Tag: Misc

One of the great things about bath towels is the fact that they’re multi-taskers. However, most of you may not realize the multitude of things you can do with bath towels.

Most of us use them to dry ourselves off after coming out of the shower. However, homeless people use them as blankets, bullies use them to whip the nerd and geeks in the shower, and former presidential candidate Bob Dole uses wet bath towels to test his boner strength after taking Viagra.

A few months ago, I was in need of some new sets of bath towels, because my old sets were…Um, old. Let me put it this way, my towels were so old that the washing instructions on the labels had faded away.

At first, I felt uncomfortable about going bath towel shopping because it seemed like something you should do with that special woman. It’s on the same level as thinking about what you’ll name your kids, deciding to have either a joint or separate checking accounts, or deciding who will take the dominant and submissive roles in your sado-masochistic sexual fantasies.

Unfortunately, being the bachelor that I am, I couldn’t share this occasion with that special woman, but I really needed new towels.

The first place I went to look for bath towels was the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. They had a wide selection of towels, but I wasn’t sure if I was willing to pay $6 to $8 dollars for ONE FRICKIN’ towel.

They can sell DVD players for thirty dollars, but they can’t sell bath towels for four bucks? Rollback prices, my ass!

Anyway the next place I decided to check out was Kmart, the home of Martha “M. Diddy” Stewart’s Everyday collection. However, despite my belief that Martha is a total MILF and my desire to “put my loaf of bread into her hot oven,” I couldn’t buy her towels, because they’re expensive and according to several Impulsive Buy readers, they suck.

So I eventually ended up at Sears.

Yes, Sears. The same Sears that has brought us Craftsman tools, Kenmore appliances, and where my parents used to purchase the husky clothing I needed as a child. Now it’s also where I found Cheap Ass Bath Towels.

Okay, they’re not called Cheap Ass Bath Towels, they’re actually labeled New Traditions Bath Collection and they’re exclusively sold at Sears. Anyway, the REGULAR PRICE for these towels was $2.99 for a bath towel and $2.49 for a hand towel.

They weren’t just cheap, they were almost child sweat shop cheap.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I too am wondering why the hand towel, which is one-third of the size of the bath towel, isn’t one-third the price of the bath towel.)

However, with all really cheap items there will always be some shortcomings.

For example, the New Traditions Bath Towels are slightly smaller than other bath towels. It measures two feet in width and four feet in length. It’s width is about four inches less and it’s height is about six inches less than my roommate’s towel, which he got from the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

If I was Shaquille O’Neal, the size of the towel would matter, but I’m roughly the size of Shaq’s leg, so it doesn’t matter to me.

Another thing about these towels is the fact they aren’t as thick as most towels. However, this helps the towel dry faster to prevent funky smells from forming.

If size doesn’t matter to you, I’d suggest the New Traditions Bath Towels. They are so cheap that it’s almost like you stole them from a hotel, from a homeless person, or off of Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

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Item: New Traditions Bath Towels
Purchase Price: $2.99 (bath towel) $2.49 (hand towel)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap ass towels! Variety of colors. Made in the USA. Viagra.
Cons: Exclusively sold by Sears. Slightly smaller than most towels. Stealing from homeless people. Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.

Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.

This Gillette M3Power Nitro razor is a very talented razor. It vibrates, gives a decent shave, and it danced circles around this other razor I have. Don’t believe me? Watch this video. (Quicktime required)

Oh yeah! You got served, beeyatch!

Oh wait! What am I saying? I got served too. The M3Power Nitro razor outdanced me. But then again, that’s really easy to do because of my limited dancing abilities.

Sorry, I don’t have a video of that dance-off, but even if I did, it would be too embarrassing to show. But if you want to use your imagination, just imagine some Asian guy doing the Roger Rabbit, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Water Sprinkler, Chicken Dance, and a dance move that involves humping the floor.

Or just watch an old Vanilla Ice music video, because that’s how I learned to dance.

(Note to self: Must buy Darrin’s Dance Grooves video.)

Not only does the M3Power Nitro have dancing skills, it can also dance for a very long time. I’ve been shaving with it almost every day for three weeks, had several dance-offs with it, and the single AAA battery inside is still going strong.

With that kind of stamina, the ladies would love the M3Power Nitro. However, it maybe strong enough for the hair leg warmers of a tree-hugging hippie woman, but it’s made for a man.

When Impulsive Buy reader, Lane, sent me the Gillette M3Power Nitro, I didn’t think it would vibrate as violently as it did. It’s supposed to be gentle micro-pulses that stimulate hair up and away from the skin, but my cell phone vibrates a lot more gently.

At least it doesn’t vibrate as much as Robin Williams on a caffeine or cocaine binge.

Despite my thinking that the M3Power Nitro vibrates a little too violently for something that consists of sharp blades, it does provide a decent and comfortable shave, and I also think the vibrations made cutting through my facial hair easier. Although, I think it shaves just as well as my regular MACH3 Turbo razor.

Speaking of the MACH3 Turbo, I was able to use my MACH3 Turbo blade cartridges with the M3Power Nitro, which is handy information to know, because replacement MACH3 Turbo blades are cheaper than M3Power Nitro blades.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I thought the razor’s vibrations seemed to have helped with my shaving. So because of that, I thought about using the vibrations of the M3Power Nitro to make other things better.

First, I attached the M3Power Nitro to my toothbrush to see if the vibrations would make for a better brushing session.

Then I connected it to a plain ordinary razor to see if it could improve its ability to shave.

