Tag: Quaker

REVIEW: Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults (Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan & Banana Walnut Bread)

Marvo 5 Comments

Oh, I wish I knew where Mikey was now. I want to know so that I can find out what he thinks of the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults.

He’d be the perfect person to ask because he likes Life Cereal and he’s now an adult. But he’s probably too busy with real life, which may include a wife, and maybe a young Mikey Jr. or a daughter he wanted to name Mikey, but the wife shot him down. He probably works in insurance sales or is a financial planner and drives an 2001 white Toyota Camry nearing 100,000 miles with the vanity license plate ILIKEIT.

For many years, the license plate was probably one of the few reminders of his past celebrity, because the VHS tape recordings of his commercials were eaten up by a VCR with heads that were never cleaned. Fortunately, YouTube was invented and someone posted his Life Cereal commercials online. He is probably responsible for half of the 450,000+ views of his most popular commercial on YouTube.

Mikey probably doesn’t eat Life Cereal anymore because he’s become lactose intolerant and it’s hard to eat the cereal without milk. If he has a wife, he loves her, but feels she only married him because he was “the guy from the Life commercials.” He feels this way because she introduces him to people as, “My husband, the boy from the Life commercials.” He thinks his wife is cheating on him, because she bought a lot of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret that he’s never seen her wear. But he also has a mistress, who has no idea Mikey has a place in pop culture, because she was born many years after the commercials stopped airing.

Although doing those Life Cereal commercials brought him some fame, when he looks at where his life has gone, he probably sometimes wishes his parents never forced him into auditioning for those commercials. If he didn’t, he probably wouldn’t be Mikey, he would be just Mike, or perhaps Michael.

If Mikey were here and tried the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults, I think he would like them, even though there’s nothing that resembles Life Cereal in them. The chewy adult bars come in two varieties: Banana Walnut Bread and Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan.

The Banana Walnut Bread flavor actually smells like banana bread. The banana flavor is noticeable, and thankfully isn’t artificial tasting. However, it tastes more like banana chips, which have a slight greasy flavor to them. The chopped walnuts yield little flavor and they seem like they’re mostly there to provide vitamins, minerals and to compliment the crunch of the whole grain oats and rice crisps in the bar.

The Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bars have a sweet cinnamon aroma. The cinnamon and frosting drizzle on top overpower the rest of the ingredients, which might make this bar too sweet for some. Even the chopped raisins got lost in the sweetness. Perhaps using whole raisins might’ve helped. As for the pecans, they play the same role the walnuts do in the other flavor, provide some nutritional value and add some crunch, but not deliver much flavor.

The folks at Quaker suggest warming up their Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults by sticking them in the microwave for 10 seconds, which seems to soften them. Does warming them up make them better? No. Is warming them up worth the 10 second wait? No. If you were immortal, would you wait the 10 seconds? Maybe. It would depend on how hungry I am.

Overall, the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults are decent tasting, a good source of B vitamins and provides 5 grams of fiber per bar. But I’m not sure why they’re under the Life Cereal brand, since they’re not made with Life Cereal, and why they’re labeled “For Adults.” Because unlike other things I’ve bought that were “For Adults,” I didn’t have to pull out my driver’s license to prove my age when I bought them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Banana Walnut Bread – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults (Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan & Banana Walnut Bread)
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Banana Walnut Bread)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan)
Pros: Both flavors were good. Banana Walnut Bread smells like banana bread. Banana isn’t artificial tasting. Contains 5 grams of fiber. Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bar have a sweet pleasant cinnamon scent. Good source of B vitamins. Full of other nutrients. Didn’t have to pull out my driver’s license to buy these adult bars.
Cons: No Life Cereal in them. Don’t know what Mikey thinks of them. Nuts don’t provide much flavor. Raisins got lost in the sweetness of the Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bars. Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bar might be too sweet for some. The sad world I imagine Mikey lives in.

