Tag: Misc

(Editor’s Note: Today’s product was requested by Impulsive Buy reader Seth, who twice had the urge to buy today’s product, but felt it would be better (and cheaper for him) if the Impulsive Buy tested it first. Enjoy.)

I would like to thank Listerine for increasing my time spent in the bathroom each morning.

Before it was manageable, but thanks to Listerine Whitening, I now have to get up a little earlier to be able to do all the things I need to do in the bathroom. Sure it’s only a minute more, but that minute spent asleep could mean making out or not making out with Martha Stewart in my dreams.

And nobody wants to be around me in the morning when I don’t get to make out with M. Diddy.

Anyway, I wish my mornings were as easy as it was in college, when taking a shot of Listerine and swishing it around for thirty seconds was all I needed to do to get ready in the morning.

Back in college, I could grow my beard out, I didn’t have to floss, I could shower every other day, and I didn’t have to trim nose hairs because they just blended in with my beard.

But now I’m an “adult” and I’m not homeless, so I have to do these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my college days, because my morning ritual has gotten ridiculous. Here’s what I have to do every morning:

Step 1: We can have lots of fun.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do.

Step 3: It’s just you and me…

Oh crap! Those are the lyrics from the New Kids on the Block song Step By Step.

Dammit! Let’s start over.

Step 1: Swish around Listerine Whitening – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 2: Brush teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 3: Floss teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 4: Swish around regular Listerine – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Step 5: Scrape tongue with spoon – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 6: Wait for gagging caused by scraping tongue to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 7: Wash face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 8: Exfoliate face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 9: Practice in the mirror latest pick up line, “Hi, my name is Marvo, but my friends call me Curious George and I’m curious to see what’s under that dress.” – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 10: Trim nose hairs – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 11: Trim ear hairs – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 12: Turn unibrow into two distinguishable eyebrows – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 13: Shave face – Time Spent: 7 minutes

Step 14: Shave balls – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 15: Give my handlebar mustache a Rollie Fingers twirl – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 16: Put on hair gel and sculpt hair to desired look – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 17: Trim and shape muttonchop sideburns – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 18: Trim nipple hair – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 19: Clean belly button – Time Spent: 15 seconds

Step 20: Smell finger after cleaning belly button – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 21: Wait for gagging from smelling finger after cleaning belly button to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 22: Wash hands to get rid of belly button smell – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 23: Spray on cologne – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 24: Put on deodorant – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 25: Say three times in the mirror my daily affirmation, “I’m hot on the outside and cool on the inside. Yahtzee!” – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Total Time Spent: 38 minutes 45 seconds

As you can see, my mornings are crazy.

I’ve been thinking about taking steps out, like exfoliating my face and cleaning my belly button, but I also think I could take out swishing with Listerine Whitening because it doesn’t seem to be doing what it’s supposed to do.

The foam that’s created by swishing it around makes me think it’s doing something and even after I spit it out, it continues to foam in my mouth. But I think the only thing that foaming is good for is pretending to be a rabid dog.

After three weeks of use, I haven’t seen any difference in my teeth, and I’ve been using it with a “whitening” toothpaste.

Perhaps Listerine Whitening would be better for those who already have white teeth to maintain their teeth’s whiteness.

Well at least this is the only Listerine that doesn’t burn like you’re drinking Lucifer’s breast milk.

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Item: Listerine Whitening
Purchase Price: $7.54
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: May help with maintaining whiteness. No typical Listerine burn. Kills germs that cause bad breath.
Cons: More expensive than regular Listerine. Doesn’t work with whitening my teeth. My excessive morning ritual. My unibrow.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is sort of like a public service announcement, except with possible sexual references, maybe a couple of stale Ben Affleck or Clay Aiken jokes, use of the words “bodily fluids,” followed by adolescent giggles, and without the words “the more you know” or “knowing is half the battle.”)