Finally, I connected the M3Power Nitro to my finger to see if it could turn my normal finger into a “happy finger,” that could give someone a pleasurable massage. (See picture on left)

Unfortunately, the M3Power Nitro wasn’t very good at making other things better. However, it’s still a great dancer, it gives decent shaves, and looking at the picture on the left, it looks like the M3Power Nitro is very good at another thing…spooning.

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Item: Gillette M3Power Nitro
Purchase Price: FREE (given by Impulsive Buy reader Lane)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It’s an awesome dancer. Gives a decent shave. Vibrations help cut through hair easier. AAA battery lasts for a while. Able to use MACH3 and MACH3 Turbo cartridges. Good at spooning.
Cons: I got served. My limited dancing ability. Vibrations seemed a little too violent for something with sharp blades. Its vibrations can’t make other things better.

With all the women’s products I’ve been reviewing (and the other woman’s products I’ve been “testing”), it seems like I’ve forgotten about products specifically made for men. So today’s review on Jack Black Beard Lube will remedy that.

For those who don’t know, I grow facial hair significantly faster than it takes for a new reality show to pop up on television. I usually shave everyday, but sometimes I like to have fun with my fast growing facial hair.

For example, I’ll grow my beard out for about four months, part my hair, put on a pair of glasses, throw on a sweater vest, pretend I’m a Fullbright scholar, eat nothing but bread for a week, and after that week is over, I’ll comb my beard to see how many crumbs and other things it has collected.

Or sometimes I like to grow my goatee REALLY long, gently stroke it, and say in an evil tone, “Soon the whole world will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.”

Like I said before, I usually shave everyday, and for the past three weeks I’ve been using the Jack Black Beard Lube. It’s a combination of pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, which is good because instead of three different containers for each product, you get one product that contains all three.

(Editor’s Note: No, it’s not Tenacious D’s Jack Black.)

The Jack Black Beard Lube isn’t like any other shaving cream or gel I’ve used. Perhaps the major difference is the fact that it doesn’t foam like regular shaving gels and creams.

The color of it is white, but it goes on clear, like you’re putting on a moisturizer or KY Jelly. This is handy if you want to be able to see where you’re shaving, but sucks when you want to use the foam to pretend you’re Santa Claus or Papa Smurf.

When I put the Jack Black Beard Lube on, there’s a slight tingling sensation on my face. This is caused by the eucalyptus and peppermint, which stimulates the skin. The eucalyptus can also attract slutty koalas.

It also contains Jojoba and Macadamia Nut Oil, which softens the beard, makes it easier to shave, and entices the slutty koalas to stroke your face.

But then again, they are slutty koalas so I guess they don’t need to be enticed to stroke anything.

Shaving with the Jack Black Beard Lube feels different than shaving with another gel or cream because of the lack of foam, but it did create a nice comfortable, lubricated shave. However, it didn’t give me the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication that I got with the Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream, which I reviewed at the beginning of the year.

However, despite not having the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication, the Jack Black Beard Lube did give me a better shave than the ones I’ve gotten from using my usual Edge shaving gel.

Buying six ounces of Jack Black Beard Lube will set you back $15.00, but if you want a close shave and want to attract slutty koalas this maybe the right product for you.

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Item: Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave
Purchase Price: $15.00 (6 ounces)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Comfortable, close shave. It’s a pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, all-in-one. No foaming means you can see what you’re shaving. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.
Cons: Pricey. No foaming means no Papa Smurf. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, I don’t review a lot of women’s products because I either lack the proper equipment, don’t know what shade would look good on me, I’m afraid of the words “cardboard applicator,” or I’m scared that I might find out I’m pregnant.

However, when a reader asked if I could review the Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, I felt that this was one women’s product I could try.

What makes this moisturizer different from others is that it’s supposed to create a healthy, summer glow by just moisturizing daily. Now this scared me because I’ve heard the horror stories of sunless tanning lotions turning people orange and I didn’t want to relive the embarrassment of that time I went on a carrot diet for a week.

While doing internet research on the product, I found that the Jergens Natural Glow was a hard product to find, because it’s been so popular. However, when I went to the juggernaut superstore behemoth, they had a lot in stock. So I thought maybe it wasn’t as popular as people on the internets said it was.

Then I stepped outside of the store and realized perhaps the reason why there’s a lot of stock is because I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that gets sunshine ninety percent of the time.

The Jergens Natural Glow comes in two version, one for fair (ghostly pale) skin tones and one for medium (just pale) skin tones. Being that I sit indoors in front of a computer all day, but occasionally go outside in the sun because I run on solar energy, I picked up the Jergens Natural Glow for medium skin tones.

On the tube it says that after a week of daily use the intensity of color will be reached. So for the past week, I’ve been putting it on in the morning and I’ve also been putting it on at night after I take a shower. I also decided to only put it on one leg because I thought the difference wouldn’t be too noticeable.

Well after a week of use, I’m walking around with one leg that’s darker and better looking than the other. The differences between my two legs are pretty dramatic. Take a look at the picture below. (Click picture for larger view.)

The leg on the left looks like one I would wanna ask out, while the leg on the right looks like one that got beaten with an ugly stick.

The leg on the left looks like it could become prom queen, while the leg on the right looks like it needs an old-fashioned stoning.

The leg on the left looks like it would be fun to cuddle with, while the leg on the right looks like one I would pick last for dodgeball.

The leg on the left looks like one I would want to take home to meet my parents, while the leg on the right looks like one I would want to keep locked up in the basement.

Finally, the leg on the left looks like moonwalking, jheri curl Michael Jackson, while the leg on the right looks like child-molesting, too much plastic surgery Michael Jackson.

Item: Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
Purchase Price: $6.16
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tans skin evenly and effectively. Easy to apply. Pleasant smell. No orange color. The leg on the left.
Cons: No sun protection. The leg on the right.