Tag: Misc

A few female readers requested that we do a few women’s products, particularly the Veet Rasera, which is a hair removal cream that comes with a plastic squeegee to help remove the hair.

Seeing that I didn’t have the proper equipment for tampons or the estrogen and ovaries for the Ortho Evra birth control patch, I decided to review the Veet Rasera.

Now I have hairy legs, which keep me warm at night, adds several seconds to my 200 meter breaststroke time, and makes my legs more humpable for dogs.

I had second thoughts about removing the hair on my legs because I have a lot of scars on them from my BMX bike jumping days.

Then I remembered a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” and I decided to show off my scars.

Then I remembered it wasn’t a wise man, it was what Keanu Reeves said in the movie “The Replacements.”

Anyway, armed with the Veet Rasera, I walked into my bathroom and began the difficult task of mowing down the veritable forests on my legs.

The Veet has an obvious chemical smell, but it does smell better than the Nair products I smelled at the store. However, neither product tastes as good as or has a better name than the hair removal product, Nads.

When I applied the Veet to my legs and let it sit for three minutes, I didn’t feel any burning. However, later when I applied it to my chest, it stung pretty badly and left my chest red and irritated for the rest of the day.

After the three minutes were up, I used the Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee), to remove the hair from my legs. Overall, it got rid of the hair pretty well, although there were areas on my legs that still had hair. However, having patches of hair on my legs might’ve had to do with the fact that I’ve never shaved my legs before and I can’t see the back of my legs very well.

Too bad I’m not possessed, because as we all learned from Linda Blair, possessed people are able to turn their heads around 360 degrees. Oh yeah, and R2D2 too.

So I had hairless legs, but I think my skin was numb because I couldn’t feel the air coming out from my Vornado fan.

Anyway, having hairless legs made me feel more aerodynamic. It made me want to put a band aid on my legs and rip it off to know what it feels like to not have the band aid rip out a few legs hair. It allowed me to close my eyes, stroke my legs, and a pretend I was with a woman.

It also made me cold.

Without the insulation of my hairy legs, I believe my body dropped slightly in temperature, which caused me to get sick last week.

DAMN YOU, VEET! DAMN YOU!

But alas, just like most of Jennifer Lopez’s romantic relationships, I knew it couldn’t last forever. After one day, I could start to feel stubble on my legs. However, hair anywhere on my body grows back very quickly, so your mileage will probably vary.

Item: Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit
Purchase Price: $9.89
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee). Not as smelly as Nair products. Did a good job of removing hair. Stroking my smooth legs.
Cons: Skin numbness. May irritate skin. Got sick due to losing the insulation from hairy legs. Not as tasty as Nads.

While in high school and college, I tried to learn about the opposite sex by reading my twin sister’s Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Marie Claire magazines.

I even took those silly quizzes. However, now that I think about it, all I’ve learned from those quizzes were; I’m a bitch and a skanky ho.

Despite reading women’s magazines, I still wasn’t very good at impressing women in high school and college. However, looking back, the permed hair I had during those years might’ve been the reason why I wasn’t successful with women.

Recently, I picked up the June 2005 issue of The Oprah Magazine, or “O” for short, because there was an interview with Jon Stewart in it and I didn’t like the quizzes offered in the other women’s magazines.

Do I really need to know how much of a flirt I am? Or, do I need to know if my man is cheating on me? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the issue I picked up is apparently the “men’s issue,” with a lot of articles about men. However, I found out that it’s strong enough for a man, but with the tampon ads, made for woman.

After reading the magazine, I didn’t learn much about the opposite sex, but I did see some nice things to buy for a girlfriend, if I had one, and I also have a newly-discovered jealousy of women’s magazines.

I’m jealous because there are frickin’ coupons in the magazine. There’s a 3 Musketeers coupon, an All laundry detergent coupon, and TWO coupons for the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad.

