Tag: Misc

Damn you, VH1’s I Love the 80s and I Love the 90s for sticking in my head those songs that I’d like to forget. But now they’re stuck in my head and I have the urge to buy them.

I’m a Barbie Girl/In the Barbie world/Life in plastic/It’s fantastic/You can brush my hair/Undress me everywhere/Imagination/Life is your creation/(Come on, Barbie, let’s go party!)

See what you started, VH1!

Thank goodness for the iTunes Gift Card I got as a gift for Christmas. With it I can download those songs from iTunes without wasting my own money. I’d use my own money to buy some Green Day, Beastie Boys, Mozart, or Def Leppard’s Greatest Hits, but you wouldn’t catch me using my own money to buy “Informer” by the white Jamaican-wannabe rapper, Snow.

Informer (something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down/(something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down

Maybe if I download them and listen to them enough, I’ll get really sick of them, like I did with the U2 song “Vertigo.”

Oh crap, actually, I remember that plan didn’t work out the way I thought it would. It turns out that I really do like that song, I even bought the live version on iTunes. Anyway, that song is totally worth spending 99 cents, unlike Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”

All right stop, collaborate, and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention/Something grabs a hold of me tightly/Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly/Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know/Turn off the lights and I’ll glow/To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal/Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle/Dance, go rush to the speaker that booms/I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom/Deadly, when I play a dope melody/Anything less than the best is a felony/Love it or leave it, you better gain way/You better hit bull’s eye, the kid don’t play/If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it/Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it…

OH MY GOD! I apparently know the whole DAMN SONG!!!

Now I think one of the problems of downloading these one-hit wonders with an iTunes Gift Card is the chance you’ll get caught with them on your computer or iPod. I don’t want to imagine the embarrassment I’d feel if someone found me listening to Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” on my iPod, while poorly attempting to do some kind of line dancing.

But don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/I just don’t think it’d understand/And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/He might blow up and kill this man

I also don’t want to imagine the embarrassment of getting caught posing topless in front of the mirror, flexing what little muscles I have, and rubbing my nipples, while listening to Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”

I’m too sexy for my shirt/Too sexy for my shirt/So sexy it hurts/And I’m too sexy for Milan/Too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan/And I’m too sexy for your party/Too sexy for your party/No way I’m disco dancing

DAMMIT!!! Why do I remember all these lyrics!?!

Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t even know if it’s worth using the iTunes Gift Card to download these songs, maybe I’ll just download them the old-fashioned way…when the RIAA isn’t looking.

Item: iTunes Gift Card
Purchase Price: FREE (Given as gift)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Makes a great gift. Allows you to buy one-hit wonders you wouldn’t dare spend your own money on.
Cons: Useless if you don’t have iTunes. Possibility of getting caught rubbing nipples topless in front of mirror. My ability to recite all the lyrics from Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”

Being the editor of a quasi-product review blog, I feel it is sometimes my duty to be an advocate for consumers. Today, it is one of those times, as I determine whether or not Hefty is lying to us.

According to the packaging for their HandySaks, they have “101 On The Go Uses.”

How can a product have 101 uses? I can’t think of another product that even comes close to that many uses. For example, a condom. With it you can have protected sex, make water balloons, pull it over your head and try to blow it up, stick it on a doorknob as a practical joke, make condom animals, and that’s about it.

I’m thinking Hefty said “101 uses” because they figured no one in their right mind would actually try to come up with 101 uses.

Hello, Hefty, I am no one in their right mind.

So for the past couple of hours, I have tried to come up with as many uses for these HandySaks as possible.

Here’s what I have:

