They say every time you reject a Girl Scout’s offer to buy their cookies, you take one step closer to hell.

Because I believe there is some truth to those words, I have yet to decline the saleswomanship of a Girl Scout who comes up to me as I walk out of my favorite grocery store and ask, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?” It’s also hard to decline them because they say staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel.

But whenever I’m posed the question of whether or not I would like to buy Girl Scout Cookies, an internal quandary occurs. My cold heart says, “Begone Brownie Scout for I wish not to partake in your hedonistic cookies,” but because my heart is connected to my circulatory system and not my digestive system, which my mouth and stomach are a part of, it has no say in the matter when the following words come out of my cookie hole: “Do you have Thin Mints?”

My cold heart feels the way it does because deep down I want to reject every Girl Scout that steps in front of me, just like every girl who rejected me when I needed a date to my Junior Prom. I don’t care if I’m going to end up in hell, because all of my friends are going to be with me. I want to break free from this stranglehold because my wallet cannot take being asked every week if I want to purchase Girl Scout Cookies. But it’s difficult to do so due to the guilt I may bring upon myself from bruising the confidence of a young woman, because I remember the pain of having my ego bruised by the throngs of women who rejected me before bids were due.

But I think I may have found a weapon to help break the chains of guilt and to block the pleas of Girl Scouts — the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos.

Just like German pornstars are comfortable with being covered in bodily fluids, Oreos are no stranger when it comes to being covered in fudge, having been coated with regular fudge and white fudge in the past. The mint fudge used with these Oreo cookies made them taste like Nabisco stole the recipe for Thin Mints, because they taste surprisingly similar. Although, the Mint Fudge Covered Oreo has less of a minty flavor than the Girl Scout Cookie. But nonetheless, these cookies are good enough that they make me want shove my hand in the face of a Girl Scout and say, “Not this year, tween she-devil! Not. This. Year.”

As good as these cookies are, I wish they tasted a little more like an Oreo. The mint flavor seems to have nullified the white vanilla filling. Also, I was disappointed the box contained only 12 cookies. Sure, the fudge causes the cookies to be a little thicker, but the amount of cookies makes me feel like I’m getting jacked.

Girl Scouts may make me feel guilty, but they don’t make me feel like I’m getting screwed.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 90 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreo
Price: $2.79 (on sale)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes very much like Thin Mints. Allows me to say “hell no” to Girl Scouts. It’s fudgerrific! Has one gram of monounsaturated fat. Staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel. Breaks the chains of guilt.
Cons: It’s frickin’ limited edition. Couldn’t taste the white filling. Only 12 frickin’ cookies. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Bruising the egos of young women. Bruising the ego of a guy looking for a date to the prom.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with porn, when two guys are having intercourse with one woman at the same time, the genre (yes, there are genres) is called double penetration. But I don’t like that term, because it seems a bit too harsh and violent. I’d like to start a movement to get the genre name changed to the much friendlier “double stuf,” named after the regular Double Stuf Oreo and the new Golden Double Stuf Oreo.

Think of it as the equivalent of menstruation’s “Aunt Flo.”

With a more affectionate term, it would be a win-win for the porn industry and Nabisco. More people will buy or rent double stuf videos, like Double Backdoor Honeys, Duo Deckers and Two of a Behind, and hungry masturbators everywhere will crave Double Stuf cookies. Although, the use of the term “cream filling” in the double stuf video might not make the cookies too appetizing.

If double stuf becomes a part of the pornography vernacular, it won’t be long before Double Stuf the Magic Hungmen becomes a porn series.

While you dwell on my awesome cross-promotion skillz, let me tell you about the new Golden Double Stuf Oreos, which for some reason I thought already existed. After I opened the packaging using the easy pull tab, I swear I could smell the scent of marshmallows coming from it. By the way, someone should win a Nobel Peace Prize, or at least an AVN Award, for the easy-to-open resealable packaging.

I haven’t had Golden Oreos in a very long time, but I know in the past that I didn’t really care for them. However, I guess my taste buds have had a change of taste, or maybe it’s the high fructose corn syrup, because I really like its vanilla flavor. The lickable cream filling tastes the same as the stuff found in between the chocolate cookies of a regular Oreo and it enhances the flavor of the crunchy vanilla cookies.

While I really do enjoy the Golden Double Stuf Oreos, I still prefer the chocolate Oreos over them, which proves once again, “Once you go black, you’ll never go back” or “Once you go golden, you’ll keep your options open.”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 10 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(NOTE: AVN stands for Adult Video News.)