All we’ve got in men’s magazines are women in bikinis and lingerie, sports cars, and cool gadgets. Those are all great things, but why can’t we get some coupons too? I would totally dig some Burger King coupons or lap dance coupons.

Another cool thing about The Oprah Magazine is Oprah.

For a 51-year old woman, she is looking so fine. If Stedman wasn’t in her life, I’d be totally trying to mack with her.

You might think I’d only mack with her because she’s got a lot of money, but no, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d do it because I think she’s hot and maybe together we could have my wildest dream on her Wildest Dreams Bus.

Despite the interview with Jon Stewart, the coupons, and hot pictures of Oprah, there were a few things that bothered me about the magazine: The pictures of Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a scary-looking and scary-sounding man. Just the sight of him makes my Oprah boner turn flaccid.

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Item: The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
Purchase Price: $3.95
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ coupons! Oprah. Jon Stewart interview.
Cons: Dr. Phil is scary (and insane).

I think I might be the last person on the face of the Earth to try the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. But I guess I should be used to jumping late on the bandwagon, like I did with Hypercolor clothes, Razor scooters, calculator wristwatches, acid washed jeans, and the second coming of the yo-yo.

I’m surprised that I’m not still living in the 1990s. Thank you VH1, for showing me what is no longer cool. Now where the hell were you in high school?

Anyway, I finally got onto the bandwagon again when I tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo, which is slightly different than the original. It has a blue absorbent layer on one side, which is used to wipe up things like a normal sponge.

If you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, it’s very simple to use. Just wet it like a sponge, squeeze out the excess water, and wipe away dirt and grime. Also, if you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, you’re even more uncool than I am.

So for this review I’ve decided to also write a poem, which is very familiar to the Oscar Mayer wiener song, because I’ve had that song in my head all day for some strange reason. Enjoy.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel.
A source that could run my car for months, weeks, days, or hours.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel,
I wouldn’t need to spend $2.45 a gallon on my car’s power.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a source of fuel,
But it got rid of the stubborn Gatorade stains on my kitchen counter.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
With huge iron spikes that were dipped in poison or hydrochloric acid.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
I’d use it on those damn German spammers and turn their hands flaccid.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a sledgehammer,
But it easily erased an hour-old Sharpie pen mark that was quite massive.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
With the power to cancel any show when ratings begin to drop.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
Reality TV would be gone, giving people 15 minutes of fame has to stop.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a TV studio executive,
But it got rid of all the crap that was on my white electric stove top.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
With a whip, stiletto heels, and dressed in a leather and chain suit.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
I’d want her to tie me down and step on my face with her leather boot.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a dominatrix,
But it erased what’s in between my shower’s tiles without me being brute.

Item: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo
Purchase Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Many uses. Easy to use. Magically got rid of stuff without much effort.
Cons: Slightly pricey.

Over the past nine months, The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of products from the company Method because ever since reading an article about the company in the magazine Business 2.0, I’ve gone gaga over the company, like they were…

a. Opening day movie tickets for Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith.

b. Google stocks.

c. Pictures of accidental celebrity nipple slips.

This time I decided to review the Method Bathroom Cleaner, which I have been using for the past few months. I like using Method products because they are biodegradable and non-toxic, which means…

a. I don’t have to wear rubber gloves when using it.

b. No taste of poison paradise. I’m not addicted to you. Don’t you know that you’re non-toxic.

c. It may come in handy when I’m really drunk and run out of Listerine to drink.

It’s an all-purpose cleaner so I’ve been using it to clean almost everything in my bathroom, like the shower, shower curtain, sink, countertop, and water fixtures. It cleans just as well as most bathroom cleaners out in the market, but when I’m done cleaning with the Method Bathroom Cleaner, my bathroom has a nice, fresh cucumber scent.

