Tag: Pepsi

REVIEW: Pepsi Ice Cucumber

Marvo 36 Comments

Apparently, Japan has really huge balls.

It has produced some of the most innovative products available, like fuel-efficient hybrid cars; the Nintendo Wii; robotic dogs; vending machines that dispense beer, fried foods, or used schoolgirl panties; and Japanese ads starring American actors who need a quick buck due to their decline in popularity.

But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

To come up with the idea for Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I’m guessing it took quite a lot of sake, just like it did for all the other crazy ideas for beverages in Japan and this commercial starring Nicholas Cage.

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

Item: Pepsi Ice Cucumber
Price: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.
Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

Marvo 37 Comments

I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Carol.

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. I think it was Carol’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. I like to think that perhaps Carol liked me too, until she started hanging out with Randy, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Randy a friend, but after I saw him holding Carol’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Carol because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Carol, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Carol before Randy and after Randy. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Carol prior to Randy. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Carol in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Randy.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Carol would find Randy attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Randy would’ve looked like. Sure Randy was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Carol and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Carol’s dimples. Carol’s checkerboard skirt. Carol’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Gets shitty as it gets warm. That shaggy-haired bastard Randy. Mr. Owl.

REVIEW: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla

Marvo 44 Comments

I think The Impulsive Buy’s number one hater is right, I need to jazz up my life. Here’s what he/she/it wrote to me:

(Editor’s Note: Yes, the hater is real and so is the letter.)

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your pajamas all day fat crusty does nothing but jackoff and eat loser please be so kind and spare the plant another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you respond to this if you have the balls

I know. I know. It’s hard to read the email he/she/it sent to me, so for those of you who don’t understand the language of retarded, let me translate it.

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you. You’re a 30-year-old who sits in your pajamas all day. You’re fat, crusty, and do nothing but jackoff and eat. Loser, please be so kind and spare the planet another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you. Respond to this if you have the balls.

Despite how harsh this douche bag’s letter is, I think he/she/it makes a couple things very clear. (1) Inbreeding is bad. (2) My life is very boring and mundane and I need to “jazz” it up.

So I’ve been thinking about ways to improve my life by doing things beyond the masturbation and eating, which according to he/she/it is all I do. Actually, if I got paid to masturbate and eat all day, I would totally do it, as long as I got free Kleenex.

Anyway, the first thing I would do to possibly jazz up my life is take salsa dancing lessons, because I enjoy shaking my ass…in the mirror…by myself…to Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.” I would also like to take salsa dancing lessons because the instructor would have to partner me up with a woman and when the instructor does, it will be the closest I’ve been with a woman in several years.

The next thing I would do to try and jazz up my boring life is to attempt to get my name into the Guinness Book of World Records. According to my number one hater, I may already have the world record for sitting in my pajamas all day, but unfortunately there was no one here to validate that.

Instead, I think I may try to break the Guinness World Records for the number of pints of Guinness stout consumed within 10 minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool to have the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption and then gain about 20 pounds?

If I’m feeling really lazy, fat, and crusty, I could always just drink some Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla to jazz up my life. After all, it’s got the word “jazz” in its name. Much like alcohol provides me with “liquid courage,” Red Bull gives me “liquid energy,” and Astroglide allows me to have “liquid love,” I thought Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla would provide me with “liquid jazz,” but instead all I got was a good tasting diet soda and lots of gas, since I drank about a liter of it pretty quickly.

It maybe good, but it’s not as good as the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The cherry and vanilla flavors in the Jazz Diet Pepsi were kind of syrupy, making it a little too sweet, but they definitely covered up the usual artificial sweetener taste in most diet sodas.

Well I guess to jazz up my life all I need to do is get out more, but so does some jerkoff who takes the time to write hate emails in a retarded language to some quasi-product review blog editor.

Item: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Price: $1.59 (2-liters)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Free Kleenex. Getting out of the apartment. Astroglide.
Cons: A little too sweet and syrupy. TIB’s number one hater. My boring, mundane life. Writing hate mails in a retarded language. Drinking the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption. Inbreeding.

REVIEW: Pepsi Holiday Spice

Marvo 16 Comments

Ye holiday season is here!

Woo hoo!

It’s time to get into the holiday spirit and I’m trying to get into the mood by drinking Pepsi Holiday Spice.

I NEED to have the holiday spirit, as I prepare for the crowded malls, last minute shopping, excessive Christmas decorations, the color red, tinsel, children crying on Santa’s lap, and numerous kiss rejections under the mistletoe.

I would’ve gotten eggnog, but no one is selling it yet. So until someone starts selling it, I’m stuck with Pepsi Holiday Spice to get me in the mood for some holiday “fun.”

