Tag: Personal

On the Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste’s container, which for some reason kind of reminds me of the Legion of Doom’s headquarters, the following is printed on its label: “Girls don’t like that crusty, crunchy hair you get from gels.”

If Axe’s canister copywriters are correct, I’ve been living in a style faux pas for the past several years, because I’ve been using a hair gel that makes my hair crustier than a hobo’s armpit and crunchier than a bag of Cheetos. But I love my hair gel because it makes something on my body remain stiff for more than four hours without the need to see a doctor and it gives my hair to ability to pop balloons so that I can make the children holding them cry.

The Whatever Messy Look Paste is part of Axe’s new hair product line, which is made up of shampoos, conditioners and hair styling products. It expands Axe’s Axis of Evil Aromas. For those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy readers, you know that I’m not a big fan of Axe products and have given them bad reviews because I think all their products smell alike and they have never gotten a guy tackled, kissed, groped or bitten, despite what their commercials show. Because of my feelings towards Axe products, I didn’t expect much from the Whatever Messy Look Paste, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it.

Axe has four hair products; each is used for a different type of styling: spiked, shaggy, clean and messy. The Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste, obviously, gives users a messy just-out-of-bed look, which is otherwise known as the It Looks Like I Don’t Give A Shit About My Hair, But I Really Do Because I Spent Five Minutes Looking At Myself In The Mirror Trying to Make My Hair This Messy look. I was able to make my hair messy with it, but I also made it fairly neat, as you can see above.

The hair paste was baby blue in color. If I remember correctly from my days as a drooling, diaper-pooping infant, that is a boyish color. Its scent was much more pleasant than any other Axe product I’ve tried, but it also smelled like a woman’s deodorant. And I should know what a women’s deodorant smells like because I’ve licked my fair share of female armpits for $50 on top of their usual hourly rate.

Applying the paste was simple; all I had to do was use a finger-tip amount, rub it vigorously between my hands, spread it thoroughly through my damp hair and style. Because the product was baby blue, it temporarily gave some of my hair a baby blue sheen, but it quickly faded as I styled it.

The product did a good job of maintaining its hold. Even after having it on the whole day, it pretty much looked the same as when I applied it. It didn’t make my hair stiff and it didn’t flake, but it was a little greasy, which would make it slightly unappealing for a woman to run her fingers through my hair while I lick her armpit for an extra fifty bucks.

Item: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste
Price: $6.48
Size: 2.64 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job maintaining hold. Doesn’t smell like other Axe products. Didn’t flake. Able to make my hair messy and neat with it. Licking a woman’s armpit.
Cons: Made my hair a little greasy. Smells like a woman’s deodorant. Baby blue color is kind of weird. Gives hair a temporary baby blue sheen. Having to pay $50 to lick a woman’s armpit (It should be included in the hourly rate).

Paying six dollars for two Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars may seem like a lot of money, but it is one of the ways I can feel like a wealthy asshole.

Some rich pricks buy fast European cars, some purchase houses with hidden dungeons, and others acquire things that should never be gold-plated or diamond-encrusted, like toilets and MP3 players for dogs, but because I lack the funds to purchase a Lamborghini, the Neverland Valley Ranch, or a shiny, anatomically incorrect statue of myself, I’m stuck with bars of soap.

Each Bloq Body Bar is individually wrapped in a box for either your pleasure, convenience, or sanitation. If it is the latter, I totally understand because I hate when non-individually wrapped bars of soap get dirty.

If only there was a product out there that could help me clean those bars of soap. Something that lathers nicely. Something I could conveniently hold in my hands. Something that could easily be rinsed away with water. I don’t know what that product is, but since these bars of soap are individually wrapped, I don’t need to worry about them getting dirty.

Besides being much more expensive than most bars of soap, the Bloq Body Bars come in a non-conforming square shape, which measures 2.75 inches wide and deep and weighs in at 4.5 ounces. Soap bar purists might get upset about its even geometric shape, but I think they would enjoy its light, clean floral scent, which I think is one of the better smelling bars of soap I have ever rubbed across my soft, pudgy naked body.

According to the Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars box, the bars are vegetable based, 99 percent naturally derived, and contain exfoliating jojoba beads. Unfortunately, after looking at its ingredients I couldn’t find any vegetables.

