Tag: Oscar Mayer

Is the holiday season getting you down? Are you shopping for people based on how much you can stand them instead of considering their interests? Did you find your date for that Christmas party by posting an ad on Craigslist? Did you slip her a $50 so that she would pretend that she met you when you were volunteering at a children’s hospital?

Well, join the club.

It has indeed been a hectic season for me. Money earned at regular jobs has gone into the pockets of corporate America. Money earned working odd jobs has gone into the hands of the dealer on the street corner. I can’t even walk by a Spencer Gifts without lamenting that I can’t afford gag presents. When you can’t afford fake things, it’s probably time to start over.

Instead of feeling down, I decided to treat myself by trying something new at the supermarket. You can say that I am merely eating my emotions, but this isn’t the season for judging. I saw this box of Oscar Mayer Deli Creations tempting me with its promise of being “hot and melty.” It was rather expensive for being less than half a pound, $3.50, but I figured that I was already broke so I might as well hit rock bottom before clawing my way back up.

When I got home, it really did feel like opening a Christmas package. It had all types of goodies, coming with “steakhouse roast beef,” a long slice of real cheese, sauce, mayonnaise, and a roll. Most of this stuff is dirt cheap by itself, but it seems rather impressive when it’s bunched up like this. I’m not sure why I would need two condiments, but I appreciate the choice. I assembled the sandwich and put it on its special microwavable tray. Less than a minute later, it was indeed hot and melty.

It sure looked good enough, if not a little thin, but I was not very impressed with the taste. This roast beef is as close to real roast beef as Arby’s is, which should disturb you if you’ve ever eaten at Arby’s and wondered how they managed to get ham from a cow. It’s not quite that salty, but it’s still not close to resembling whatever I’ve eaten at a real steakhouse or barbecue joint. The “steakhouse” sauce is even eerily reminiscent of Arby’s sauce, a tangy, yet smokey mix of tomato and vinegar. I also found out that I prefer fake pasteurized cheese to real cheese, as the flavor of the sharp cheddar is a bit overwhelming. I think I can blame that on my corrupted sense of taste, though.

Individually, each ingredient isn’t worth very much. The meat could be found in packages for about 80 cents, the bread is worth about a quarter, the cheese is about 10 cents, and the mayonnaise and sauce are free at most fast food places. $3.50 is way too much to pay for this, even if it were an awesome sandwich. My advice is: buy each ingredient individually or just go to the local sub shop for a sandwich. Also, steal as many condiment packages as you can. You may feel bad, but it’s the only way to save some money so you can buy some fake gifts for the people you tolerate.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 package – 460 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 60 mg of cholesterol, 1410mg sodium, 51 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, and 25% Iron)

(Editor’s Note: Abi at HER (aka Heat Eat Review) reviewed the Honey Ham and Swiss version of the Oscar Mayer Deli Creations.)

Item: Oscar Meyer Deli Creations Steakhouse Cheddar
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Comes packaged in a fancy box with each item individually sealed. Comes out hot and melty from the microwave. Choice of two condiments.
Cons: Tastes like it came from Arby’s. Not very big or filling. Pretty pricey for what you get. Not being able to afford fake gifts.

I don’t know what to do with myself during the 35 seconds it takes to warm up an Oscar Mayer Fast Frank. Most microwavable foods I eat, like popcorn and Lean Cuisine meals, take three to five minutes to heat up.

During that time I can walk away from the microwave and do a lot of different things, like put clothes in the washing machine, check out baseball box scores, iron a pair of pants, or kill some random guy with my bare hands, but I can’t do any of those things within 35 seconds. If I was an inexperienced overexcited male about to lose his virginity, those 35 seconds would be more than enough to experience premature ejaculation, but I’m no longer that person.

Each box of Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, which needs to be refrigerated, comes with three individually wrapped weiners with buns in a heating sleeve. The weiner inside the wrapping comes in its own wrapping, all of which is sort of like the equivalent of putting your groceries in paper and plastic bags or double-bagging a weiner — anatomy, not food.

(Editor’s Note: Please don’t double-bag weiners — anatomy, not food. Double-bagging increases the chances of condom breakage. No matter how skanky the person you’re with is, double-bagging might not provide double the protection. So please, don’t let friends double-bag. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friends at The Impulsive Buy.)

Taking the hot dog with bun out of its wrapper, then taking the weiner out of its wrapper and putting it back in the bun, and then putting the hot dog in its heating sleeve in the microwave took slightly less than the 35 seconds it takes to warm a Fast Frank up. So I could prepare another Fast Frank while I wait for the first one warming up in the microwave, but eating two of them in one sitting would probably negate my daily Thighmaster workout, due to their high saturated fat and sodium content.

For those 35 seconds, I could just stare at the microwave, watch the Fast Frank rotate as it warms up, and feel the radiation on my skin, but there has to be a better use of my time. I guess I could just dance my way through the 35 seconds.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, that was me dancing. I have no rhythm.)

After the 35 seconds, I ended up with a decent tasting hot dog. Made out of turkey, pork, and chicken, the weiner warmed up thoroughly and was tasty, especially with the mustard I added to it. The bun was soft, but had a very slight staleness to it, which really isn’t surprising since it’s been refrigerated.

The Oscar Mayer Fast Franks seem perfect for those who are too lazy to cook. They are faster to warm up than a Cup o’ Noodles ramen, but unfortunately, they are significantly more pricey. The cost of each box of three individually wrapped weiners is roughly the equivalent of 6-10 Cup o’ Noodles. Its price is also about the same as a pack of hot dogs and a pack of hot dog buns combined, which will yield a significant more amount of weiners, but of course, with less convenience.

Although, with the time it takes to prepare weiners the old fashioned way, I will have more time to read my email, kill people my bare hands, or dance.

(Nutrition Facts for 1 Hot Dog with Bun: 290 Calories, 170 Calories from Fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein)

Item: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty weiner. Super quick to warm up. Perfect for people too lazy to cook. Good source of protein. Individually wrapped. Dancing.
Cons: As unhealthy as normal hot dogs. Really pricey for only three hot dogs. Cup o’ Noodles are cheaper. Double-bagging weiners — anatomy, not food. Putting a video of yourself dancing poorly on YouTube. Can’t do much in 35 seconds. Getting the Jumbo Hotdog song stuck in your head. Premature ejaculation.