Item: Golden Double Stuf Oreo
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great vanilla flavor. Cream filling enhances the vanilla flavor. More cream filling than regular Oreos. My awesome cross-promotion skillz. The easy-to-open resealable packaging. The term “double stuf” to replace “double penetration.”
Cons: Not as good as regular Oreo cookies. Not as good as regular Oreos to dip in milk. High fructose corn syrup. 150 calories for ONLY two cookies. Ruining childhood stories with porn versions of them. The term “double penetration.”

What is black, white and red all over?

An Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme on top of an apple.

HA! HA! HA!

I know. Right about now you want to punch me in the face for that horrible riddle. I’ll admit, it wasn’t at all impressive and, just to let you know, I punched myself in the face for it. But I came up with that poorly conceived riddle to see if I could create something as unimaginative as the Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme cookies.

It seems Nabisco is taking a page out of the Pop-Tarts Playbook by offering flavors that are straight off of an ice cream parlor’s menu. It’s like they looked under Pop-Tarts’ skirt to find out what panties she was wearing, discovered it was a Victoria’s Secret PINK thong, picked one up for herself and pretended to be Pop-Tarts in front of a mirror. It’s sort of like the movie Single White Female, except no one gets stabbed with a shoe or screwdriver and that guy from the TV show Wings isn’t around.

Could Nabisco try to impress me? All the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme consists of is a filling that’s half regular white Oreo filling and half fudge flavored filling in between two regular chocolate cookies. It seems they put as much effort into it as I did with the riddle at the beginning of this review. It’s like all they did was forge together a normal Oreo with a Chocolate Creme one. They’re gonna have to do more than that. They gotta tickle my balls, and not just with their fingers, but lightly with their fingernails. Or if they have either handy, a feather or a starchy tube sock.

I’ll admit, I did enjoy the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme, but that’s not saying much because as I’ve said before, I would get busy with any Oreo flavor in a Burger King bathroom. It has a decent chocolateyness to it that wasn’t too powerful thanks to the white Oreo filling, but I think it tastes too similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme.

There were also inconsistencies with the ratio of fudge filling to normal white filling. Some Oreos had a lot of fudge filling, while others had little. There was also shiny, oily film over the filling, which I’m going to call Oreo Sweat — feel free to add it to Urban Dictionary. While the Oreo Sweat makes it easier to twist off the top cookie, if you’re into licking the filling, you dirty girl, it’s not really pleasant to think that this cookie can get wet.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 8% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I enjoyed it. I’d get busy with it in a Burger King bathroom. Decent chocolateyness. Pretty much any Oreo flavor is a good flavor. Thongs. Tickled balls.
Cons: Taste similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme. Unimpressive flavor idea. Shiny, oily film over filling. Inconsistencies with filling ratio. Contains high fructose corn syrup. My riddle abilities.

It doesn’t take much to make my nipples hard.

A light winter breeze, a cold shower or reading a Harry Potter book by candlelight in only my boxers all have the ability to areolas extendus. But nothing gets my nipples stiffer than the combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

It’s so bad that whenever I’m eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I make sure to fold my arms across my chest so that I don’t poke an eye out with my chesty protrusions. Because of my nipple’s love for chocolate and peanut butter, I was looking forward to enjoying the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters.

If you’ve never had Cakesters before, it has a cream filling that’s inside two soft cake cookies that have a consistency that’s similar to the nipple (and artery) hardening Hostess Twinkies and Ho Ho. If you’ve never wrapped your lips around anything Hostess makes or Cakesters, congratulations, you will probably live a few years longer than those of us who have.

The Peanut Butter Creme version combines soft chocolatey cake on the outside with a peanut butter filling, which sounds really good and I was hoping it would be just as delicious as the regular Peanut Butter Creme Oreos. But sadly, after eating it, I feel they’re trying to hurt the sacred combination of chocolate and peanut butter in one cakey swoop. Instead of making my nipples erect, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters takes my nipples and gives them a purple nurple.

The chocolate cake cookies are just as soft as all the other flavors of Cakesters I’ve tried, but the flavor of the peanut butter creme is significantly muted and the only time I really taste it is in the aftertaste. This is disappointing because what makes my nipples turn into rockets when I eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is the nutty flavor of the peanut butter which stands out more than the chocolate.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters accomplishes the opposite of that and makes my nipples sore with sadness.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package (2 cakesters) – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.)

(Note: We also reviewed the original Oreo Cakesters (good) and the Nilla Cakesters (bad).)

Item: Peanut Butter Oreo Cakesters
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Placing the word nipple in every paragraph in this review. Chocolate cake cookies were soft. Making my nipples hard. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Twinkies and Ho Hos.
Cons: Weak peanut butter flavor. Contains high fructose corn syrup. One of the worst combinations that involves chocolate and peanut butter. Leaves my fingers slightly greasy. One Cakester is more than 100 calories. Getting a purple nurple.