REVIEW: Quaker True Delights Dark Chocolate Raspberry Almond Granola Bars

Kayla 11 Comments

I could call many things in life delightful, but then I would sound like a snooty woman who comes from old money and has never worked a damn day in her life A crisp autumn breeze is delightful. A properly poured pint of Guinness is delightful. The chance for a certain baseball team to bring home the bacon two years in a row is delightful. But to call a granola bar delightful, that’s just pushing it.

I feel bad for granola bars, even though they’re the whores of the snack food world. All they want is to be loved and enjoyed; instead they’re used as substitutes for what we really want. People, including myself, generally have an “Eh, I guess I’ll have a granola bar to tie me over until I have REAL food” attitude when it comes to the slutty snack that prostitutes its way from children’s lunch bags to the desk drawers of CEOs who had to abandon their three martini lunches because of the economy.

The Quaker True Delights Dark Chocolate Raspberry Almond Granola Bar is trying to be the Pretty Woman of the snack bar world. Dressed in its sexy black wrapper (a.k.a little black dress), it appears to be better than your run-of-the-mill granola bar that you can find slutting it up everywhere. My mother (and every “Very Special Episode” 1980’s sitcom) told me that the inside of a person, or in this case, a granola bar is what matters.

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the inside is just like any other granola bar. However, I wouldn’t totally dismiss it. This classy beauty wasn’t like her co-worker, Quaker Chewy bar, because she didn’t skimp on the good stuff like chocolate and nuts. In fact, she was chock full of nice semi-sweet dark chocolate chunks and crunchy almonds. Of course, the raspberry flavoring wasn’t that strong, but if you’ve read any of my reviews that include pseudo raspberry flavoring, I’m always bitching about that.

The bar was tasty, but you can find heartier granola bars, like the Nature Valley Trail Mix for less cash. Paying $3.49 for a box of five bars that each weigh a slim 1.2 ounces isn’t worth it. It’s pretty bad when the picture on the box says “enlarged illustration” and even that isn’t big. (Good thing they don’t show “enlarged illustrations” on bottles of Viagra)

These petite bars are good, but one won’t even satisfy mediocre hunger pains that always hit at around three in the afternoon. So what’s the point of getting a high class hooker granola bar that’s more expensive when it won’t even curb your need for something to keep your stomach from growling to the beat of the next annoying Black Eyed Peas single?

Where’s the delight in that?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 140 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin C and 4% iron.)

Item: Quaker True Delights Dark Chocolate Raspberry Almond Granola Bars
Price: $3.49
Size: Box of 5
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Black wrapper adds a classy touch to a whorey snack. Dark chocolate tastes good. A lot of almonds. Adds more variety to the granola bar category. The Phillies.
Cons: Having to settle for a granola bar. Small size. Lack of a strong raspberry taste. Using the word “delight” inappropriately.

REVIEW: Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars

Marvo 15 Comments

As someone who gets dietary fiber via Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 fatty acids from gummy fish, I should be stoked about the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but I’m not.

Because if an iPhone can be not only a phone, but also a music player, video player, Internet device and portable video game machine, then I should expect more from the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars.

If Quaker was able to enhance a granola bar with 35 percent of your daily value of dietary fiber and 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids, then why can’t they also include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Because I believe that you either go all the way or go home.

Sure, there aren’t many graphic designer who would want to attempt to design the packaging for a product with the name (take a deep breath), Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba & Fluoride Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but that granola bar, my friends, would truly be considered a superfood.

One granola bar to rule them all.

Each (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars is 3.5 inches long, three-fourths of an inch wide and about half an inch thick, which is kind of small, but also somewhat the norm when it comes to granola bars. The bars get their chocolate flavor from semisweet chocolate chunks in them and a chocolatey drizzle on top, and combined they give it an enjoyable chocolate flavor, which makes me think these could be really bad for me.