Oh how I wish I could share bodily fluids with someone else in a normal way. Instead of sucking faces or doing the horizontal mambo, the only way I get to share my bodily fluids with someone is by donating my blood.

Recently, I donated blood for the fifth time, which is more than the total amount of times I’ve sucked face or did the horizontal mambo. It was a last minute kind of thing because I felt with all the evil I’ve been up to, I needed to do some good in the world and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

So what evil have I done? Let me just say, “Every time you masturbate…God kills a kitten,” and I think I’m going to be the reason why Bob Barker stops telling people to get their pets spayed or neutered.

Anyway, I’ve only been donating for about a year and a half, because for a long time I was scared to donate blood. But I think a lot of people are scared for various reasons, like:

(1) They don’t like a needle being poked into their arm, unless it involves heroin.

(2) The sight of blood makes them faint or turns them into evil, hungry vampires.

(3) They fear a test of their blood sample will show that they’re the long lost Jackson family sibling named, Ragu.

Needles were the reason why I was scared to donate blood. I used to think extracting blood was a painful procedure done with unnecessarily long needles, which I imagined in my mind looked very similar to those used in acupuncture.

It took a coupon for a free pint of Baskin & Robbins ice cream that my local blood bank was offering to convince me to finally donate a pint of my blood. That first donation dispelled any beliefs I had about long needles and being turned into an evil, hungry vampire.

The entire process usually takes less than an hour, but the actual blood donation takes about five to eight minutes. Most of the time is spent filling out a questionnaire, having a short interview to find out if you qualify to donate, and checking out the cute blood donation technicians and wondering if the following pick up line will work, “Hey, baby! Wanna swap bodily fluids with me later?”

When it comes to inserting the needle into your body, it isn’t painful. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not even close to being as bad as I-Saw-Grandma-Naked uncomfortable. If you want to know what it feels like, just pinch yourself hard somewhere on your inner arm for about two seconds, or let your sadistic lover wearing the leather mask do it for you.

See, it wasn’t bad.

Now I hate needles, so when they’re about to stick the needle into me, I turn my head away, like I do when I pass by panhandlers, homeless people, and women offering a good time for twenty dollars.

After they get the needle into your arm, you are given something to squeeze with your hand, like a stress ball, which helps pump the blood out. Although I really wish I had the option to squeeze the hand of one of the cute blood donation technicians or Lindsay Lohan’s boobs, just to find out if they’re real.

When they’ve tapped you for a pint, they’ll put a gauze bandage on your arm, tell you to rest for about five minutes, and give you something to drink, like water or juice, to help replenish the fluids you’ve lost. If they don’t offer you anything, call them “cheap bastards,” and get yourself something to drink and eat ASAP.

After you donate blood, you might feel a little lightheaded, but that’s just the warm and fuzzy feeling inside you, which is starting from your head and working its way down. It’s just making you feel good about yourself because the blood you just donated will probably help save another human being and not be used to feed vampires.

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Item: Donating Blood
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Possible free food and drink after donating. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Cute blood donation technicians.
Cons: Insertion of needle is slightly uncomfortable. My lame blood donation technicians pick up line. Not everyone can donate blood.

My dentist once explained to me, “Toothbrushes are like hookers. Cheap ones will get the job done. The more expensive ones will have all their teeth and will also get the job done, except you have to pay a little bit more for some extra tricks.”

No, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Oh, yeah. It was, “Toothbrushes are like cars. The cheap ones will get the job done and the more expensive ones will get the job done just as well.”

On second thought, I liked the hooker version better.

Anyway, I’ve been trying out the new Colgate 360 Toothbrush for the past couple of weeks. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I didn’t like the idea of spending over three dollars for ONE toothbrush, but there was something about the Colgate 360 Toothbrush that intrigued me.

That something was the built-in tongue cleaner, which seems like a typical marketing gimmick, like Valentine’s Day and the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. However, some people with lab coats, clipboards, and the title “Dr.” in front of their names say that the buildup of bacteria on the tongue is one of the causes of bad breath.