I know liquor is quicker, but I’m afraid I might relive my 21st birthday drinking binge, which involved ten shots in one hour, followed by dancing with two girls, flashing body parts on my body that shouldn’t be flashed, and dry heaves.

So what does Pepsi Holiday Spice taste like?

It has a nice spicy cinnamon and ginger taste and it’s really good, but let me think of a better way to describe the taste.

Hmmm…

Well go to your favorite store, whether it’s a local mom and pops or your gigantic mom and pops-destroying superstore, and look for a red soda bottle or can with the word Coke on it. Then purchase it or steal it, because there’s no way the old greeter at the superstore entrance will be able to tackle you. Then open it and when you drink it you will know what Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes like.

To make that unnecessarily long explanation paragraph short, Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes very similar to Coke.

If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic and you think what I just said is blasphemy, then go try it for yourself, YOU FRICKEN’ COKE-HEAD!

Wow. That last part was rude of me. I’m sorry.

Seems like I need more holiday spirit.

Well, I guess it’s a good thing I bought a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi Holiday Spice, because hopefully the more holiday spice I drink, the more holiday spirit I’ll have.

Item: Pepsi Holiday Spice
Purchase Price: $1.49 (2-liter bottle, on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Nice spicy taste. A great holiday drink replacement until eggnog hits the stores. Tastes like Coke.
Cons: If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic, it tastes like Coke. Too bad it’s a limited edition. Might need a bit more holiday spirit in it.

Pepsi Edge / Coke C2

Marvo 2 Comments

Pepsi Edge/C2

Here at The Impulsive Buy we like to push the envelope and do things no other quasi-review website has ever done.

Today we will be doing TWO reviews in ONE review. It’s like buying one and getting one free or two for the price of one. Of course you’re not paying for anything, but you get the idea. We came up with the idea from the national grocery store chain we shop at, which has various buy one and get one free offers. So yeah, we copied them.

What are you going to do about it?

Speaking of copying, our reviews today will pit the two top cola companies in the world, who constantly seem to copy each other, Coke and Pepsi. Think about it: Caffeine-Free Pepsi and Caffeine-Free Coke. Cherry Coke and Wild Cherry Pepsi. Vanilla Coke and Pepsi Vanilla. Pepsi Twist and Coke With Lemon. Crystal Pepsi and whatever Coke was creating, just in case Crystal Pepsi actually caught on.

This time around they’re trying to cash in on the latest low-carb craze. Introducing Pepsi Edge and Coke C2. Okay I’m making like these just came out, but as we all know, they’ve been around for a few months.

We were going to compare the two to see which tastes better, but we felt that it wouldn’t serve our reading audience of seven people, because some people prefer Coke over Pepsi and visa versa. Instead we decided to focus the review on each company’s claim that these reduced carbs and sugar colas taste similar to their big brothers.

Because The Impulsive Buy isn’t funded by some federal government grant, we could only buy one 20-ounce bottle of Pepsi Edge, Coke C2, regular Pepsi, and regular Coke from the national convenience store chain down the street.

When we got back to The Impulsive Buy Laboratories, we split the soda evenly among the reviewers. Unfortunately, in the laboratory there weren’t enough cups, so we ended up using whatever was around: measuring cups, beakers, test tubes, and a ladle.

We all chugged the Pepsi first. One of the reviewers actually swirled it around like it was a glass of wine and smelled it.

It’s a damn cola in a fricken’ beaker, it doesn’t need to breathe!

Then we all drank the Pepsi Edge. Another reviewer swirled it around and smelled it, just like the first reviewer.

Oh come on! Why would you WANT to smell the cola? The fizz might get up in your nose.

Next was the Coke. The third reviewer followed the other two and swirled it around and smelled it.

I give up!

Finally, we got to the Coke C2 and I just followed everyone else and swirled it around and smelled it.

Like it made a fricken’ difference!

At least they didn’t spit it out.

After the tasting, all of the reviewers agreed that Coke C2 tastes much closer to regular Coke than Pepsi Edge is to Pepsi. However, nothing can beat the sweet, sweet, succulent, sugary taste of original Coke and Pepsi.

Also, some of the reviewers feel that Pepsi Edge is more on the edge of being Pepsi One than regular Pepsi.

Item: Pepsi Edge / Coke C2
Purchase Price: Pepsi Edge – $1.29 / Coke C2 – $0.99
Rating: Pepsi Edge (3 out of 5) / Coke C2 (4 out of 5)
Pros: Less carbs plus less sugar equals less hyperactivity.
Cons: Less carbs plus less sugar equals less taste.