1. Trash bag
2. Head cover for the ugly person you’re having sex with
3. Barf bag
4. Walrus condom
5. Plastic overalls for a child
6. Shower cap
7. The worst mask you could ever use to rob a bank
8. Cheapest bowling ball bag EVER
9. Drool collector
10. Deadly weapon
11. Worst replacement for car airbag
12. Dog muzzle
13. Ineffective umbrella
14. Something contestants must eat during Fear Factor episode
15. Imaginary friend
16. Dandruff catcher
17. Bib
18. Portable Potty
19. Barbie parachute
20. Cell phone static sound maker
21. Blindfold
22. Elephant condom
23. Noisy bra stuffer
24. Dog poop collector
25. Temporary aquarium
26. Hide porn purchases
27. Unsafe ghost costume for children
28. Replacement KKK hood
29. Tank top
30. Clothes hamper
31. Worst balloon ever at the Macy’s Day Parade
32. Surrender flag
33. Ashlee Simpson muzzle
34. Punching bag
35. Replacement for feather in the next Forrest Gump movie
36. A place to stash your weed
37. Diaper bag
38. Something to put on your doorknob to let your roommate know you’re getting it on
39. Hobo purse
40. Chihuahua carrier
41. Horse condom
42. Water bucket
43. Noisy crotch stuffer
44. Fog camouflage
45. Bonnet
46. Protect bald heads from sunlight
47. Cheap fake Santa beard
48. Wind measurer
49. Michael Jackson face mask
50. Trash
51. Armpit sweat collectors
52. Floatation device
53. Dishwashing gloves
54. Bondage toy
55. Environmental hazard
56. The new tumbleweed
57. The new black
58. Sea life strangler
59. Hyperventilation aid
60. American Idol contestant
61. A cloud in a diorama
62. Corny car antenna decoration
63. Marvo condom
64. A place to store old toenail clippings
65. Temporary Underwater Breathing Apparatus (TUBA) (Thanks Lou)
66. Hobo shoes (Thanks Lou)
67. Sack for sack races (Thanks Lou)
68. Hang it on wall and use it as a shelf-sack (Thanks Lou)
69. Backpack (Thanks Lou)
70. Wedding favors (Thanks Mir)
71. Insulation (Thanks frymaster)
72. Balloon (Thanks jenny)
73. Ghetto Car Windshield (Thanks Damon)
74. A bag to stick bags into (Thanks Mellie)
75. Ghetto car bra (Thanks Webmiztris)
76. Ugly dress (Thanks Webmiztris)
77. Put under sheets to protect mattress from pee stains (Thanks Webmiztris)
78. Keep your feet dry when you’re wearing leaky boots (Thanks Webmiztris)
79. Suitcase substitute for poor people (Thanks Webmiztris)
80. Big Foot’s Socks (Thanks Goldberry)
81. Grape squishing shoes (Thanks Goldberry)
82. Vet gloves (before they stuff their arms into a horse) (Thanks Goldberry)
83. A pocket bib (Thanks Goldberry)
84. Granny Panties (Thanks Goldberry)
85. A jump rope out of ALL the bags in the package (Thanks Goldberry)

As you can see, I came up with only 64 uses, which is still a lot, but not the 101 uses Hefty advertised. Maybe I’m just lazy and there are many more uses for it.

Well let’s find out. Can you come up with more uses?

Update: Okay, okay, okay. Apparently, there ARE over 101 uses for these Hefty HandySaks. I’ll admit Hefty, I was wrong and you were right. I’m sorry, I will never doubt you again. You ARE waaaay better than Glad.

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Item: Hefty HandySaks
Purchase Price: $1.04
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Loose-change-in-couch-cheap. Handy. Condensed. Lots of uses.
Cons: Bags are shaped weird. Lots of uses, but not 101 uses.

Last night was the first and only time I really wanted soooo badly to be around smokers to inhale second-hand smoke.

It all started when I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go to the finals of an ultimate bartending competition at this place.

At first, I wasn’t interested because I have this fear of situations where there is a pretty good possibility of getting hit square in the face by a glass bottle. However, after thinking about it for a moment, I realized that it would be a great opportunity to see if these All Revitalizer Cloths can refresh my clothes after being around smokers.

Editor’s Note: Going to the bartending competition was also the reason why this review was a little late today.

The purpose of the All Revitalizer Cloths is to refresh the clothes you’ve only worn for a few of hours and don’t want to wash because you’ve only worn them for a few of hours. In other words, it’s for those clothes that you want to wear recycle.

Okay, subjecting my clothes to cigarette smoke was an extreme scenario, but it did give me a good reason to get out of the apartment and become a social butterfly, instead of an antisocial cocoon.

So I decided to go to the competition, but when my friend and I got there at 10:30pm, the place was kind of empty. The competition didn’t start until 11pm and for the first hour there were no smokers around me. This greatly disappointed me.

However, suddenly this beautiful, busty brunette with a lit cigarette in between her fingers approached me. When I looked at her, she pointed at me for some reason. Then she did it again.

Was she flirting with me?

She came closer and with her free hand, she placed it on my shoulder.

I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m hott! This woman is totally flirting with me.”

Then she removed her hand, grabbed the ashtray that was behind me, and then turned around.

I’m soooo NOT hott.

Well at least I had an opportunity to be around second-hand smoke.

Eventually the place got a bit more crowded and a couple more smokers moved into the area where I was being soooo NOT hott.

At about 2:30am, my friend and I left the club. When I got home, I stripped off my clothes and stuck it in the dryer with one of the moist All Revitalizer Cloths.

Twenty minutes later, I pulled my clothes out and took a whiff. Overall it does a decent job in refreshing my clothing. My shirt had a light citrus scent, but I also could still smell a hint of cigarette smoke. The pants I wore also had a light citrus scent, but I couldn’t smell any hint of smoke. As for my underwear, it didn’t matter because I didn’t wear any.

So while hanging up my clothes, I wondered about other situations where the All Revitalizer Cloths would come in handy.

I could only think of one group of people who these would also come in handy for: People having affairs.