They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.

After using the tongue cleaner, I can’t really tell if it’s taking off anything, even though it feels like I’m rubbing Velcro on my tongue.

However, perhaps the reason why it’s not taking off anything is because the instructions on the Colgate website say I should brush my tongue for ten seconds, but when I brushed my tongue, I spent seven seconds of the time gagging.

I was totally disappointed in myself. I can deep throat a banana, but brushing my tongue makes me gag? I have learned NOTHING!

Usually if I want to clean my tongue, I take a spoon and scrape it, which I read about in some magazine. It works well because when I’m done scraping, I can actually see the crap I just took off and wonder if it’s the reason why women from Arab countries cover their faces when they’re around me.

Other features of the Colgate 360 Toothbrush include the several types and lengths of bristles, which are arranged very similar to crop circles made by UFOs.

There’s also comfortable gel padding in the middle of the toothbrush’s shaft, where most people hold their toothbrushes. Unfortunately, the gel padding is useless to me because I hold my toothbrushes like I hold my knives to cut those who mess with my hoes.

Overall, the Colgate 360 Toothbrush will get the job done as well as any other toothbrush. All the features, like the tongue cleaner and the gel padding are nice, but unnecessary because you can use a spoon to clean your tongue and I’ve never heard of anyone getting carpal tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth.

For a person like me, who changes his toothbrush every three months, spending three bucks for a toothbrush can get semi-expensive over a year. So the Colgate 360 Toothbrush breaks my only rule when buying toothbrushes, “If it’s cheaper to buy a rock of crack than the toothbrush, the toothbrush is too expensive.”

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Item: Colgate 360 Toothbrush
Purchase Price: $3.22
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Semi-useful tongue cleaner and gel padding. Crop circle bristles.
Cons: Overpriced, more expensive than a rock of crack. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. Brushing my tongue makes me gag. Messing with my hoes.

(Editor’s Note: Some of you have been saying there’s been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I’ve decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Thanks Robert, for reminding me that I’m not getting any action. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding. I’m crying right now. Enjoy.)

There are many things that suck about not having a girlfriend, like not being able to have sessions of sweet, sweet lovin’ that involve plastic sheets, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and paint brushes; making dinner for a woman and then hearing her say, “I’m not hungry, but I’m hungry for you”; not being able to showoff my strip tease videos; and not being able to try the latest condoms so I can review them.

However, with these new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms I had a tingling sensation, but not where you might think. I had a tingling sensation in my head, coming up with ways I could test it without actually paying needing a woman.

Being that the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms are made for those who want to be protected when “talking to the mic,” I realized that all I really need to do with this condom was see if it tasted any good. But how was I going to do this?

(Editor’s Note: Yes, you can use the condom for intercourse. Intercourse? That’s too sterile of a term for me. Yes, you can use the condom for the horizontal mambo. Nah, that’s too childish. Yes, you can use the condom for fucking. Perfect!)

I grabbed one of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, ripped it open, and shoved it into my mouth, like a piece of gum.

It was the second time in my life that I shoved a condom into my mouth and chewed on it. Except this time I couldn’t win a bet for a dollar.

As I chewed it, I could taste and feel a minty gel, which tasted like a dull toothpaste. I don’t know if it was the minty gel or the fact that I was chewing on a latex condom, but I started to gag. I instantly took the condom out from my mouth, looked at its kind of cool minty green color, and then threw it away.

After that, the product reviewer in me didn’t feel fulfilled, because I felt I could do a better job of testing it.

Then I began thinking about those bastards at Consumer Reports and how they probably test condoms. I imagined they have a love lounge, with beds shaped like hearts, Barry White songs playing, bottles of chilled champagne, mirrors on the ceiling, and bowls of Viagra. It’s probably one wild gigantic orgy of lab testers.

