Tag: Misc

Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

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Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

You know what I hate?

I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.

Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in.

I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.

I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.

There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.

Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.

Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.

Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.

Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?

Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.

Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.

First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.

Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.

Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.

So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.

So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.

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Item: Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
Purchase Price: $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
Cons: Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.

(Editor’s Note: To understand today’s review, you should be familiar with the MTV show Pimp My Ride. If you aren’t, read about it here, then read the review.)

(Marvo enters West Coast Customs.)

Xzibit: Check this out. When I first saw your razor, Marvo, I wanted to dispose of your disposable razor because it looked like it couldn’t even shave the mustache off of a Russian female weightlifter on steroids. It had only two blades that looked as sharp as a butter knives. Plus, it had that lame blue and seafoam paint job. But the fellas at West Coast Customs turned your butter knife into a samurai sword. Check out your new razor.

(Pulls curtain off of new razor.)

Marvo: OH SNAP! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY, MAN! That can’t be my razor!

(Marvo jumps on Xzibit, accidently scratching Xzibit’s face with his beard)

Xzibit: Yo, Grizzly Adams! Get off of me!

(West Coast Customs crew clap and cheer.)

Q: Wassup, Marvo. Now the first thing you probably notice about your new razor is the color. We had to get rid of that wack blue and seafoam paint job because it looked depressing. So we hooked you up with a copper and silver paint job, but as you can also see, we put on a lot of chrome.

Marvo: Awww, hell yeah! Now that’s whut I’m talkin’ ’bout!

Q: You’ve got a chrome handle and a chrome neck, so you can always check yourself to see how good you’re looking.

Xzibit: Or see if you’ve got anything between your teeth. Heh, heh.

Q: We also put on some ground effects to make your razor look sleek. It’s easy to detach the ground effects from your razor. Also, if you look underneath the ground effects there’s room for extra razor cartridges.

Marvo: Damn!

Q: Now remember how your razor had just two blades that couldn’t put a dent into the dense hairy legs of a mountain hippie. We solved that by taking out your two lame blades and replacing them with FIVE smaller and thinner blades.

Marvo: No way! FIVE BLADES! How did you guys do that?

Xzibit: Ancient Chinese secret. Heh, heh.

Q: Also, you know how sometimes it’s hard to even out your sideburns. Well we added a sixth blade on the top of the razor’s head to help you maintain your sideburns. So incase you want to be Elvis, you’ve got the Precision Trimmer to help you.

Xzibit: (Impersonating Elvis) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Q: Now Mad Mike’s gonna show you all the crazy electronics we put in your razor.

Mad Mike: Hey, Marvo. Press that copper button right there.

(Marvo presses button.)

Marvo: OH SNAP! It’s vibrating.

Mad Mike: That vibrating is actually gentle micro-pulses which will help you get a closer shave by stimulating your hair.

Xzibit: It vibrates? So I guess guys AND girls will like your razor. Heh, heh.

Mad Mike: To make it vibrate we put a battery in your razor. It’s even got a indicator that tells you when your battery is running low.

Marvo: A battery!?! No way, dawg! That’s insane.

Xzibit: Now there’s one last thing I want to give you. Because it costs and arm and a leg to buy replacement cartridges for your new razor, I’m going to give you a set of extra razor cartridges.

Marvo: Thanks Xzibit, and thanks West Coast Customs, you guys did an awesome job, but now I have to take this razor for a test spin.

Xzibit: Well dawg, you’ve officially been pimped.

(Marvo heads back home in his beat down Ford Pinto. He pulls up to his apartment where his friends are waiting. Marvo shows them his pimped razor. His friends go wild.)

Random Friend: Oh my god! It vibrates!

Random Friend Who Is Pretending To Be Marvo’s Friend Because He Wanted To Be On TV: There’s FIVE BLADES! Oh, I can’t wait for the six blade razor.

Sasquatch: Oh man, I TOTALLY need one of those!

Marvo: Man, getting my razor pimped was the best thing that has ever happened to me, even better than that time I saw John Ritter at our local shopping center. Although, it took some time getting used to my pimped razor because the head of the razor is so big. The Precision Trimmer totally helped with maintaining my sideburns. I definitely think I got a closer and more comfortable shave than with my old blue and seafoam razor, but I think the shaving job was just as good as my other razor. Maybe with my clean shaven face, the women will starts to notice me.

Marvo: Thanks MTV for Pimpin’ My Razor.

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Item: Gillette Fusion Power
Purchase Price: $9.94
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Close and comfortable shave. Just as good as my Gillette M3Power Nitro. Totally pimped our razor. Shiny. Five frickin’ blades. Precision Trimmer is helpful with sideburns. It frickin’ vibrates. Low battery light indicator. Shower safe.
Cons: Big razor head took some time getting used to. Not backwards compatible with Mach3 cartridges. New cartridges cost an arm and a leg, around $14 for only FOUR of them.