No carrots. No celery. No lettuce. No cabbage. No broccoli. No Keith Richards passed out after a whiskey binge. However, I did find that it contains olea europaea (olive) fruit oil, camellia sinensis (green tea) leaf extract, vitis vinifera (grape) seed oil, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), and aloe barbadensis (aloe vera) leaf juice.

I’ve been using a bar of it every day for more than a month (without masturbation) and it’s still got some life left in it for many more rendezvous with my hairy naked body that makes babies cry, scientists claim they’ve found Bigfoot, and makes dogs want to hump my leg. But when the dogs do hump my leg, at least I’ll smell good thanks to this Bloq Body Bar.

Item: Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars
Price: $5.99 (2 bars)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice, light, and clean floral scent. 99 percent naturally derived. Lasts a while. A anatomically incorrect gold statue of myself. Feeling like a wealthy asshole.
Cons: Pricey for just two bars of soap. Being a wealthy asshole. Square bars may make soap bar purists upset. Being in the Neverland Valley Ranch dungeon. Keith Richards after a heroin binge. No vegetables.

Right now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine me washing my body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Do you like what you’re picturing in your mind?

If you’re having a hard time thinking of what my lathered up bod looks like, let me help you out.

My chest is like Kate Moss’, except I have slightly bigger boobs than she does and a lot more hair. Growl! Like wooden chopsticks at a sushi bar, my arms are skinny, pale, and can only lift things by using both of them at the same time, unless I stab stuff with one arm. My gut could be a six-pack if I sucked it in hard enough, but I don’t, so instead it looks like a mini-keg. If you’ve seen rap video hoochies, you know what my booty looks like, except extremely pale. My legs are like a fine thoroughbred racing horse’s, only in furriness, not in shape or muscle definition. Finally, at certain angles my head kind of looks like John Cho’s from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Now wrap all of that together, and put some soap suds over it, and you can imagine me cleaning my wet naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Can you visualize it? Can you see my glistening physique? Oooh, do you like what you see? Do you like what you smell?

Well I don’t like what I smell, because the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist makes me smell like lemon Pledge wood spray.

The only times I should smell like lemon Pledge is if I’m getting it on with a hot cleaning maid who speaks very little English on a freshly-cleaned dining table or being sprayed in the face with lemon Pledge by a hot cleaning maid after using the pick up line, “I’ve got something else that’s hard and wooden that needs some cleaning…and lovin’.”

I don’t know if the Iced Tea Twist combined with my au naturel body odor causes some kind of chemical reaction to make it smell like lemon Pledge, but it disappoints me because in the bottle the Iced Tea Twist actually smells like the iced tea I make with the sweetened Nestea iced tea powder mix. It smells good enough that if I wanted to put a Jackass-type of video up on YouTube and the bottle didn’t specifically say, “CAUTION: FOR ADULT EXTERNAL USE ONLY,” I would totally mix it with some chilled filtered water, drink it, then call the National Capital Poison Center at 1-800-222-1222 and hope I don’t die.

The lemon Pledge smell is definitely a turn off, but the metallic brown color of the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is pretty and I would probably use it if I decide to pimp my 2003 Toyota Corolla and turn it into a rice racer. Finally, Iced Tea Twist is like RuPaul, because they are both 3-in-1. While the Iced Tea Twist is a body wash, bubble bath and shampoo, RuPaul is a woman, a man and FABULOUS.

So if you enjoy smelling like lemon Pledge, and I’m pretty sure one percent of you do, the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is the next best thing behind using lemon Pledge as an eau de toilette. For the other 99 percent of you, I would recommend avoiding it, because it’s not appealing at all, just like imagining me lathering up my naked body.

Item: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist
Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Smells like sweetened Nestea iced tea in the bottle. Cool metallic brown color. Body wash, bubble bath and shampoo. Hot cleaning maids.
Cons: Smells like lemon Pledge on my body. For external use only. Visualizing me washing my naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Having bigger boobs than Kate Moss.

I need a Monica Lewinsky.

I’m not talking about the alcoholic beverage called Monica Lewinsky, which includes blue curacao liquor (representing her infamous blue dress), coconut rum (representing the infamous stain on her blue dress), vodka, stirred with a cigar, and garnished with a mini black thong.

