Tag: Pepsi

REVIEW: Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Marvo 10 Comments

Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Ever since Pepsi Max was introduced in the United States a few years ago, it’s been my main source of caffeine, since it’s a zero calorie soda that provides me with 115 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. I’ve consumed a lot of it, so much so that if Pepsi Max was an illegal drug, I would’ve overdosed a long time ago; if it was a prostitute, I would have a burning sensation whenever I pee; and if it was regular Pepsi, I would have diabetes.

Pepsi Max Cease Fire is Pepsi Max with a hint of lime flavor and it’s the first variation of the high-caffeine diet soda in the United States. While the bottle says it has a hint of lime, it turned out to be more than just a smidgen.

It had an uncomfortable amount of lime that masked the cola flavor and made me briefly wonder if I diluted it with water in a bucket and used the solution to mop, could bring some luster to my tile floors? But just like seeing Jason Segal’s penis over and over again in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I somewhat got used to it.

The zero calorie, lime-flavored soda gets its name because of its claim to soothe the burn from spicy foods. Unfortunately, when I first opened the bottle I didn’t have any spicy foods in the apartment. So instead, I licked my arm several times because many women have said I’m mui caliente. But that didn’t work. Then I quickly remembered, as I pulled my arm hair off of my tongue, that those women didn’t say I was mui caliente, they said I was mui peludo.

So in order to test Pepsi’s claim, I had to walk to the convenience store down the street, while avoiding the temptation to visit the 24-hour massage parlor along the way, and pick up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After building a decent burn from eating half of a 3.25 ounce bag, I took a swig of the Pepsi Max Cease Fire and swished it around in my mouth. While the soda was in my mouth, it did soothe the burn a little, but then again wouldn’t most cool beverages that aren’t hard liquor. After I swallowed, the burn slowly crept back to a point that was only slightly less than what I started at.

So basically Pepsi Max Cease Fire, when it comes to soothing the burn from spicy food, is as effective as trying to put out the Burning Man fire by having one guy with a full bladder pee on it. It’ll help a little, but it won’t come close to putting it out.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Max Cease Fire
Price: $1.25
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Zero calories. A good amount of caffeine. 24-hour massage parlors. Regular Pepsi Max. Being mui peludo in the winter.
Cons: Uncomfortable amount of lime flavor. Off-putting aftertaste. Doesn’t do a good job of soothing the burn from spicy food. Being mui peludo in the summer.

REVIEW: Pepsi Shiso

Marvo 20 Comments

Pepsi Shiso

When I opened and smelled the Japanese Pepsi Shiso for the first time, I truly wondered whether or not a Japanese game show was going to break out around me called, “Nomimasu Ka?”, which in English means, “Will you drink it?”

(Note: My Japanese is EXTREMELY POOR. I have retained very little from my two years of Japanese language in college. So my Japanese above may not be correct.)

Every summer, Pepsi releases a limited edition flavor in Japan that can be described somewhere along the spectrum of unusual on one end and fucking weird on the other. In previous years, there’s been a Pepsi Blue Hawaii and a Pepsi Ice Cucumber, both of which landed on the unusual side of the spectrum.

The Pepsi Shiso is more on the fucking weird side.

I guess I find this bathroom cleaner-colored beverage very odd because I’m not familiar with shiso. But thanks to the information clusterfuck known as Wikipedia, I now know shiso is perilla in English, it is an herb in the mint family, and in Japan it is used in salads, spaghetti, meat and fish dishes, and occasionally used as a pizza topping.

Much like the other limited edition Pepsi from Japan I’ve tried, its initial flavor was a little off-putting, but the more I drank the better it seemed to taste, albeit still weird. Unfortunately, there isn’t any real shiso in this bottle filled with a liquid that’s colored like the radioactive rod that gets stuck in Homer Simpsons’ shirt during The Simpsons opening. Since I’ve never tasted shiso, I can’t tell you if this soda’s artificial flavor comes close to it, but I can tell you it tastes like sweetened grass. I also thought there was a cinnamon gum flavor as well, but mostly grass.

If I want drink something that makes my mouth feel like there’s a party going on in it, I’ll drink a rum and Coke or a Hawaiian Punch, but if I want to drink a beverage that makes my mouth feel like there’s photosynthesis going on in it, I’ll definitely drink a Pepsi Shiso.

(Note: Orchid64, who purchased the bottles of Pepsi Shiso for me, reviewed them and so did Mike.)

Item: Pepsi Shiso
Price: 147 yen
Size: 490 ml
Purchased at: Received from Orchid64
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: A little cinnamon gum flavor. It taste a little better the more you drink. It feels like photosynthesis is going on in my mouth. Interesting. Wikipedia.
Cons: Unusual taste. Sweet grassy flavor. Available only in Japan (although if you check eBay, you might be able to pick some up). Doesn’t contain actual shiso. Bathroom cleaner colored. Radioactive rod colored. My knowledge of the Japanese language despite two years of it in college.

REVIEW: Pepsi Natural

Marvo 24 Comments

Pepsi Natural reminds me of naked hippies.

Why? Sit down and I will tell you.

It happened during summer vacation after my sophomore year in college. I returned home to decompress after earning a well-deserved 1.6 GPA, which I obtained by failing Russian and Math 100. My high school friends also came home and we decided to do some camping and hiking along the Kona Coast, which is mostly made up of hardened lava rocks with occasional sandy beaches, private multimillion dollar mansions, and expensive resort hotels.

