and black tiger print silk sheets. Getting an 83 percent discount. 300 thread count sheets.
Cons: When this happens. Having to jump a little to get onto my bed. Those still using 1980s Transformers or My Little Pony sheets. NAMBLA, but not my NAMBLA. Sleeping on a multiple-body-fluid-stained mattress of a three dollar crack whore.

I’ve gone through an entire bottle of Miracle Bubbles, blowing more bubbles than a bus load of bored bubble gum chewers, and I have found nothing miraculous about it. There’s as much “miracle” in it as there is in a jar of Miracle Whip.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. There is one thing miraculous about Miracle Whip and it’s that people still eat it.

I don’t know what I liked about blowing bubbles when growing up. I would blow bubbles into the air and then try to swat at them, like they were mosquitos, bees or if I just sniffed some rubber cement, the floating heads of the band KISS.

Keep that tongue away from me Gene Simmons!

Oh sorry, flashback.

(Editor’s Note: Now children, sniffing rubber cement is bad, m’kay.)

I’d also try to catch some of the bubbles in my mouth and attempt to make huge bubbles, which always ended up with the bubble bursting and the bubble solution landing in my eye, causing it to burn and me go crying to my mommy, like the little pussy I was back then in 2004.

Much like a vibrator with low batteries, I don’t think anyone could get much fun out of a bottle of Miracle Bubbles. Although, I think several minutes of fun can be had if you decided to blow some Miracle Bubbles in the direction of a baby, cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Consider it liquid entertainment for a baby, a liquid ball of yarn for a cat, a liquid chew toy for a dog, or liquid voices in the head of a crazy hobo.

The bottle of Miracle Bubbles would be even less fun without the included Chinese-made Miracle Wand, much like how some wands are less fun without Viagra. Without it, it would be hard to make bubbles with the Mexican-made bubble solution. I think playing with Miracle Bubbles is as fun as making the actual Miracle Bubbles in a Mexican factory.

A bottle of Miracle Bubbles could become fun if it actually could perform miracles, like float in the air and ignore the laws of gravity, part the Red Sea, turn water into wine, get Aaron and Nick Carter their own reality show, give Larry the Cable Guy a career, or get a woman to talk to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love bubbles.

I love it with soap.

I love it with shampoo.

I love it with toothpaste.

I even love Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.

But despite going through a whole bottle of Miracle Bubbles, it just didn’t excite me. Although, it might’ve been different if I had a cat, dog, or crazy hobo around.

Item: Miracle Bubbles
Price: 50 cents
Purchased at: A store with a bunch of cheap junk
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Fun with cats, dogs, and crazy hobos. Non-toxic, but also non-edible. Miracle wand included! Brings together cheap labor from China AND Mexico.
Cons: Seconds of fun, unless you have a cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Kinda messy with dripping bubble solution. Not for children under the age of 3. Nothing really miraculous about the bubbles. Miracle Whip. A vibrator with low batteries.

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ’em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ’em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.

Today, I’m going to explain the anatomy of an annoyingly catchy song.

There are various things that musicians and album producers do to turn a horrible song into something that becomes mentally tattooed on our brains. It’s sort of like how aerosol potpourri sprays cover up that massive dump you just took in the bathroom after eating a hearty steak dinner.

The potpourri spray smells good at first, but if you hang around the bathroom too long, the crappy smell returns. In the case of the annoyingly catchy song, it sounds good at first, making you want to shake your ass, but after you’ve listened to it for a while, you realize how crappy it truly is and you regret spending the 99 cents for it at the iTunes Store. It’s so crappy that you wouldn’t even bother downloading the torrent for it.

After listening to several annoyingly catchy songs, including the subject of today’s review, “Chicken Noodle Soup” by Webstar & Young B, I think I’ve pinpointed what makes an annoyingly catchy song so memorable.

1. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics.

If there’s one thing that makes an annoyingly catchy song memorable, it’s repetition of lyrics. Just like learning the multiplication table, the periodic table, mixed drinks, and putting the toilet seat down for the ladies, repetition has always made it easier to remember things, like song lyrics, even if you don’t want to.

The Chicken Noodle Soup song lasts for only 203 seconds, but the lines “Let it rain. Clear it out” is said 26 times, “Let’s get it” is sung 21 times, and the title of the song, “Chicken noodle soup” is sung 18 times. So if my math is correct, there’s a “Let it rain. Clear it out” for every eight seconds of the song.

Of course, these are no where close to the 55 times the phrase “peanut butter jelly” is said in the Buckwheat Boyz song Peanut Butter and Jelly. But hearing the words “chicken noodle soup” 18 times in one song is enough to make the song pop up in my head whenever I walk through the soup aisle at my grocery store and sing under my breath, “Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.”

2. Make it ass-shakeable.

For some adults, listening or watching The Wiggles or Barney the purple dinosaur causes quick channel changing, violent shaking of televisions, uncontrollable crying, and impromptu games of Russian Roulette. It also makes some parents wonder if having to tolerate The Wiggles or Barney was worth having children.

However, with young children they are very successful because those crazy colorful Australians and that frickin’ big ass purple dinosaur make children want to dance. Annoying catchy songs do the exact same thing in the clubs or in your car. But then again, there’s lots of alcohol at any club, and if alcohol has the power to make me look good to women at a club, it also has the power to make a song ass-shakeable, no matter how stupid the lyrics are.

What also helps make a song ass-shakeable is the use a sound effect repeatedly in the beat. A lot of hip-hop producers weave police sirens into their beats, which on several occasion have caused me to look in my rear view mirror to see if I’m being pulled over or if I need to make way for an ambulance. In the Chicken Noodle Soup song, there’s an air raid siren which just doesn’t want to stop in my head, even when the song is over.

3. Have lyrics and a title that make no sense at all, and if possible, relate it to food.

“Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?”

“Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side?”

Monkeys with typewriters could probably come up with better lyrics than these annoyingly catchy songs, if monkeys had the ability to form words, sentences, paragraphs, and knew how to work a QWERTY keyboard.

But history has shown that crazy lyrics that are repeated over and over again, have references to food, and have an ass-shakeable beat with them equals annoyingly catchy goodness and eventually a reference on Family Guy.

Item: Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Annoyingly catchy. Makes me want to shake my ass when there’s alcohol in my system. Possible future Family Guy reference.
Cons: Excessive use of air raid sirens. Repetitive lyrics. Me shaking my ass. Lyrics make no sense. The Wiggles and Barney.