The testers probably do it with their lab coats, goggles, and pocket protectors on and clipboards next to the heart-shaped beds, so they can write down whatever comments they have. They probably also video tape the whole thing so they can review the tape later, if they need more information.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do what I imagined Consumer Reports does, but I knew I had to do something better than just chewing on a condom. Then it finally hit me, while making my strawberry/banana smoothie.

Armed with a Trojan Mint Tingle Condom, a banana, and my heterosexuality, I tried to recreate a real world situation.

I opened another condom and tried to roll it over the banana. Unfortunately, I put it on the wrong way, which didn’t allow me to roll the condom down the banana. Following the condom box’s instructions, I had to throw the condom away or else I would risk the chance of pregnancy.

I opening another condom, checked to see if I had it turned up the right way, and then rolled it over the banana, holding the tip to prevent air from getting trapped. When I was done, I had a well protected banana (see picture).

Then I put the condom covered banana into my mouth and made like a circus seal. (Yay! Obscure Clerks reference!)

At first, I was gagging a little, but soon I was a deep throating pro. As for the minty flavor, it’s not bad once you swallow the mint jelly, which was mostly at the tip. It’s definitely way better tasting than regular latex condoms.

The mint flavor isn’t that strong or plentiful, so don’t try going down on as many guys as you can to freshen your breath. Gum and mints are easier, and it’s less Paris Hilton-ish or Veronica Loughran-ish. (Yay! Another obscure Clerks reference!)

Item: Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for about $9)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Mint flavor is not bad tasting, definitely better than regular latex condoms. Funky mint green color.
Cons: My ability to put on condoms, I’m surprised I don’t have illegitimate children. Minty gel was kind of gross to swallow. My jealousy of the possible ways Consumer Reports tests condoms.

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy and today I’ll be focusing my attention on energy breath mints. Yes, energy breath mints, which look like smaller Vivarin, except without near illegal amounts of caffeine, withdrawals, and trembling of hands. Enjoy.)

Hey baby doll! How ya doin’?

Yo girl, why you backin’ up? I knows I’m smellin’ good cuz I gots my Tag Body Spray on. I put a spray here. Bam. Put a spray there. Bam. Put a spray down there. Bam. I knows you wanna jump me, like in the commercials. Don’t be shy.

Poser? So that’s how it is now, I’m a poser. Well I’m a poser that can rock your world.

Why you backin’ up some more, baby? I knows my breath don’t smell cuz I gots these X-It Strong Mints in my mouth. They’re powerful mints so they’re gonna make my mouth so minty fresh that you’re gonna wanna faint and let me give you some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Let me pop a few more mints in my mouth right now, cuz I gots wine cooler breath.

So whut if I likes wine coolers? They’re fruity and easy to drink, girl!

An’ you know whut? These mints gots guarana in them to help give me energy, just in case I gots to do it ALL NIGHT. Yeah, you know whut I’m sayin’.

Of course, one tiny mint ain’t gonna do it for this prize of a man. Maybe if I take five or ten mints and I’ll have enough energy to rock your world all night and all day, baby!

Whut you talkin’, girl? I don’t needs to take no Enzyte wit these mints. It’s just that my leather pants are too tight and it’s squashing my huge Johnson.

Another thang about these mints are that they’re sugarfree, so I don’t gots worry about messin’ up my pearly white grill wit cavities.

Yo, why you trippin’ on my braces? They’re comin’ out in a few weeks.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should be hangin’ wit you, girl. Cuz you’re sugar sweet, baby! But on second thought, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a few cavities cuz of you.

Try some of these mints, baby! If you like it, maybe later you can pop more in your mouth and then give some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my friend Mr. Happy, cuz he’s getting squashed in my leather pants.

SLAP!!!

Aw girl, why’d you slap me for?

Where you goin’?

Damn!

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Item: X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Strong mints. Clears nasal passages. Sugarfree. Guarana. Freshens breath.
Cons: Takes many mints for the guarana to have an effect. My ability to talk to women. Tight leather pants.