Tag: Misc

If your only real fear is commitment, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Nope…Women fear committing to me and I fear snakes, women with large Adam’s Apples, and shopping malls with free boy band concerts.


If you’ve ever eaten tortilla chip crumbs off your shirt, you’re a Mitchum Man.


No, I usually dust those onto the floor and then suck them up with my vacuum. However, on several occasions I’ve licked up nacho cheese from my shirt so it wouldn’t stain. Also, I’ve always wanted to eat sushi off of a naked woman.

If you never forget your protection, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I’ve forgotten my protection a few times. Thank goodness I shoot blanks and no child has ever walked up to me and called me “daddy.”


If they look real enough to you, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Um… Real. Fake. Flat. Perky. Saggy. One nipple pointing towards the sky and the other one pointing to the ground. I’ll take them however I can.


If you didn’t have anything to do with planning your wedding, you’re a Mitchum Man.

No, I will plan everything for my wedding. I want my wedding ceremony to be on top of a grassy hill, with only close relatives and friends. We will all be lifted there by helicopter. My bride and I will write each other beautiful sonnets (or haiku, if I’m lazy) expressing our love and dedication. Then we will release a hundred white doves into the sky, which will probably take over the native bird population and cause larger bird poop splats on cars.

If you ever fantasized about a hotel maid, you’re a Mitchum Man.


Um, I don’t know what hotels you go to, but from all the hotels I’ve been to, I have yet to see ONE hot hotel maid or one under the age of 50.

If Menage a Trois is the only french term you know, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I not only know Menage a Trois, I can also count to ten in French, and say “Dans mon pays on utilise le vagin en premier,” which translates to, “In my country it’s customary to try the vagina first.”

Hmm…Well I guess I don’t qualify as a Mitchum Man, but then again I should’ve known, because according to the Village People, I also don’t qualify to be a macho macho man.

Despite not being a Mitchum Man, I’ve been using the Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant for the past few weeks. I don’t usually use anti-perspirants because I like it when my body perspires, because it’s the body’s way of cooling down and the glistening sweat makes me feel like a Chippendale dancer, except without the six-pack abs, bowtie, tight spandex pants, bulging biceps, slick hair, the ability to make women scream, a large package, and choreographed dance moves.

The first thing I noticed about the Fresh Wave Clear Gel was its scent. It has a nice clean and fresh scent, which smells kind of like a cologne. Because it’s a clear gel, Mitchum claims that it will not leave any traces on your clothing. So far, I have yet to see any residue, but then again, the Degree deodorant I used previously also didn’t leave any traces.

Mitchum also claims that because the Fresh Wave Clear Gel is alcohol-free, it won’t sting or irritate my skin. Fortunately, it didn’t sting, but I don’t know of any deodorant that does, except Crabs Deodorant. Unfortunately, it did irritate my skin after a few days of use, causing me to scratch my armpits once in awhile and then smelling them after I was done scratching.

Another problem I had was running out of the product too quickly. Most deodorants last me two or three months, but with the Mitchum Clear Gel, I’m on track to use it all up within a month. Although, I have to admit that might have been my fault since I put on deodorant in the morning and right before I go to bed.

Why do I need to put on deodorant right before I go to sleep? Well, just in case I forget to put some on in the morning or if I meet a hot chick in my dreams.

---

Item: Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel
Purchase Price: $2.68
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Has a nice fresh scent. Didn’t leave residue on clothes. Alcohol-free. I’m not a Mitchum Man. My wedding sonnet (or haiku).
Cons: Product ran out too quickly. Caused armpit irritation. I’m not a macho macho man. My limited French.

OHHHH!

Oh yeah, baby!

OHHHH! OHHHH! YES!

Versatile Office Nipple Clips! That’s what I’m talking about!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH!

Me likey! Me likey!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH! YES! YES! OHHHHHHHHHH!

Me love you long time!

W-w-what? I’m sorry. I was having a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream. I get them after looking through product catalogs and finding a bunch of stuff I’d like to review. This time I was looking through Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, a parody on office supply catalogs.

