Tag: Misc

B is for Bug

I have the iTunes Music Store bug. So far I’ve bought 453 songs from iTunes. Although as you regular Impulsive Buy readers may know, 117 of those came from the Mozart: Symphonies collection I bought a few months back in my attempt to win the iTunes 1,000,000th download contest.

The great thing about the iTunes Music Store is the ability to purchase and download individual tracks. I want “Ice Ice Baby,” but I definitely don’t want the rest of To The Extreme. Okay, maybe I might want “Play That Funky Music,” but just for those I Love the 90s nostalgia moments and when I decide to get lines shaved on the side of my head.

On occasion, I do purchase whole albums from iTunes, like Less Than Jake’s B is for B-Sides

B is for Bargain

B is for B-Sides is a bargain because I bought the album for $7.92. At Amazon the CD can be purchased for $13.98. That’s a six-dollar difference. Sure you can rip the songs and distribute them across peer-to-peer networks with the CD, but I’m really scared of the RIAA and Metallica, although not as much since they cut their hair.

B is for Brief.

B is for B-Sides contains 12 tracks that total about 28 minutes in length, which is quite brief. Almost all of the songs run under two minutes and thirty seconds. Just to let you ladies know, my lovemaking sessions last much longer than this album. So what album would best describe the length of my lovemaking abilities? All 9 hours and 56 minutes of the Mozart: Symphonies collection, of course.

Okay, not really.

B is for Bitchin’

Despite its length, the album is bitchin’ (Wait. Do the young folks still use that word? How about B is for Bad Ass?). All the tracks for B is for B-Sides were recorded for the Anthem album, which was released last year. If you’re a hardcore fan of the group, this album will probably sound a little different than their earlier albums, because the horn section isn’t featured as much. But the songs are as fast-paced as ever. Some of my favorites include “Portrait of a Cigarette Smoker At 19” and “Bridge and Tunnel Authority.”

B is for Bill

Because the iTunes Music Store uses your credit card information for purchases, the $7.92 was added to my slowly growing credit card bill, but it was worth it.

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Item: Less Than Jake – B is for B-Sides
Purchase Price: $7.92 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Bargain. Bitchin’ and Bad Ass.
Cons: Brief.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” was my initial reaction when my iPod stopped working.

The next thing that came to my mind was: How the hell was I going to drown out the world and the voices in my head without my iPod?

YOU WILL BUY CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL FOR MINORS!!!

I thought about alcohol, but that would get expensive if I’m drinking as often as I listen to my iPod. That would also eventually lead to Alcohol Anonymous meetings and a liver transplant.

I thought about sticking a finger in each ear and repeatedly chant “la, la, la, la,” but that would lead to a mental institution.

YOU WILL SILENTLY FART IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR AND BLAME SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Okay, before I could think about drowning out the world and the voices, I needed to get my iPod repaired.

Fortunately, requesting a repair is easy to do on the Apple website in the iPod support section (www.apple.com/support/ipod/). Just click on the request repair link and that will lead you to various online forms you need to fill out. After you fill out the forms, you’ll get an email saying a box will be shipped to you. The box, which comes with enough foam padding to possibly win any egg drop contest, arrived the next day.

YOU WILL GET TATTOOS ON YOUR ASS WITH “WIDE” ON ONE CHEEK AND “LOAD” ON THE OTHER!!!

So now that my iPod was on its way for repairs, I could concentrate on drowning out the world and the voices in my head. But what could I do?

NOTHING!!! YOU ARE MINE TO CONTROL!!!

CDs? Carry around four and a half inch disks that can hold around fifteen songs? I probably would have, but I didn’t own a CD player.

Or I could’ve listened to the radio with its commercials and obnoxious DJs. Ha! I spit in the face of radio! Ptwooie!

I couldn’t think of anything so I had to tolerate the world and do what the voices in my head told me to do.