Nor am I talking about the ham-filled Monica Lewinsky sandwich, the head-bobbing Monica Lewinsky dance, or the Monica Lewinsky tooth brushing technique.

What I’m trying to say is that I need an intern here at The Impulsive Buy.

Preferably a woman, even an ugly one, like that Sanjaya chick on American Idol.

Oh wait, I’ve just been told that Sanjaya is a dude. Are we sure about that?

Anyway, TIB needs an intern because I don’t really have a way to find out whether the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste actually makes me kissable or makes my kisses taste delicious. I know lots of beer with Barry White music playing in the background makes me kissable and so does a paper bag over my head with a picture of Luke Wilson’s face taped to it.

Having a female intern would give me someone I could make out with — for review purposes only — and she would be able to give me instant feedback on how effective the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is. Sure I could turn to anyone of my usual make out partners; my pillows, my bathroom mirror, or the Winona Ryder wallpaper on computer monitor, but none of them would give me feedback.

Well actually the computer monitor does make my lips warm, my pillows might give me pimples around my mouth, and my bathroom mirror might give me herpes, but those are not the types of feedback I’m looking for.

As you can see from the picture, the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is packed with mini breath strips. Just like the gold flakes in >Goldschlager, the breath strips seem to be there only for decoration because they don’t make the toothpaste any more minty than others.

However, its minty berry flavor is good and its minty sweet taste reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste, which makes brushing a little enjoyable instead of the repetitive necessary chore that it is. So I guess with its good minty berry flavor, it could possibly make me kissable…or tolerable.

If I had an intern right now to make out with, they would probably agree with me. Heck, I’m at the point that I would even consider a dude as an intern. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s done for review purposes, I imagine I’m making out with Eva Longoria, and most importantly, I don’t get an erection.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Minty berry flavor is good. Kind of reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste. Female interns. Possibly makes me kissable or tolerable. Lots of beer definitely makes me kissable.
Cons: Mini breath strips are useless. Having sexual relations with female interns. Sanjaya is still on American Idol. TIB’s lack of an intern. My current make out partners: my pillow, my bathroom mirror, and my monitor wallpaper of Winona Ryder.

If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you may know that I’m a total Method fanboy. A Method product groupie, if you will.

So much so, that just like Motley Crue groupies from the 1980s, I would totally let Method products do lines of coke off of my ass.

What can I say? I love the curves of Method product bottles. The concentrated laundry detergent bottles have a nice hourglass shape. While the hand soap bottles have big, round baby-making hips.

Also, Method products are biodegradable and aren’t tested on animals, and when it comes to protecting nature and the environment, I’m all for it…except when it comes to those damn dirty duck-billed platypuses.

Damn freaks of nature!

They’re like the result of a duck, alligator, and mole threesome.

Method products are a bit more expensive, but sometimes you have to pay more for quality. Like if you want to drive something nice, don’t buy a Hyundai, buy a Mercedes. If you want to drink something nice, don’t buy wine that comes from a box, buy wine that comes from Napa Valley. Also, if you want good cocaine, don’t get it from Bolivia, get it from Colombia.

However, as much as I love Method products, I have to admit that it is hard for me to like this Method Olive Leaf Body Wash. I’ve used it for a week straight and it lathered up nicely and it made me clean, but I can’t get over the fact that it made me smell like black pepper.

I’m surprised I didn’t sneeze from the scent.

Since it’s hard for me to defend the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash, I’m going to have to turn in my Method Fanboy Card, along with my Method Fanboy Decoder Ring.

I guess I could compare the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash with the 2000 Motley Crue album New Tattoo. Both were over-hyped, didn’t reach fan expectations, and were significantly less exciting than Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s sex tape.

Despite how crappy that album was, the members of Motley Crue today could still do lines of coke off of the asses of groupies. After all, they are Motley “Fucking” Crue!

Although, I can’t say the same for the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash. I wouldn’t let it do lines of coke off of my ass, but because it’s a Method product, I’d totally let it feel me up.

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Item: Method Olive Leaf Body Wash
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Creamy. Lathers nice. Makes me clean. Biodegradable. Not tested on animals. Colombian Gold.
Cons: Made me smell like black pepper. A little pricey. Not good enough to do lines of coke off of my ass. Platypuses. Boxed wine.