The cucumber scent was refreshing because most bathroom cleaners come in either citrus or chemical scent. Unfortunately, the Method Bathroom Cleaner only comes in the cucumber scent. However, this might be good for those of you who dislike cucumber because…

a. You believe zucchinis are much better and more fun than cucumbers.

b. They aren’t as cute as pickles.

c. You had a horrific accident involving a banana peel, a cucumber patch, and a particular orifice.

Despite the nice cucumber scent, the mist of the Method Bathroom Cleaner…

a. Caused me to sneeze.

b. Made me cough like a college freshman trying his or her first ever bong hit.

c. Irritated my throat as badly as it gets after a night of butchering every song I sang at karaoke.

Of course, on the packaging it says I should use the product in well-ventilated areas, but unfortunately my bathroom doesn’t have windows, just a crappy-ass fan. But then again when I was spraying it around, I was very liberal with it, like…

a. The amount of ketchup on my French Fries.

b. The amount of Raid I use on a cockroach.

c. The amount of facial tissues I use when I cry like a baby at weddings.

So far, out of the three Method products The Impulsive Buy has reviewed, I have to say that this was the least impressive of the bunch because…

a. The bottle wasn’t shaped as cool as the other Method products.

b. I have high expectations for a four dollar bottle of bathroom cleaner.

c. I’m bitter that another friend got married and I’m so alone…So alone…ALONE!!!

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Item: Method Bathroom Surface Cleaner
Purchase Price: $4.00 (Purchased by Akiko and given to me as a gift)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Better smelling than most of the cleaning products I’ve used in the past. Non-toxic. Biodegradable.
Cons: Only comes in cucumber scent. Mist irritated my throat. My sensitive side that cries at weddings. Britney Spears reference.

I’m not afraid to admit I use women’s products. For example, tampons are apparently handy when I cut myself shaving.

I don’t do it to get in touch with my feminine side. I watch the WE Network when I want to do that. I also don’t do it to impress women, because no matter what I do, I will NEVER impress women.

The reason why I use women’s products is because they usually smell better than men’s products. Smelling flowery or fruity like a woman is something I don’t mind, because compared to most of the men’s products, it’s a whole lot better.

Recently, I needed a new shampoo because I ran out and because it turns out that I have to wash my dreadlocks.

Choosing the brand and type of shampoo can be daunting, because there are more shampoo choices than there were candidates for this year’s Iraqi presidential elections. (Which was over 7,000 candidates for those of you keeping score at home.)

I decided on the feminine-looking Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo because it was the one I chose using my tried and true shampoo choosing technique, which is choosing whatever is on sale.

After purchasing the shampoo, I had second thoughts about it because I began to think about the rainforest flowers it took to create the shampoo.

With rainforests disappearing at an alarming rate, the tree-hugger in me, which is part of my feminine side, wondered why Clairol decided to use the rainforest flowers cassia, ginger flower, and banana flower.

If we run out of ginger flowers, that means we’ll run out of ginger, and if we run out of ginger, there won’t be any ginger snaps or gingerbread houses.

If we run out of banana flowers, that means we’ll run out of bananas, and if we run out of bananas, that means we’ll have to find another way to make people slip and fall for our amusement.

Finally, if we run out of cassia… Oh, what the hell am I saying? Cassia is called the bastard cinnamon, and just like all bastard things, no one will miss it if it’s gone.

Despite the use of rainforest flowers, the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo had a nice sweet, spicy, and flowery scent, but the sensuous arousal powers of the ginger flower might have made me say that.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an accurate measurement of how effective this shampoo was because it’s made for colored/permed/dry/damaged hair and I, according to my sexy hairstylist, have normal hair.

But the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo didn’t change my hair’s color, didn’t make my hair fall out, and didn’t give me Nick Nolte mugshot hair, so I think it did a good job.

Item: Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo
Purchase Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smelled nice. Cleaned my hair. No Nick Nolte mugshot hair. Ginger flower has sensuous arousal powers.
Cons: Not meant for my normal, average, and boring hair. The ginger flower’s sensuous arousal powers was negated by my lack of class and charm.