Office supply catalogs to a quasi-product review blog editor are like stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs to creepy lonely men and Russian mail order bride catalogs to creepy old lonely men. We love looking through them, letting our imaginations run wild, and occasionally getting pages of a catalog stuck together.

Although, now that I think about it, here at the Impulsive Buy we hardly ever review office supplies and equipment. I believe we don’t review them because they’re kind of boring. Except for staple removers, which make decent S&M toys.

However, the selection in Stooples included many items that would easily cause any quasi-product review blog editor to cream in their pants. Some of my favorites included:

The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword for 49 cents

Description from Stooples: Now you can test this adage for yourself. Charge into battle wailing and flailing your pen against master swordsmen, knife-wielding psychos, manicurists with attitude and others armed with sharp weaponry. Not enough of a challenge? Take on Bloods and Crips, Peruvian rebel bases and Libya. Still not enough of a challenge? How ’bout I beat you upside the head with this book.

Versatile Office Nipple Clips for 39 cents

Description from Stooples: Many steel-tempered, nickel-plated binder clips are good for either gripping reports or clamping nipples, but never both. Until now. Our rectangular design holds paper, nipples, with equal efficiency and optimum compression. Durable grasp doesn’t weaken over time or tugging. Option: you may remove arms for permanent binding, but think carefully.

Typo Whip for $29.99

Description from Stooples: Teach your secretary the value of proofreading. Woven strands of correction tape form foot-long whip; allow on-the-spot disciplinary action for forgetting to spell-check. Punish letter-dropping, reverse wording and too much spacing. Horsewhip or cat-o’-nine tails.

Downsizing LSD (Layoff Soother & Depressant) for $29.99 per tablet

Description from Stooples: Delivering news about layoffs is no fun for anyone, but the last thing you need is an irate ex-employee chasing you around a desk with a letter opener. Downsizing LSD keeps things calm. Simply place in coffee (theirs, not yours) and within minutes they’re ready to hear anything. Closing entire office? Downsizing LSD tablets can be placed in company watercoolers. Employ 83% of the local workforce and now you’re moving the entire operation to Guatemala? Seed passing cloud formations with industrial strength LSD, pray for rain, run like hell. Also available: Human Resource Halcyon.

God, I would totally kill for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, and if I had The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, I could use it to kill someone for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword.

Of course, since Stooples is a parody of an office supply catalog, I can only dream of the stuff I could’ve reviewed — and then in the morning clean up whatever mess I made from dreaming.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam Najberg, a co-author of the book, for sending me a copy of Stooples. Perhaps this book will give office supply companies ideas and I hope that many of them come to fruition, especially The Pen That is Mightier Than the Sword, because there are a couple of swords I’d like to take down. I’m talking to you, Tommy Lee! Also, go check out the Stooples website.)

---

Item: Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Hilarious book. One of the best ways to give a quasi-product review blog editor a boner. Perfect for those who like to look at pretty pictures and not have a lot of words get in the way…or illiterate people.
Cons: Since none of the products can be ordered, it’s one of the best ways to give blue balls to a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t come up with the idea.

After seeing how the Hefty Serve ‘n Store interlocking plates and bowls work, I now have a better understanding of how two adolescent teens with braces making out behind the library could easily get stuck together.

Unfortunately, the Serve ‘n Store plates and bowls didn’t give me a better understanding of how to separate two adolescent teens with braces that got stuck together while making out behind the library. I think only an orthodontist could help me with that.

The purpose of the Serve ‘n Store plastic disposable tableware is to allow you to serve, store, and eat leftovers. Every plate is a lid, and every lid is a plate, locking together like Legos or two adolescent teens with braces making out behind the library.

The whole plate-lid thing sort of confuses me, much like every time I see Latoya Jackson and wonder if it’s really Latoya or if it’s Michael with plastic surgery that makes him look black again. How do I know the lid is actually the lid and not the plate? Someone could easily flip it on me and mess with my mind.

Locking together the Serve ‘n Store plates and bowls are significantly easier than solving a Sudoku puzzle and they are also not as addictive to play with as Sudoku puzzles.