Think about it. If you’re having a wild sex romp in the back seat of your car, some of the cologne/perfume the other person is wearing will probably rub onto you and your clothing. The scent that rubs onto you is easy to hide, but the scent that rubs onto your clothing isn’t.

You could just wash the clothes, but that might make your significant other suspicious, since they might be wondering why you’re doing laundry in the middle of dinner. Or you could burn the clothes, but buying new clothes every other day can get pretty expensive.

So I think the All Revitalizer Cloths is a discreet and inexpensive way to hide your affairs.

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Item: All Revitalizer Cloths
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice light scent. Easy to use. Discreet and inexpensive way to hide affairs.
Cons: Can’t use with large loads of clothes, seven items max. Mixed results.
Standing naked in front of a dryer waiting for clothes is soooo NOT hott.

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

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Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.

As many of you know, earlier this month, my digital camera broke and I had to buy a new one. Many of you also know that it broke while I was taking photos of a product I was planning to review.

Um, that last part was a lie. It actually broke while I was taking photos of myself.

Why was I taking photos of myself? I needed self-portraits for the online dating service I’m planning to sign up for.

Although I’m scared to try an online dating service, because who knows what kind of freaky-deeky girl I might end up on a date with? But then again, freaky-deeky sounds pretty good…because I’m desperate.

Anyway, the new digital camera I bought was the Canon PowerShot A85. I actually wanted the $200 3.2-megapixel Canon PowerShot A75, but NOBODY had it in stock, so I had to buy the more expensive, 4-megapixel PowerShot A85.

While researching digital cameras, I had to read a lot of reviews. These reviews got pretty boring because they explained things like aperture, ISO, exposure, blah, blah, blah. See it’s pretty boring.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we’re not going to bore you with stuff like that, instead we will ask hypothetical questions that include scenarios most people would use a camera for and find out if the PowerShot A85 would do a good job in each of these scenarios.

Question #1

“I just gave birth to my daughter, her name is Melody, and I want to take pictures of all the important moments of her young life, like her first steps, her first tooth, and her appearance in the possible future movie Baby Geniuses 3, but I’m not knowledgeable about photography. Is it easy to take photos with this camera?”

Yes. There’s an Auto Mode that lets the camera do almost all the work, like figuring out the appropriate aperture and shutter speed. All you have to do is point and shoot. The Auto Mode takes great pictures and those pictures will help psychiatrists understand why Melody doesn’t like you for forcing her to be in what will probably be, if they make it, one of the worst movies EVER.

Question #2

“I’m 70-years-old, technophobic, and don’t own a computer. Is this camera good for taking photos of my beautiful, but bratty grandchildren?”

No. I’ve learned that elderly people with technophobia and digital cameras don’t mix. It’s like sticking a gun in the hands of the Dalai Lama.

As for the lack of a computer, you might be fine there because this camera allows direct printing from the camera to special Canon printers.

On second thought, the technophobia will definitely come into play here because if you can’t set the time on your VCR, you probably won’t be able to figure out how to print your grandchildren’s photos from your camera.

Question #3

“Is this camera good for when I go to Mardi Gras and take pictures of women flashing their boobs?”

Yes. When a woman flashes her boobs, make sure the camera is set to the Fast Shutter option. This allows you to take better photos of those shy women who show their boobs really fast, without the risk of blurred photos. Also, make sure you have a lot of bead necklaces.

Question #4

“I read that the PowerShot A85 allows me to take video clips. Would this be a good option for finding out if my significant other is cheating on me by hiding the camera in the bedroom?”

No. The video quality for digital still cameras isn’t as good as it would be for real video cameras. Video quality is important in these circumstances because I’m sure you would like to know who your significant other is cheating with so you can hunt that person down. Also, depending on the size of your memory card, the camera can’t take very long clips.

Question #5

“I’m planning to sign up for one of those online dating services and I need to take a picture of myself. I’m not very good looking and when I tried to take a self-portrait of myself, the digital camera I was using broke down on me. Will this camera break if I take a picture of myself?”

Yes AND No. Are you wearing a paper bag over your head when you take the picture? If you are, the camera won’t break. If you aren’t wearing one, I highly suggest you do NOT take a self-portrait because the camera will break.

Also, if you’re extremely claustrophobic and you might suffocate with a paper bag on your head, a big sheet of paper in front of your face can be used instead of a paper bag.

Conclusion

Overall, I liked this camera. It takes great shots and has a great battery life, since it takes four AA batteries to power it. The PowerShot A85 is great for those who just want to point and shoot or for those control freaks that like manual options.

It’s a great camera for almost any scenario you may face.

Editor’s Note: For more product reviews go check out our friends at the Message Whore.

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Item: Canon Powershot A85
Purchase Price: $279.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for taking pictures of flashing boobs. Allows direct printing from camera to special Canon printers. Won’t break when ugly people take self-portraits with a paper bag over their head.
Cons: Video option isn’t good for trying to catch your significant other cheating on you. Too complex for elderly, technophobic people.