YOU WILL GO ON THE GAME SHOW JEOPARDY AND ALWAYS GIVE THE ANSWER “WHAT IS POOP?”

Several times a day I was checking the iPod support site to see how the repairs were progressing. For a whole week nothing happened. Then finally on Wednesday, the iPod support site said another iPod was ordered for me and it was shipped the same day.

I thought I would get it the next day, but that didn’t happen because of the delivery guy. The problem with him, who has delivered stuff to me before, is that he knocks really softly. You would think having the ability to knock loud enough to get a person’s attention would be in the job description, along with able to lift heavy loads, knows roadways, good customer service, and have an excellent driving record.

YOU WILL OPEN A STARBUCKS!!!

So I didn’t hear him knock when he first attempted to deliver my iPod to me, the day after it shipped. Instead I was left with a note saying he will try to deliver it the next day.

The next day I waited for the delivery guy in the living room with the front door of my apartment open. He arrived at around 1:00pm and I had my iPod connected to my computer minutes later.

YOU WILL VOTE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION!!!

It was pretty crazy without my iPod but everything in my world is now balanced again and the voices in my head stopped.

NO YOU CANNOT STOP ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! NOOOOO!!!

From this experience, I learned a valuable lesson.

I need a backup iPod.

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Item: Apple iPod Repair Service
Purchase Price: FREE (iPod was under one year warranty)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Overnight shipping. Got a new iPod. I can tune out the world.
Cons: Almost two weeks without my iPod.

While browsing though the DVD new releases section at my favorite national brick and mortar music and video store chain that has filed for bankruptcy due to online shopping and illegal downloading, I came upon several interesting titles.

For example, the Olsen twins’ “New York Minute,” which I would’ve gotten, but I’m not a teenage girl or a lonely, scary middle-aged man, who gets Victoria’s Secrets catalogs delivered to his mailbox under a female alias.

I also happen to come upon a DVD I was hoping they would put out someday, The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Holy crap! All of my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

Let me tell you, buying this DVD is a lot easier than trying to illegally download Triumph clips via Kazaa or Limewire. To download these clips is sooo slow sometimes and not every clip is available. Plus, the Hollywood Squares clip is kind of fuzzy, like someone recorded the clip on a television that gets its reception from a cheapo antenna.

Not like I do that kind of illegal downloading, Mr. Recording Industry Association of America and Ms. Motion Picture Association of America.

Um…like I said before, all my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

From the classic Attack of the Nerds, where Triumph harasses the nerds waiting in line at the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones premier to his appearances on the previously mentioned Hollywood Squares to all his Westminster Dog Show segments to his trashing of Bon Jovi.

As with all DVDs there are some never-before-seen extras, like more footage on Triumph’s Attack of the Nerds. There can never be too much of harassing of nerds. If I have to go through the constant harassment, every nerd should go through it.

There’s approximately 150 minutes of laughter for you and many minutes of steamy dog-puppet-on-dog action your pooch might enjoy.

Item: The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD
Purchase Price: $14.99 (on sale)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Damn funny! All of Triumph’s classic comedy bits are on this DVD, which makes illegally downloading them unnecessary. Possible pooch porn.
Cons: Not everyone’s cup of tea, like my parents and your parents. Possible pooch porn.

Despite my English degree, which I got from an accredited four-year university located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, my grammar sucks.

However, when people hear I have an English degree they automatically think I’m a grammar guru and spelling bee champion and they would journey from offices as far away as down the hall to get access to my supposedly vast knowledge of English grammar.

Unfortunately, I’m not a grammar guru or a spelling bee champion, but I feel it’s my obligation as a holder of an English degree to fake it. However, I don’t know if I can fake it much longer, because the questions they ask are getting harder.

So I decided to buy A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me! by Edward Good from the number one online superstore, because it looked like a book that will help me gain vast amounts of English grammar in a portable package. Okay, a 430-page paperback book isn’t the most portable thing, but it sure beats the 921-page hardcover Chicago Manual of Style.

