Tag: Misc

On occasion, I like to help the MILFs and the DILFs of the world.

For those of you who don’t know, DILFs are Daddies I‘d Like to help with Fatherhood, while MILFs are still hot, sexy MILFs.

MILFs and DILFs are inundated with products specifically made for kids. When I walk down the aisles in the personal care section of a store, I see many products for kids, while looking for things to review, giving deodorant scent recommendations to people who didn’t ask, wishing the hip-hop trio A Tribe Called Quest would come out with a new album every time I see Q-Tips, and trying to determine the pros and cons of pads and tampons.

There’s shampoo for kids, toothpaste for kids, body wash for kids, vitamins for kids, aspirin for kids, echinacea for kids, and shaving razors for really hairy kids. Because there are so many kid-specific products, I want to help the MILFs and DILFs sift though these products.

Recently, I was given a few cans of Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen from Robert, who some of you know as, “Robert the Condom Guy.” I think he probably sent me the sunscreen because he didn’t want to be known as “Robert the Condom Guy.”

Anyway, I don’t have kids of my own — unless someone knows something that I don’t — so I couldn’t try out the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray on a kid. So being the natural guinea pig that I am, except hairier, I tried this product for a couple of weeks on myself during afternoon jogging sessions, which help me keep my slightly overweight girlish figure.

The main draw of this product is the fact that it’s a spray-on sunscreen, which allows easy application of sunscreen on kids, without the feeling of appearing child molester-ish, which some folks get with regular rub-on sunscreen.

Application of the clear Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen on my arms, legs and neck was quick and easy, and it dried within seconds. Although applying it to my face wasn’t so easy. The directions on the can say to spray it in my hands to apply to my face, but when I followed those directions, the alcohol fumes from it made me gag, much like I do when I’m watching the scene in the movie Exit to Eden when Rosie O’Donnell is dressed up in S&M gear.

I expected the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen to have a fruity scent, like most kid-specific products, but instead it smelled like any other sunscreen. Thank goodness it had a typical sunscreen scent, because I wouldn’t feel very masculine during my afternoon jogging sessions if I smelled like “wild watermelon” or “cherry blast.”

The sunscreen seemed to have provided great sun protection since I didn’t feel any sunburn afterwards and it also seemed to produce lasting protection despite my sweating like a pig during my one hour jogging sessions.

So while the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen is made for 8-year-olds, it’s strong enough for MILFs and DILFs as well.

Item: Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray Sunscreen
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Robert the Condom Guy
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick and easy to apply. Waterproof. UVA/UVB Protection. Goes on clear, so there’s no white crap. Not as greasy as rub-on sunscreen. Spray on is perfect if you don’t want to look like a child molester or NAMBLA member. No kiddie scent, which makes it possible for adults to use without smelling like kiddies. No CFCs. Robert the Condom Guy.
Cons: Application of it on face. Not wearing sunscreen when outdoors. Looking like a child molester. Rosie in S&M gear.

I have to admit that I was wrong and I should never judge a book by its night vision sex tape.

I’ve made lots of fun of Paris Hilton, along with everyone else not named Paris Hilton, but I’m proud of her for trying to find her niche in the world. Sure no one really gave a rat’s ass about her until her infamous sex tape, but instead of letting that totally un-masturbationable video label her as the “Hotel Heiress Ho,” she’s gone out and tried to make something of herself.

The more that I think about it, the more I realize that Paris Hilton is just like me….Well, my college career at least.

I spent six years in college and during that time I switched my major about four times. First, it was Accounting, then Journalism, then Athletic Training, then American Studies, and then I finally ended up majoring in English. This is very similar to Paris Hilton’s life. First, she was a spoiled rich brat, then a “fashion model,” then an “actress,” then an “author,” and now she’s a “singer.”

Oh, but the similarities between Paris Hilton and my college career don’t end there. Paris failed horribly in the movie House of Wax and I failed horribly in Accounting 201, Math 100, Anatomy 301, Anatomy Lab 301, and Russian 101. Sure she won the 2005 Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her role in the movie, but I won probation for my 1.5 GPA during my sophomore year.

Paris and I have also both been in relationships with people we totally regret being with. For her, it’s Rick Salomon, who stars in the sex tape with her. For me, it’s a girl I’m going to nickname “The Bass Mouth Kisser” because kissing her was much like French kissing a bass fish, except messier.

Since Paris and I seem to be kindred spirits, I had to pick up the first single from her debut album off of the iTunes Music Store. I also did it because I want to support her and her dream to be something other than that motionless short-haired blond chick in that sex tape.

Don’t believe I bought it? Check my iPod’s screen on the left.

So can Paris sing?

Well with today’s technology, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and even tone deaf people like myself can sound good. This same technology made Paris sort of sound like Gwen Stefani in this song. As for the lyrics, I’m pretty sure she didn’t write them herself, because if you’ve read any of her books or the essay portion of her GED exam, you’ll know that writing isn’t her strong point.