The bar’s downfall is how fragile it is. It falls apart faster than a Jenga tower in a game between a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey, both of whom will think they’re playing against hallucinations of themselves. It’s quite irksome to have the granola bar breaking down in my fingers and possibly causing pieces to fall on the floor; because my DustBuster no longer works, the maid service I use will no longer accept jobs from me due to “sexual harassment” issues and I don’t own a dog or goat that could eat it up off the floor.

To solve this problem, perhaps there needs to be a (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba, Fluoride and Elmer’s Glue Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bar.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 bar – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars
Price: $3.49
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good chocolate flavor. 35% of daily value of fiber. 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids from flaxseed. Getting fiber from Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 from gummy fish.
Cons: Breaks apart really easily. Kind of small. Only five bars (whatever happened to even numbers). Doesn’t include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Long product name. Trying to fit long product names on packaging. Being a Jenga tower in the same room as a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey.

Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go

Marvo 18 Comments

There’s the Antichrist and then there’s the Anti-Rice Krispies Treat, which I consider the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar to be. Instead of giving me a moment of crunchy, marshmallowy bliss like I would receive with a wonderful Rice Krispies Treat, these fiber bricks bring despair. It’s not its taste that saddens me, although I’ll get to that in a moment, it’s the fact that I now have to change my diet to make up for my years of poor dietary choices by eating the recommended daily amount of fiber. If I could get 25 grams of fiber from energy drinks, potato chips, cocaine, and anything I can heat up in a microwave, I’d be set and regular.

Like Cliff Notes and Kim Kardashian trying to put on a pair of jeans, the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar crams a lot into a small package. How high in fiber are these bricks of oatmeal? One bar has 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber, which is more than twice the amounts found in a 1/2 cup serving of plain Wilford Brimley-promoted Quaker Oats. Eating just one of these high fiber breakfast bars provides 40 percent of a person’s recommended daily amount of fiber. Consuming two of these high fiber bars at one time provides 80 percent. Devouring three of these bars in one sitting provides a good reason to stay close to a toilet.

The Quaker High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar is a dense, moist oatmeal cookie with a grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. I enjoyed this big bar of fiber because it’s much sweeter and tastier than regular Quaker Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal and you don’t need a spoon to eat it. Despite how sweet it was, the frosting drizzle on top seemed to be more for aesthetics than anything else. What does make them better, besides eating them nyotaimori-style, is warming them in the microwave for 10 seconds, which the packaging recommended.

However, not everything was so sweet with these Oatmeal to Go Bars. Two things that really freaked me out was the use of high fructose corn syrup, which is fine in moderation (but seems to be in everything), and the extremely long ingredients list, which had more items than a My Super Sweet 16 birthday party wish list. But overall it’s nice to be able to eat something that has almost half of my recommended daily intake of fiber, even if it does bring me to a state of despair.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 210 calories, 1 gram saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram monounsaturated fat, 15 milligrams cholesterol, 230 milligrams sodium, 150 milligrams potassium, 43 grams carbohydrates, 10 grams dietary fiber, 6 grams soluble fiber, 13 grams sugar, 4 grams protein, 20% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 15% calcium, 25% iron, 20% thiamin, 20% riboflavin, 20% niacin, 20% vitamin B6, 20% folic acid, 10% phosphorus, 10% magnesium, and 5 minutes spent with your favorite toilet)

Item: Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go
Price: FREE
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people, who continue to amaze me because they keep sending us stuff.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter and tastier than regular maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal. High fiber. Provides 40% of daily value of fiber. Convenient. Vitamins and minerals. Rice Krispies Treats. Eating these nyotaimori-style.
Cons: Grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. Very long ingredients list. Brings me to a state of despair. Contains high fructose corn syrup. A My Super Sweet 16 wish list. Eating three of these in one sitting.

REVIEW: Quaker Breakfast Cookies

Marvo 33 Comments

I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.

Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.

I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.

By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.

Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”

Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”

They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.

I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.

Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for sending me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)

Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.