Tag: Pop-Tarts

Remember when low-carb foods were the big food trend?

You couldn’t walk down an aisle in your local supermarket without running into a food that claimed it was LOW-CARB in, ironically, fat letters. But the oddest thing about this craze was finding low-carb versions of items that were nothing but carbs, like low-carb pasta and low-carb bread.

That trend fortunately died, or lost so much weight with its own low-carb diet that it can no longer be seen, but it seems in its dying moments it passed the food trend torch to high-fiber foods, like the Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts, which I feel is extremely dangerous because, as we all know, too much fiber can lead to flatulence and too much flatulence near a torch leads to a flamethrower.

Despite the pyromaniacal possibilities with high-fiber foods, I’m excited about the fiber content in these Pop-Tarts. Although it’s sad the fiber it provides excites me more than the fact that it’s a frosted chocolate fudge Pop-Tart. If I were 20 years younger, I’m sure the focus of my delight would be reversed and I would shrug my shoulders to the five grams of fiber in each Pop-Tart while I chomp my way through its toasted, gooey goodness.

With this particular version of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s has successfully made them slightly healthier, without making them taste healthier. They attempted the same thing last year with their line of whole grain Pop-Tarts, which were good, but had a slightly off-putting, grainy texture. This Pop-Tarts variation doesn’t have that same texture, despite having the same amount of whole grains, but its crust did seem a little more fragile.

Even with five grams of fiber and 16 grams of whole grains, it tasted exactly like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. It had a great chocolate flavor and if you were to give one of these to a 13-year-old version of me, I definitely wouldn’t know that it has 20% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. Although if I ate all eight pastries in one sitting, I would definitely know I consumed 160% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. And so would the people around me.

If that does happen, I hope I’m not near a torch.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and several vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. Great chocolate taste. Sixteen grams of whole grain in each pastry. Provides 20% of my daily intake of fiber in each pastry. Vitamin and minerals.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Crust is slightly more fragile that regular Pop-Tarts. Being excited about fiber. Eating an entire box of these Pop-Tarts. Low-carb pasta and low-carb bread. Flatulence and fire.

Like how Britney avoids court dates, for many years, I stayed away from Whole Grain and visa versa. I’m not sure when the dislike began between us. Maybe it was the time when I dropped the letters W, L, and E from its first name and went around calling it “Ho Grain.”

Or maybe it was the time when Whole Grain called me a “man-whore,” willing to give up my body to any lonely middle-aged/senior Japanese female tourist willing to buy me cheap cigarettes, a fake flower lei, squashed Twinkies, and a can of Asahi beer.

Those days have passed and Whole Grain and I have become friends. How did that happen? Well it’s because I’ve been seeing Ho Grai…oops, sorry, it’s kind of a habit. I mean, I’ve been seeing Whole Grain all over the place. I’m not only seeing it in the bread aisle, but also the cereal aisle, pasta aisle, and amongst all the Hot Pockets. I figured if I’m going to have to see it all the time, there’s no sense in being dicks to each other. So we called a truce, we’ve been getting to know each other, and apparently Whole Grain is not so bad.

First off, Whole Grain provides fiber and that’s something we all need in order to poop properly. Secondly, it watches the TV show 30 Rock. Thirdly, we both hate and wish nothing but the wrath of everything evil upon Wonder Bread. So all of that might be the reasons why I enjoy the new Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

It tastes just like regular unfrosted Pop-Tarts, except with a slightly grainy texture. There’s a drizzle of frosting on top and it is pretty good for something that supposed to be “healthier” than the original version. However, it tastes like regular unfrosted Pop-Tarts probably because their nutrition facts are very similar. The Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts have 20 less calories, 1 less gram fat, 0.5 less grams of saturated fat, 20 less milligrams of sodium, 2 less grams of carbs, 1 less gram of sugar, and 2+ grams more of fiber.

Despite the whole grain, the Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts are only slightly healthier than regular Strawberry Pop-Tarts, which is disappointing, but again, not surprising since they taste very similar.

Shit! I feel duped. You deceived me Whole Grain…or should I say Ho Grain.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, 10% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, 10% Iron, 10% Thiamin, 10% Riboflavin, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 4% Folic Acid, and 100% friendship)

Item: Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Strawberry Pop-Tarts. More fiber than regular Pop-Tarts. Slightly, slightly healthier than regular Pop-Tarts. Being Rickrolled.
Cons: Stingy with the frosting. A little grainy texture. Slightly, slightly healthier than regular Pop-Tarts. Just one serving of whole grain. Need a chocolate-flavored versions. High fructose corn syrup. Less than 0.5 grams of trans fat per pastry. Giving up my body for damaged food.

In college, my nickname was “Hot Chocolate.”

Well at least I wanted my nickname to be “Hot Chocolate,” but it didn’t catch on with anyone, despite my numerous attempts, like whenever I had to introduce myself in Japanese language class I would say, “Boku no namae wa Marubin desu. Dozo yoroshiku. Nikkunemu wa Hatto Chokurato desu.”

Or whenever someone introduced me at a party or I had to introduce myself in an English-speaking class, I would always say, “My name is Marvin, but all my friends call me “Hot Chocolate.”