As we came upon one of the secluded sandy beaches, we noticed two people sunbathing. As we got closer, they stood up, and it was at this time we found out it was a man and a woman and they were naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen nude sunbathers. I was hoping we would pass right by them, but instead my friend said hello and soon after that a conversation ensued.

Their names were Ocean and Rainbow and they’ve been living on the beach for the past couple of weeks. The couple looked like they were in their 60s, but their leathery skin might’ve made them look older than they truly were. Ocean took a hit off of a joint and then passed it to his female companion, whose breasts seemed to have lost the war with gravity a long time ago. She offered the joint to us, but we declined. The smell of the marijuana helped cover their musky body odors.

Now if you’ve never met a nude sunbather, the first thing you might tell yourself is to not look down at their crotch, which is probably the right thing to think. While my friend was talking to them, I tried to focus on their faces, but something moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. I darted my eyes towards the moving object and saw it was Ocean’s penis. And it wasn’t moving, it was growing out from an unkept afro of pubic hairs. My eyes quickly shifted to Rainbow’s saggy breasts, then up to her blue eyes and stayed there. But my peripheral vision still noticed his rising cock.

Then I closed my eyes, but opened them when Rainbow called out Ocean’s name with a disapproving tone. “I guess I’m happy to see them,” Ocean replied.

The words coming out of his mouth drew my eyes toward him and then when he looked down, I also looked down and there in my vision was his bronzed boner, which was very similar in color to the Pepsi Natural, hence the reason why it reminds me of naked hippies. My looking quickly turned into staring, but I couldn’t help it because all I could think about was how horrible it must be to have a sunburned cock and I tried to see how the sun’s rays affected it. But I didn’t find out anything because we left soon after.

I think Ocean and Rainbow would like Pepsi Natural, but not because its amber color, that’s noticeably lighter than regular Pepsi, looks like the same shade as Ocean’s tanned penis. They would like it because it’s an all-natural cola made with sparking water, sugar, kola nut extract and eight other less exciting ingredients that either end with the word “acid” or “gum.” It doesn’t taste like regular Pepsi or have the same bite, instead it tastes somewhat earthy and not as sweet, which is probably due to the kola nut extract.

Overall, I did enjoy the flavor of Pepsi Natural. It’s definitely something different than what I’m used to when it comes to Pepsi, but that difference was refreshing. It still reminds me of a naked hippie’s bronzed boner (and after reading this review, it will probably remind you too), but I will continue to enjoy it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Natural
Price: $12.00
Size: 12-ounce 12-pack
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing flavor. Earthy flavor and not as sweet. All-natural cola. Twist top. Uses real sugar. Hiking and camping on the Kona Coast. Marijuana masking hippie body odors.
Cons: Different Pepsi flavor that might take some getting used to. Reminds me of naked hippie’s bronzed boner. Failing classes. Just doing it in missionary position. Saggy breasts. Leathery skin. Sunburned penises.

REVIEW: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

Marvo 39 Comments

All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.

I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.

Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.

I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.

Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.

If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.

Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback
Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from marketing firm
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback)
Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.

REVIEW: Pepsi Blue Hawaii

Marvo 29 Comments

Last summer, Pepsi in Japan introduced the very limited edition Pepsi Ice Cucumber, which sold out in less than a month and helped Japan maintain their title of Country Most Likely Not To Use Focus Groups. This summer, they gave the finger to focus groups again and released the limited-edition, Japan-only, Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

The beverage is based on the Blue Hawaii cocktail, which is made of rum, pineapple juice, blue Curacao, sweet and sour mix, and sometimes vodka. Despite living in Hawaii and being of drinking age for the past decade, I have yet to consume a Blue Hawaii, because I’m allergic to cocktail umbrellas and drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl ready to flash her boobs when a video camera and Joe Francis come by.

The color of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii could best be described as Smurf-like, which makes sense since the idea of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii made me feel the same way I feel about the future Smurfs movie — it’s probably going to suck, but it has a certain allure to it that tickles my smurfs. After tasting it, I have to say that the Pepsi Blue Hawaii isn’t so smurftastic, but it is just a little smurfy.

The pineapple and lemon flavor combination was really smurfing sweet and artificial, especially the pineapple. I really didn’t enjoy it at first, but just like my experience with the Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I got used to its flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. I think its fruity flavor would make it a smurftastic mixer if you want to get totally smurfed off of something blue and can get your hands on some Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

I’m not sure what the smurf is so mutha smurfing appealing to my taste buds with the Pepsi Blue Hawaii, but for some smurfing reason, companies in Japan seem to know how to make smurfing products that sound and look unsmurfy, but in the end, turn out to be kind of smurfy. So I look forward to a new mutha smurfing flavor next summer from Pepsi in Japan. My money is on Pepsi Ice Carrot or Cherry Blossom Pepsi.

(Editor’s Note: TIB would like to thank reader Fury for sending a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii from Japan, along with a bunch of other goodies to review. Domo arigato gozaimasu!)

Item: Pepsi Blue Hawaii
Price: FREE (only available in Japan)
Purchased at: Received from TIB reader Fury
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Just a little smurfy. Comes in a Smurf color. After a few sips, I got used to the flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. Might make a good mixer. Using focus groups. Getting my smurfs tickled.
Cons: Pineapple and lemon flavor was smurfing sweet and artificial. Didn’t like the flavor at first. Available only in Japan. Limited edition. Drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl. Cocktail umbrellas.