I found the Serve ‘n Store plates very convenient when I wanted to pack away food in single servings, but I also found them inconvenient because they weren’t microwaveable. I could serve, store, and eat food, but I just couldn’t warm it up.

However, after some extra research I found that I may not be able to warm up food with the Serve ‘n Store, but I could entertain with them. If you combine two Serve ‘n Store plates they make a decent frisbee. If you add some bells to your frisbee, it turns into a decent tambourine, and you can pretend to be Cher or any female singer from the 1960s or 1970s.

Besides not being able to put the Serve ‘n Store in the microwave, another thing that bothered me was the irritating sound that the locked plates and bowls made when pulled apart.

But I guess I should be glad that the irritating sound won’t make Biggie and Tupac want to roll over in their graves like Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album will.

Although when I added an 80s dance beat to the irritating sound, it sounded much better.

It also sounded better when I added an edgy rock beat and a weird house beat.

But the irritating sound became even more disturbing when I added an 80s dance beat, plus a video of me stripping.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Kondek from Hass MS&L for sending me the Hefty Serve ‘n Store to review.)

(Editor’s Note 2: Our friend at Cheap Eats also did a review of this product, which you can read here.)

---

Item: Hefty Serve ‘n Store
Purchase Price: FREE (suggested retail price $2.69)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Convenient way to store stuff. Better than Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album. Combining two plates make a decent frisbee. Combining two plates and some bells make a decent tambourine.
Cons: Can’t microwave. Separating the interlocking plates and bowls causes an irritating sound. Ten-inch plates come in a 15-count pack, so one plate will be lonely. Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album. People who buy Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album, all two of them, including his mom and Britney.

Fiber is one of those things that most people don’t get enough of, including myself. It helps prevent things like diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease. When I was told by my doctor that I needed more fiber in my diet, I decided to get that fiber the American Way.

Not in the form of vegetables or fruits, but in the form of either a pill, injection, or powder. I decided on powder, because I’m not very good at swallow pills and I fear that I won’t be able to do a fiber injection, unless Jose Canseco injected it into my ass for me.

So for the past couple of years I’ve been drinking Metamucil, which is a powder you mix with water.

At the time, I was so happy I was getting fiber, that I wrote a short poem:

Fiber helps when you’re stumped.
It can help you from getting plump.
It aids when you want to take a dump.

Metamucil comes only in an orange flavor, but when I say “orange flavor” I mean that very loosely. It tastes like the watered down orange Kool-Aid I made on my own when I was eight years old and didn’t understand basic fluid measurements, how to write a cursive “Z,” or knew what masturbation was.

Over the years, I’ve progressively gotten tired of that “orange taste.” So I was really excited when I noticed the new Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

Again, I was so happy that I decided to write another short poem:

Fiber is really good for you.
It aids with lowering cholesterol too.
But it really helps when you go number two.

The Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit came with five individual packets of the powder mix and a shaker cup. Just like all hot chocolate powder mixes, I had the option of using either milk or water. However, for some strange reason, I felt very compelled to use milk while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Anyway, the taste of the Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake was good and kind of reminded me of Ovaltine. It’s definitely better than the orangy Metamucil taste.

Despite the great taste, I did have a few problems with it. The powder clumped up a little after shaking it with milk in the shaker cup. Also, if you let the mixture sit, the liquid will become sludge-like. However, that also happens with Metamucil. So you have to drink it pretty quickly.

I’m really happy I can now get my fiber in a chocolatey form. I’m so happy that I feel compelled to write another short poem:

Fiber is great.
It helps you lose weight.
It aids when you defecate.

---

Item: Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit
Purchase Price: $3.97
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes sort of like Ovaltine. No sugar added. Good way to get your fiber. Comes with shaker cup.
Cons: Powder tends to clump up when milk is added. If not enough liquid is used, it may cause choking. Letting it sit will cause it to be sludge-like.

I have never wanted a clitoris before, but ever since I got these Trojan Elexa products, I wish I could grow one.