Although, I have to admit that its beat kind of makes me want to shake my big booty. Actually, its reggae beat kind of makes me want to skank.

Now just to clarify, when I say “skank,” I’m not talking about Paris Hilton, I’m talking about dancing to a reggae or ska beat.

The reggae beat and lyrics make for an okay Paris Hilton song, but I think the same reggae beat and lyrics would make an awesome UB40 song.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Helldog, Carrie, and CarbonNYC for being selected as the winners of The Impulsive Buy’s 300th Review Prize Drawing. They will each receive a $25 gift certificate to Threadless.com. Thank you to everyone who participated.)

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Item: Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Music Store
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It has the structure of a song: verse one, chorus, verse two, chorus, verse three, chorus. Kind of makes me want to skank. Lyrics and reggae beat would make for an awesome UB40 song. Paris’ attempts to make her niche in the world.
Cons: Money can buy you a record deal, or more specifically, a record label so that you can give yourself a record deal. Technology can make Paris sound like Gwen Stefani. Excessive use of a breathy voice, Paris Hilton’s un-masturbationable sex tape. My college career. “The Bass Mouth Kisser.”

I’m sorry I’ve been totally ignoring you, ladies.

I don’t want to you to think that I don’t care about you, because I really do care about you. You’re very special to me and I cherish what little time we spend together. But you have to understand that I’ve been helping out many people, like Asians, vegetarians, hungry travelers, naked people, and skinny alcoholics. Because of this, I haven’t had the time or the energy to do the things we usually do with each other.

For example, I know I haven’t been massaging your back, shoulders, feet, arms, legs, head, and eyebrows like I usually do. I know you miss it, because it’s quality time spent together and I know that every time I massaged you, I would take you away, which was the reason why you gave me the nickname “The Human Calgon Bath.”

I also know that we haven’t been cuddling or talking much and you probably feel distant from me, but I don’t really know what to talk about when I’m with you.

I don’t think you’d be interested in hearing about how excited I am about the new Barenaked Ladies album or my wondering about how they’re going to have an X-Men 4 or what I find in my belly button every day.

I don’t even whisper sweet nothings into your ear anymore, like “My love is like a red rose,” “Your skin is soft like a flower petal,” “I love the way your armpit smells,” or “Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love.”

So to make up for the neglect, I’m going to review the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash, just for you.

I know that reviewing it probably won’t make up for the fact that I don’t say anything when you ask me if those jeans make your ass look fat or the blank stare I give you when you want me to vote for the least talented contestant on American Idol, but it’s the thought that counts and the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash just might be the remedy to bring us closer together again.

The Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash is not only a body wash, it’s also a shampoo and a bubble bath. Its strawberry scent smelled good. It was like I was playing with my a Strawberry Shortcake doll, brushing its red hair with a small plastic brush, while having a tea party with Apple Dumplin’ and Huckleberry Pie. It’s also got conditioning Pro-Vitamin B5.

Its multiple uses makes me wish I had something like this during my Cool Water for Men scent wearing days, when I not only had the cologne, but I also had the deodorant, shower gel, and aftershave. I literally reeked of Cool Water.

As a shampoo, it takes quite a bit of it to make a good lather, but it would probably take a whole lot more if I washed your hair, like I usually did when I massaged your scalp. A lack of lather can also be said about its use as a body wash, which I would probably use if we showered together again, except for those 5 to 7 days out of the month when your “friend” comes over to visit. As a bubble bath, it does a decent job of creating a layer of bubbles for a soothing warm bubble bath, just like the ones we used to take together, surrounded by the glow of candles and soft classical music that ended with severely pruney fingers. Although the bubbles didn’t last as long as I would’ve liked them to.

See, ladies. Maybe this Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash can bring us closer together and take us back to a time when I revolved around you.

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Item: Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash
Price: $12.00
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Strawberry goodness. 3-in-1 body wash, shampoo, and bubble bath. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear. A tea party with Strawberry Shortcake. Not tested on animals.
Cons: Expensive. Neglecting the ladies. Takes a lot to make a good lather. Bubble bath bubbles didn’t last as long as I would like. Not frozen. When your “friend” comes over to visit. Reeking of Cool Water. Pruney fingers.

Oh yeah, baby.

Now that I’ve got an Ikea Skyar Lamp in my room, it’s now the perfect place for making sweet, sweet love. The glow from the handmade paper lamp sets my mood and my room for love, baby. It’s the perfect lamp for making hot, passionate love, because it looks like an erection with a condom that’s way too big for it, hence the wrinkling. Its metal shaft and metal balls…I mean base will make sure it stands up all night.

The lamp has three sockets to insert bulbs in, which aren’t included in the box, but putting two of them in gives enough light to set the mood for lovin’ and enough darkness to hide my face, which helps prevent you from realizing that you’re making sweet, sweet love to me.