Excuse me. Do you like children? You do! Great! So why don’t you, me, and those twins on your chest have a fun family outing back at my place?

Oh, hello there!

I’m just testing out the new Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist. It not only helps freshen my breath, it also helps me as I practice my pick up lines in the mirror. It’s like Binaca, except in a plastic container that looks like a cigar cutter or a tool used for circumcisions.

I’ve also been thinking about adding the Listerine PocketMist to my usual routine when I’m picking up women at a bar or club, which goes something like this:

1. See woman.
2. Spray Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist into my mouth.
3. Walk over the woman.
4. Tap woman on the shoulder.
5. Use AWESOME pickup line.
6. Get napkins to wipe off the drink the woman threw at my face.
7. Pretend she didn’t just kick me in the balls.
8. See another woman.
9. Repeat.

Just a little warning for you guys who plan to use my picking-up-women routine, it works best in a bar or club, but definitely doesn’t work well at coffee shops, because they have better lighting than a bar or club and coffee is really hot. Also, keep away from tea houses as well.

Despite the minty fresh flavor not lasting very long and not producing a nasal-clearing sensation like Listerine PocketPaks, I think the Listerine PocketMist would totally compliment the AWESOME pick up lines I use. For example:

Excuse me. Are you a pirate? No? Well then, what are you doing with that big booty?

Oh yeah! Yahtzee!

Sure I might get a few slaps in the face or a restraining order, but all I need is one “yes.” Hey, it took Colonel Sanders hundreds of times before someone bought his chicken recipe and it also took Thomas Edison hundreds of times before he perfected the light bulb.

My pick-up routine is not only for guys, but women can use it as well. Here’s a great pick up line you women can use on men.

Excuse me, I’m REALLY thirst. Do you mind if I suck on your six-pack abs?

The Listerine PocketMist not only might help you women when picking up men, it might also come in handy to repel men. If you don’t have any pepper spray handy or if you’re tired of kicking guys in the nuts, just spray some of it into the guy’s face and watch them squirm. It will deter guys with extremely greasy hair, too much cologne, missing teeth, or cheesy pick up lines.

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Item: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist
Purchase Price: $2.99 (from Drugstore.com)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gives temporary fresh breath. Also works as a way to repel guys with cheesy pick up lines. Good for 140 sprays or one day of practicing pick up lines in the mirror. My pick up lines.
Cons: Fresh breath feeling lasts only for several minutes. Not as strong as Listerine PocketPaks. Restraining orders. Using pick up lines on women as coffee shops.

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Just to let you know, I was sick at home the other week, hence the cold products to review this week. The product for today’s review was suggested by Impulsive Buy reader, Josh, who was curious to know if today’s product worked after seeing a commercial for it on television.

I also sometimes am curious about a product after seeing its commercial, like those UPS “What can brown do for you?” ads. When I see them I wonder stuff like, “Can brown deliver a pizza to me?” or “Can brown sharpen my pencils?” or “Can brown defeat hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi?”)

Depending on whether you’re hungry or full, each SudaCare Shower Soothers tablet either looks like a gigantic blue Smarties or a big Alka-Seltzer.

However, unlike Smarties and Alka-Seltzer, the Shower Soothers aren’t meant to be consumed orally. Instead they work by using the stream of water from your shower to turn that big blue tablet into soothing vapors of eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor to give you temporary comfort when you’re congested.

It basically can clear your sinuses much like a Halls drop, a bowl of spicy curry, or sitting in the restroom stall next to the Incredible Hulk while he’s taking a crap.

The Shower Soothers are produced by every 70-year-old horndog’s friend, Pfizer, which explains the blue color and my urge to get it on with Estelle Getty. Each tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower, which is about four minutes longer than I would last if I got it on with Estelle Getty.

While using the product in the shower, I could smell the eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor vapors, but they weren’t as powerful as I hoped they would be.

A few minutes after stepping out of the shower, there was this warm soothing feeling on my chest and upper back. It felt like someone rubbed Ben Gay on me or like Estelle Getty passed out on top of me after making sweet, sweet love.

Unfortunately, the Shower Soothers didn’t help with my congested nose, congested chest, or my penile dysfunction. I think a Halls drop does a much better job.

The Shower Soothers may have not worked for me, but I think the eucalyptus in it would be great for koalas who want to create a eucalyptus vapor chamber to get high.

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Item: SudaCare Shower Soothers
Purchase Price: $5.38 (3-pack)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like a gigantic blue Smarties. Tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower. Warm soothing feeling after stepping out of the shower. Eucalyptus might be enjoyed by koalas.
Cons: Faint vapors. A Halls drop can do a better job. Sitting in the stall next to the Incredible Hulk.