The new Trojan Elexa line was created from a woman’s perspective, thankfully not from the perspective of Angelina Jolie, because while the condoms would’ve prevent unwanted pregnancies, they might have caused excessive adoptions and many adopted kids with mohawks.

When I received the box of Elexa products, from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, I was surprised to see more than condoms. There was also a box of Intimacy Gel, Freshening Cloths, and a Vibrating Ring.

The first thing I decided to test was the condoms. I received three varieties: Natural Feel, Stimulating, and Ultra Sensitive. They all looked like normal condoms, but the Natural Feel condoms has a premium water-based lubricant that works with a woman’s natural lubrication, the Stimulating condoms are ribbed and contoured, and the Ultra Sensitive condoms are ultra thin.

Without a girlfriend or enough money to buy a girlfriend for the evening, I had no way to find out if they were stimulating, ultra sensitive, or felt natural.

Not even using them to deep throat a banana would’ve been helpful. However, I could test the claim on the boxes that they all have a low latex odor by conducting a condom smell test, which is very similar to the game, “Whose Armpit Are You Smelling Now?”

I grabbed one of the Elexa condom and a condom from my “Just in case I get some. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I’m not getting any” stash. I ripped open the packaging for both condoms and took a whiff of each. The Elexa condom did have a significant lower latex odor than the other Trojan condom I smelled.

I really wish Trojan would make all their condoms with a low latex odor, because it’s not sexy having my hands smell like latex gloves when I pay…Um…I mean, when I want a woman to suck on my fingers…and maybe my elbows.

The next product I tested was the Intimacy Gel, which would’ve been more fun to test if I could grow a clitoris or had access to a clitoris. Instead I put some on one of my palms and began massaging it with my other hand’s fingers. I could feel the warmth of the gel and it felt nice, kind of like when I put on sunscreen from a bottle that’s been sitting in the sun.

Oh, if only I had a clitoris.

Also, I have to say, the instructions for the Intimacy Gel are the sexiest instructions EVER printed on a product: “Apply a small amount of Elexa Intimacy Gel, about the size of a dime, onto the tip of the finger and gently massage the clitoral area. The gentle warmth from applying the gel enhances the pleasure of an intimate physical touch. Repeat as desired. Oh yeah! That’s the spot. Repeat, baby! REPEAT!”

It’s like a Penthouse Letter, except much shorter.

Next up were the Freshening Cloths, which look like handiwipes from KFC, but smell like potpourri. The purpose of these are to help a woman feel fresh and confident down below.

However, I could also see men using these, because I’m sure women don’t like it when their man’s “roll of quarters and loose change bag” are smelling kind of funky and they’re going down to receive a withdrawal.

Flowery-smelling is better than funky-smelling.

The final product I received was perhaps the most intriguing member of the Elexa line. The Vibrating Ring is basically a small vibrator attached to a soft silicone ring. Slide it on a “roll of quarters,” turn it on, and then turn her on.

I didn’t read the instructions so it took me awhile to turn on the Vibrating Ring, but now that I think about it, I also have trouble turning on women and televisions without remote controls.

How well does it vibrate? Well here’s a video of me putting it into action. (Quicktime required for video.)

According to the instructions, the Vibrating Ring’s battery should last for about twenty minutes or so, which means I can use it about twenty times before the battery dies.

Now the surprising thing about the Trojan Elexa line is that you won’t be able to find them at the usual “Wall of Condoms” at your favorite store. These products are only available in the feminine hygiene section.

Oh, except maybe the Vibrating Ring, which can’t be sold in eight states.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Robert, who has Trojan as a client at the PR firm he works at, for the Elexa products. I would also like to thank Robert for reminding me that I’m not getting laid, but the vibrating ring will have to suffice for now.)

---

Item: Trojan Elexa
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Condoms have a low latex odor. Freshening cloths have a nice light scent. Vibrating Ring looks like fun. Wide variety of products to help women increase their pleasure. My excessive use of the word clitoris.
Cons: Women get condom boxes that don’t look like condom boxes, while guys have condom boxes that yell condom boxes. Took me awhile to figure out how to turn on the Vibrating Ring. My lack of a clitoris. What? No taint vibrator for men?