Turning on the lamp is as easy as turning me on, baby. The switch is on the electrical cord and it’s a big switch, which makes it easy to instantly turn off the lamp, just in case you don’t like seeing the hairy forests under my armpits or around my C-3PO and my two R2D2s when we get down to our Adam and Eve costumes.

With only me, you, and the glow from the Ikea Skyar Lamp, the first thing I would do is lay above you and lick your eyebrows, like I was a cat cleaning your fur. Awww, yeah. You know you like that. Then I would work my way down your beautiful face to your luscious nose, licking the tip of it. Don’t worry, baby. I brushed my teeth AND my tongue.

From there I would make my way south to your lovely lips, kissing them ever so gently and then licking them so that I can taste the flavor of your lipstick. Then I would passionately bite your lower lip, slowly pull it away from you, let it go, and then bark once like a dog.

By this point, I know you want me, but I’ll keep the anticipation high and make you want me even more.

After your lovely lips, I would gently caress your Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa, licking the observatories on each summit, making their telescopes extend. I’ll make sure that I spend an equal amount of time on each mountain, examining every inch with my famous French explorer, Captain Ton Gue.

Once Captain Ton Gue has spent enough time to create a topographic map of your mountain range, I’ll move down to find whatever treasures await me in that cave called the belly button…Unless it’s an outie.

In that situation, I’ll just head back north and spend a little more time in the mountain ranges, which will allow me to soak up more of the surrounding area, like the cleavage or armpits.

After exploring your belly button with Captain Ton Gue and removing whatever lint and dirt he collected on his uniform, I’ll move down to your Yosemite Valley. The first thing I would do there is admire your rock formations on both sides of the valley, then I’d clear some brush, if there is brush, and then I’d make my way inside your visitor’s center with Captain Ton Gue. While at your visitor’s center, I would also make sure to eat at your snack bar for 15 minutes or longer and try to make your earth quake.

Once I’ve had my fill, or once you’ve had your fill, I’ll let you do whatever you want with my big quill pen and two ink wells. I’ll just lay back and enjoy what comes to your mind. Hopefully, you don’t make my two ink wells spill before the real fun.

After that, if you’re ready, you can have me your way, just like Burger King. We’ll be all over each other like two wet towels in a dryer on high heat.

Then two or three minutes later, I’ll be done, which is the same amount of time it took for me to put the Ikea Skyar Lamp together.

Don’t worry, baby. I’m all about quality, not quantity.

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Item: Ikea Skyar Lamp
Price: $9.99 (on sale)
Purchased at: Ikea
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap, but looks slightly expensive. One of the nicest looking things in my apartment. Easy and quick to put together. The lamps glow is perfect for setting the mood for sweet, sweet lovin’. Big ass light switch on power cord. Eating at the snack bar in your Yosemite Valley.
Cons: Bulbs not included and must use a special type of bulbs. My inability to last longer than two or three minutes while making sweet, sweet love. Shipping it back to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

The six F’s I earned in college…Check.

Owning Carmen Electra’s rap CD…Check.

Getting aroused by a Photoshopped nude image of Rosie O’Donnell…Check.

That experiment involving peanut butter, a microwave, and a body part that rhymes with the word “machinist”…Check.

Oh, hello there.

I’m just making a list of things I want to scrub away with the new Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub. According to its advertisements I’ve seen in magazines and on television, it can scrub away the shame caused by questionable hook-ups.

I figured if it’s powerful enough to scrub away the shame of hooking up with either a female Romanian bodybuilder with more armpit hair than most men, that “woman” met via the “Anything Goes” personals section of a local alternative newspaper, or the “25-year-old” party girl on MySpace who turned out to be a 54-year-old party woman, but partied so hard that she looked 74 years old, it could also help me get rid of all the shameful things I’ve done in my life.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub uses desert minerals and cactus oil to deeply clean and exfoliates to remove dirt, dry skin, and possibly that incident with a mime, monkey, and a bath tub full of mayonnaise.

After using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub for several days, I can’t seem to scrub away the shame of owning the LaToya Jackson Playboy issue or that time I let a dog lick my face for longer than I should’ve and imagined it was Natalie Portman with really overactive saliva glands.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub has not been able to scrub away the shame I accumulated over the years, but I do think its masculine scent will keep away any possible questionable hook-ups, because it just doesn’t smell good. In the bottle, it smells good. All over my body, not so much.

How do I know this?

Well after taking a shower with the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub, I walked over to the convenience store down the street. While there, I passed by a very cute college girl in the candy aisle. Right after I passed by her, she began coughing, like she smelled something bad.

I think I was that something bad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out if it’s possible to use the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub to help me scrub away the shame of using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub.

Item: Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub
Price: $4.39
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s yellow. Desert minerals exfoliate the skin. Nice grippy bottle. Rich lather.
Cons: Like most Axe products, it smells lame. The desert minerals are redundant if you use a loofah. Women possibly won’t like the scent. Probably better repels women than attracts them. My list of things I need to scrub away.