One of the things I like about A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me! is that it’s a book that can be read from cover to cover or used as a reference book.

This is unlike the Chicago Manual of Style, which is definitely a reference book. Anyone who reads the Chicago Manual of Style from cover to cover has too much time on their hands, is a full blown grammar geek, needs to get a life, is not getting enough television, and will never get laid.

Grammar is not the most interesting subject to read about.

It’s definitely below Snaps books. (Yo mamma is so fat that when they gotta catch people out of a burning building the fire fighters grab her arms and legs and use her to catch them. Oh, snap!)

However, the author’s style of writing and his humor made it easier to go through each chapter filled with complex words, like transitive, predicate, conjugated, adverbial, interjections, participal, antecedents, and etc.

It took me six months to finish the book and I feel like I’ve learned a lot.

Actually, I read the first four chapters five months ago and then finished the book recently. I forgot what I learned in the first four chapters, which were kind of important to understand the rest of the book, but like knowing nouns, adjectives, and verbs are really important in grammar.

Like I said before, A Grammar Book For You An I…Oops, Me! is also a great reference book, so instead of rereading the whole book, I’ll just look through the table of contents to find what I’m looking for.

Just like in college, when I used Cliff Notes to study Shakespeare’s Hamlet, because I didn’t read an iota of it.

Item: A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me!
Purchase Price: $17.95
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Author’s style and humor made it a fun read. Also makes a great reference book.
Cons: Would confuse a certain President of the United States because of the book’s use of three-syllable words.

Ever brush your teeth with your finger?

I have several times after waking up next to some girl I don’t even know and let me tell you, it really doesn’t work very well. You end up with toothpaste under your nail and you don’t get consistent toothpaste foaming. Sure I could use the girl’s toothbrush, but I don’t know where her mouth has been. Okay, I know where her mouth was several hours ago, but before that, I don’t know.

Thank oral hygiene for Oral-B Brush-Ups, which could eliminate those uncomfortable situations.

Oral-B calls their Brush-Ups “textured teeth wipes,” which are used to clean teeth and freshen breath. Don’t we have too many ways to freshen our breath? Let’s see, there’s gum, mints, and breath strips. Now we have teeth wipes. I think we’ve reached the point where we need another breath freshener, like we need another hole in our head or another Bush in office.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just pop a mint or chew some gum?

I guess it might be good for those people who brush their teeth at work and are afraid that co-workers might mess with their toothbrush in ways that I could only imagine in my demented, evil head.

So how to they work?

Each Brush-Up is individually wrapped and basically it’s a sleeve that you slide over your finger. The textured side has all the minty goodness, while the opposite side is where you slide your finger. I had some trouble getting it on my pointer finger, which isn’t very big. So if you’ve got big fingers, you might have trouble putting it on.

After sliding it on, I began to wipe my teeth, gums, and tongue, like they suggest on the package. While wiping my teeth, it brought back memories of all those nights with strange women I don’t even remember the names of. Well I’m sure they don’t remember mine, or they chose to forget.

When I was done, I just threw it away, like the phone numbers of those nameless women. Oral-B claims that a special moisture shield helps keep fingers dry, but my finger did get quite moist.

To be honest, the Brush-Ups made my mouth feel like they’ve been sort of brushed. I have a minty taste in my mouth, but I think if you wanted to freshen your breath, some gum, a mint, or a breath strip will do a much better job.

I wouldn’t recommend the Oral-B Brush-Ups to be a replacement for regular brushing. However, they do come in handy in certain situation, like waking up in the apartment of some girl I met less than eight hours ago.

Item: Oral-B Brush-Ups
Purchase Price: $3.49 (12 pack)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Clever idea. Perfect for those times when you wake up at some strange girl’s place.
Cons: If you want to freshen your breath it’s easier to chew gum or pop a mint or breath strip in your mouth. If you have big fingers, you’re going to have a big problem getting a Brush-Ups on.