That last part was a lie. Unfortunately, none of my friends called me “Hot Chocolate.”

I thought it would make a great nickname for me since I enjoy hot chocolate, listen regularly to the song “You Sexy Thing” by the British group Hot Chocolate, and have a habit of melting candy bars in my pants pockets.

It would’ve been a cool nickname if it caught on, but it didn’t, much like a bunch of fashion trends I tried to start in college, like bowties, bringing back the mullet hairstyle, and wearing jeans low to show off my ass crack whenever I sat down or squatted.

To this day, I’m not sure why I wasn’t able to get anyone to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Perhaps people didn’t know about my love of hot chocolate or perhaps it was that every time I said “Hot Chocolate,” I would say it in a high-pitched voice and then wrap my arms around myself in a B-boy pose.

I may not be able to get others to call me “Hot Chocolate,” but for some reason these new Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts have no problem being called “Hot Chocolate,” despite not even tasting like hot chocolate and marshmallows like the picture on the box suggests.

Sure it’s got the words “hot chocolate” printed on its box, but when I put “Hot Chocolate” on one of those “Hello My Name Is” name tags, that didn’t even convince anyone to call me by my desired nickname. I thought about getting “Hot Chocolate” tattooed on one of my ass cheeks, but quickly realized the words on my ass would have a totally different meaning whenever I had to take a crap.

Despite not tasting like hot chocolate, the Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts weren’t bad. They were chocolatey, but not hot chocolatey, and they weren’t as good as some of the other chocolatey Pop-Tarts I’ve reviewed. Speaking of other chocolatey flavors of Pop-Tarts, this one didn’t come with a recommendation to freeze them, but I did try them frozen and they were all right. Just like an Owen Wilson cameo in a Luke Wilson movie, or visa versa, freezing it didn’t make a difference at all.

Each Hot Chocolate Pop-Tart has 200 calories, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, less than one gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, 50 milligrams of mediocrity, and a variety of vitamins and minerals.

Now that I think about it, I’m actually glad that “Hot Chocolate” didn’t stick as my nickname, because I now have a new nickname that I’d like to be called. I think I’m going to try to get people to call me “The Pocket Rocket,” because of my love of cargo pants and my fascination with NASA.

Item: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Chocolatey. Vitamins and minerals. Hot chocolate the drink. The song “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate. Didn’t get that Hot Chocolate tattoo on my ass.
Cons: No one wanted to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Doesn’t really taste like hot chocolate. Freezing it doesn’t do anything for it. Melted candy bars in my pocket. My excessive use of quotation marks in this review. None of the fashion trends I tried to start in college caught on, especially showing off my ass crack.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are either Not Safe For Work (NSFW), Not Safe For Children (NSFC), or Not Safe If You Don’t Want To Have An Erection At Work (NSIYDWTHAEAW). Please click with caution. Thank you.)

Did you know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?

No?

Did you know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?

Didn’t know that either?

Well, did you know that every time Kellogg’s releases a new Pop-Tarts flavor, a new celebrity sex tape gets posted on the internet?

Don’t believe me?

Well recently Pop-Tarts introduced a new Mint Chocolate Chip flavor and recently TWO celebrity sex tapes have surfaced, a sex tape with Dustin Diamond, who played Screech from the TV show Saved by the Bell and another one involving Tickle Me Extreme Elmo.

Just like in a celebrity sex tape, when the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts get toasted and warm, things get gooey, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a good thing. Good things also happen in a celebrity sex tape when certain things are frozen stiff and the same can be said about the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts. I personally think they’re better hard and stiff than warm and gooey. As for its taste, it was as minty as a Girl Scouts Thin Mint, but not as good.

Now I did hours of research, looking back at correlations between new Pop-Tarts flavors and celebrity sex tapes. Of course, most of that time was spent re-watching some of the celebrity sex tapes over and over again, and sometimes playing them in slow motion, frame by frame.

Through those hours of research and a box of Kleenex, I learned celebrities don’t use condoms, people actually consider Tonya Harding a celebrity, Colin Farrell still looks like an asshole naked, I should never stand at the urinal next to Tommy Lee unless I want to feel inadequate, and I found more instances of celebrity sex tapes and new Pop-Tarts flavors being released at the same time.

In 2004, when the Paris Hilton sex tape became available, Kellogg’s released S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, both of which sound sexier and more erotic than the words, “Paris Hilton sex tape.”

In 2005, when Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts were beginning to pop out of toasters, a sex tape with Colin Farrell and a former Playboy Playmate popped up its head, along with the heads of many others.

I’m sure there were also new Pop-Tarts flavors when the Tonya Harding sex tape and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video were released, but I didn’t dig too deep into them because both videos scared me. The Tonya Harding sex tape was disturbing because it had Tonya Harding having sex in it and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape was unnerving because of Tommy Lee’s huge python-like wang.

Item: Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, kind of like a Girl Scouts Thin Mint. Better frozen, but not toasted. Slow motion.
Cons: Not as good gooey. Standing at the urinal next to Tommy Lee. Screech sex tape. Tonya Harding sex tape. Paris Hilton sex tape.