Tag: Misc

(Editor’s Note: The above video is a little over nine minutes long. Enjoy my pain.)

I am sure many of you women out there do not think we men can handle pain. You may think that all men are a bunch of pussies, who cannot handle paper cuts or pushing a baby out through an orifice that geometrically should not have a baby go through. Well I’m here on behalf of men everywhere to prove that men can handle pain. If I had the plumbing, tools, and feel good medications necessary to give birth, I totally would, but instead you’re going to have to settle for getting my chest hairs ripped out.

My hair ripping dominatrix for my morning appointment was Terry, who specializes in Brazilian waxes. Unfortunately, unlike most dominatrixes there weren’t any “safe words” I could use if the pain became a little too much to bear. I just had to suck it up, like all guys forced to watch the movie Atonement with their lady friends. Although, I did come with a few possible “safe words,” like “peanut butter,” “Stop! Hammer Time!,” and “Perez Hilton is an attention whore.”

The application of wax felt good. The warm sensation was like putting on a pair of boxers straight from the dryer or tenderly embracing someone covered in Icy Hot. Terry used two types of wax on my pudgy body: a strip wax, which was used for large areas, and a hard wax, used for smaller and sensitive areas (ie. nipple). Both may have felt good going on, but the strip wax was pretty much a bitch coming off.

The strip wax was more painful since it was responsible for pulling out the majority of my fur in large clumps. I really didn’t want to know what it is like being Velcro, but thanks to the strip wax I now know. The hard wax was not so bad. It felt like a band aid being ripped off of my body or pasties being ripped off of my nipples.

Some areas were really painful, while with other areas I felt nothing at all. Overall, I thought it was not so bad of an experience. Sure, if you watch the video, I yelp out in pain many times, but I also do that with, Vixen, my real dominatrix, and whenever I yelp out in pain, our “safe words” are not far behind, which are usually, “Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail.” I did not expect it to be a painless procedure and if I did not get it done by a professional, it probably would have been extremely painful.

After the waxing, there was redness, which wasn’t painful, but stuck around for about four days. Despite the redness, it felt nice having a smooth chest and I rubbed my chest quite a bit. As a matter of fact, I rubbed it so much that if I had sandpaper for hands, I would no longer have nipples. The smooth feeling lasted a little bit longer than I expected. Stubble didn’t start to show until two weeks later and my chest hair feels softer than usual.

Would I do it again? Yes, I would and I’ll probably make another appointment to see if it is easier the second time around and to get closer to my metrosexual side. But now with a smooth chest, when women have sex with me, they can close their eyes (or put a bag over my head) and imagine I’m someone else, instead of a furry woodland creature.

(Editor’s Note: I would like to thank TIB friend Cian for setting my appointment for pain and I would also like to thank Terry from Heaven on Earth Spa for making my experience as memorable as possible.)

Item: Chest Waxing
Price: $40 (regular $55)
Purchased at: Heaven on Earth Spa
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not as painful as I thought. Smooth chest for the ladies. Professional waxers. Lasted longer than shaving. Applying the wax felt good. Safe words. Putting on a pair of boxers straight from the dryer.
Cons: Redness for several days after. Not permanent. Strip wax. Being Velcro. Dominatrix prices. Getting waxed by a non-professional.

The scent of the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel takes me back to the mid-1990s because it smells very similar to my cologne of choice back in those days — Davidoff’s Cool Water, or as I called it, “Liquid Sexy.”

For me, the mid-1990s was a time of freedom, during which I shunned bedtimes, ate whatever I wanted, said whatever was on my mind, drank alcohol via a tube and funnel, and lost my virginity…I think.

I loved the scent of Cool Water so much that to get the full effect of it I also used the deodorant, shower gel, shampoo, aftershave, hair gel, moisturizer, and a folded Cool Water scented advertisement from either Men’s Health Magazine or GQ Magazine placed in one of my pockets.

Whenever you were around me in those days, you could not miss the seductive scent of Cool Water radiating from my body and you could not light a match near me because I was highly flammable.

Speaking of being hot, that’s what the ladies would feel after getting a whiff of my “man aura.” Whenever I came walking by, women would step aside and watch me glide. Some would turn their heads away, while others would walk further away to ensure they wouldn’t embarrass themselves by jumping my bones in public. Sure, I never got laid while wearing Cool Water, but I guess that just proves I was too sexy with it on.

So instead I must settle for the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel, which contains aloe to helps soothe and soften the skin, tea tree oil to invigorate and refresh the skin, and comes in a manly turquoise color. After using it, I could not tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed, but I think for most men they really don’t care about that.

Overall, I really do like its earthy, slightly musky scent, which is definitely for guys, and mostly importantly, it gets me clean. It may not exactly be like the “Liquid Sexy” I remember and it won’t get me laid, but perhaps I can create a few new memories with the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel in the mid-2000s.

Item: Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel
Price: $10.50
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: If you want to relive the 1990s, it kind of smells like Davidoff’s Cool Water cologne. Lathers nicely. Gets me clean. My “man aura.”
Cons: Limited Bath & Body Works stuff for men. Can’t tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed. Being highly flammable. Being too sexy.

Some of you might be wondering how my chest waxing went this weekend. Here’s 12 seconds of pain for you. The review will be coming in the near future.

There are some benefits to being hairier than others.

First off, winter nights don’t seem so cold because hair is wonderful insulation and I can somewhat understand why the Olsen Twins use actual animal fur to cover their meatless, Cryptkeeper-like bodies.

Secondly, having ample hair follicles means having a large field available for harvest if there is ever a need for hair transplants. Sure, some of them might be coarse or pubic-ish, but that’s what smelly, harsh hair-straightening chemicals are for.

Thirdly, if you’re a dude, you can open a few shirt buttons and play Magnum, P.I. whenever you want, if you have access to a Ferrari 308 GTS and can get Higgins, T.C. and Rick to play with you, which shouldn’t be hard, since they’re probably not doing anything anyway.

If you’re a long time reader of The Impulsive Buy or have seen me naked, you know that I am somewhat hirsute. For you newer readers, to give you an idea of how hairy I am, here are some posts that show some evidence that I may possibly be a descendant of the Yeti in the Disneyland Matterhorn ride. In the Veet Rasera review I showed off my legs, during the the first anniversary prize drawing post I gave readers a glimpse of my arms, and in the Axe Dry Clix review I scared off TIB readers by showing them my armpit.

So with a little convincing from TIB reader Cian, I decided to review the experience of getting some of my hair ripped out of their follicles via waxing, and you will help choose which body part of mine will feel that pain. I’m going to give you five options and you can vote on which one you like best or the one that will cause me the most pain.

Here are the five body parts you can vote for:

1. Underarms
2. Arms
3. Legs
4. Chest
5. Eyebrows (just sculpting)

(Extreme Editor’s Note: Getting a Manzilian IS NOT an option.)

The body part with the most votes will be declared the winner and I will get that part of my body waxed by a trained professional and then review the experience. Yes, in the review, there will be pictures of the procedure and just like a Rambo IV preview, if there is blood, I will show it to you.

To vote, either leave a comment with this post that contains the body part you want me to get waxed or email me at theimpulsivebuy AT gmail DOT com with your choice in the subject line. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Friday, January 11th (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time).

Now go vote like you’re helping to create one of the gazillion lists out there for the best and worst of 2007.

I’d like to think I’m an every man. Just your typical Y chromosome.

HIGH FIVE!

Like most guys, I love watching sports. Whenever my favorite sport, figure skating, is on, I get all crazy over that shit. Whenever my boyz come over to watch a competition, we all represent by putting on tight sequin jumpsuits with a sock in the crotch. Some of our suits have tassels, while others have lace. We each have a different favorite professional skater, so the color of the sequins on our suits depend on which country the athlete is from.

Things can get pretty rowdy when we’re watching them compete, like whenever my boy Stephane Lambiel pulls out a triple triple-double, I start to talk trash and do my bad ass victory dance, which consists of jazz hands, pirouettes, and an “In yo’ face!”

NON-SEXUAL PAT ON THE ASS!

I’m a man’s man, man. Even the things I own are items that an every man has.

What man doesn’t enjoy the softness of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and an 800 thread count down feather comforter with images of bamboo stalks on them? I love the way it feels on my skin when I sleep every night in just my birthday suit and a gel sleep mask, like all manly men do.

Also, I have what every every man has, an array of candles. I’ve got candles for each of the seasons, candles for different moods, and candles that really help me get in touch with my masculine side. Sometimes when I’m feeling really manly, I’ll make my own candles. I’ve been experimenting with scents and I’ve come up with some manly scents, like rose lemon zest and ivory green tea potpourri.

FIST PUMP!

Since I’m an every man, I knew I had to try the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash. As you can see in the picture above, it comes in an unusually shaped bottle, which reminded me of something manly, but I couldn’t quite figure it out at first. However, when I took it into the shower with me and turned it sideways, I quickly figured out what manly thing it was, which you can see below.

The body wash inside the cock and ballsack-shaped bottle pleasantly tickled my olfactory sense. The really nice citrus scent was sweet and orangey, which I felt was a nice unisex fragrance that both men and women could use, much like the mid-1990s over-hyped scent, cK one. It lathered up nicely and washed away cleanly.

According to the bottle, the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash consists of coconut-derived surfactants to cleanse, polyethylene beads to scrub away dry and dead skin, and citrus oils of mandarin orange and lemon to refresh. What this body wash doesn’t contain is sodium lauryl sulfate, dyes, and paraben, which I think is good for those of you with really sensitive skin, but if you were a man’s man, you might want to see a dermatologist for that.

CHEST BUMP!

Item: Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash
Price: $4.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great citrus smell. Unisex scent. Scrubby. Never tested on animals. Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) free. Dye free. Paraben free. Candles. Figure skating. 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets. HIGH FIVE!
Cons: Not available at many retailers. The bottle turned sideways looks like cock and balls. Being a dude and wearing the same fragrance as your female college chemistry lab partner.