Tag: Red Baron

Though factual evidence isn’t as plentiful as I’d like it to be (which, okay, maybe means my supposition is NOT true), it feels like nowhere are food cost increases more jarring than in the frozen pizza aisle. At most of my local grocery stores, a middle-of-the-road pizza like Tombstone or Red Baron, when not on sale, is somewhere between $6 and $7. A Totino’s — and I know, I know, it’s hardly a “pizza” (but it serves its own sort of purpose, like a McDonald’s hamburger) — is $2. And while I don’t want to be “old man yells at cloud” about it, I remember a time not all that long ago when these things were just a smidge over $1.

And then you get to the “top shelf” frozen pizza. At my closest grocery store, the DiGiorno Fully Stuffed Crust Ultimate Three Meat Pizza is $15.79. Take a moment and let that sink in. (I’ll also remind you that I live in Kansas City, not on a coast, and not on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.) The Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust Pepperoni is on sale… for $10.49. It’s hard to imagine anyone paying these prices, but I guess someone is. But when you can get a carryout two-topping from Dominos for slightly less than this, your frozen pie had really better bring it, right?

So is the Red Baron Fully Loaded Hand Tossed Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza worth the sticker shock? Look, I cannot in good conscience ever recommend that someone pay almost $10 for a frozen pizza. I just can’t. However, I can say that, compared to other pizzas at the same price point, this pizza is pretty great.

Though the “hand tossed” crust is pedestrian in terms of taste, it supports the heavy pizza well. There are three types of pepperoni present, regular circular, what seems to be a thicker cut triangle variety, and cubed. Accordingly, each bite is packed full of salty little bits of deliciousness. It’s worth noting that, for frozen pizza pepperoni, these things carry a bit of spice; not enough to make someone with an aversion to heat avoid it, I don’t think, but something that might surprise you if you’re not expecting it. The cheese isn’t snappy, but it stretches a bit, which isn’t ideal if, like me, you go at it too fast and end up with a napalmed chin. It appears to be a blend of mozzarella and cheddar, and there’s some parmesan sprinkled on the top, too, if I’m not mistaken. The sauce tastes like a canned generic pizza sauce, but it works.

Here’s what really struck me about this pizza — the sauce, coupled with the parmesan, really evoked the flavor of a Chef Boyardee home pizza kit. You know the kind. It comes in a box with the dough mix and the canned sauce. (And, in olden times, a packet of grated parmesan and Romano cheese.) If you’ve had that, you’ll have a good sense of how this pizza tastes. It tickled something nostalgic in me and momentarily made me forget that I was an adult paying exorbitant prices for any and everything, including frozen pizza. For that reason — and the fact that the pizza was damn tasty — I’ll buy it again. Provided, of course, that I find it on sale.

Purchased Price: $8.99 ($9.99 regular price)
Size: 28.75 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/6th pizza) 370 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 mg of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.

What is Red Baron Fully Loaded Pepperoni Pizza?

Red Baron’s new “Fully Loaded” product line is named for its generous toppings. This pepperoni variety promises two kinds of pepperoni tossed among mozzarella cheese and a zesty tomato sauce. Also available are Five Cheese and Supreme varieties.

How is it?

As an avid fan of both junk food and the written word, I like to luxuriate in product descriptions. Finding just the right word can evoke glorious imagery. As I read the official Fully Loaded descriptions on Red Baron’s website, certain phrases characterizing this new product line’s toppings appealed to my inner word nerd: “loaded,” “mounds,” “piled high.”

What bounty! What splendor!

Unpackaged, the pizza is unfettered from those lofty expectations. Contrary to the product’s name, the Fully Loaded Pepperoni Pizza isn’t overloaded with toppings, although it offers enough to deliver great flavor.

Slices of crisp, lightly spicy pepperoni pair with chewy, salty little pepperoni cubes to ensure each piece of pizza gets a hit of meat. Mozzarella covers the pizza but is too spare to achieve cheese-pull status. Flecks of cheddar are also present, but their flavor is largely lost among the mozzarella and pepperoni spices. The tomato sauce is a nice surprise: thick in texture with hints of sweetness and smoky paprika.

The real bounty of this pizza lies in the crust, which may be the most successful of all the Red Baron products I’ve tried. Moderately seasoned and buttery, it’s not too greasy. Thick and chewy, it somehow manages to remain airy and light. My only complaint is its tendency toward gumminess in the middle of the pizza, where the lightest part of the crust absorbs the sauce.

The crust’s edges are crisp — and I mean crisp. Have you ever watched a cooking show where the host bites into their final creation, turns to the camera, and asks the viewer, “Did you hear that?” I was tempted to recreate that for you, but this is a written review and so you can’t hear the satisfying crunch of my pizza cutter rolling through this crispy, crispy crust. I’m sorry for that.

And I’m sorry to demote your star status, toppings.

Anything else you need to know?

This pizza reminds me a lot of DiGiorno’s Crispy Pan Pizza because they have similarly thick, yet airy crusts at comparable price points. I like both products equally.

Conclusion:

Red Baron’s Fully Loaded Pepperoni Pizza is hearty, flavorful, and among the brand’s stronger offerings. The product’s name sets high expectations that the toppings themselves don’t fulfill, but its thick, crispy crust helps to deliver an abundant bite.

Purchased Price: $7.99
Size: 27.85 oz (1 lb and 11.85 oz)/789 g
Purchased at: Giant Eagle
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (per 1/6 pizza) 380 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.

Somewhere out there someone is warming up the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice in the microwave and while watching it rotate to pass the time they think to themselves that the product is a metaphor for their forlorn life. And that person could possibly be the loneliest person in the world.

Who is the loneliest person in the world?

The loneliest person in the world wants a cat. Or maybe two cats. Or three. Or whatever the number of cats the Humane Society allows them to adopt. Or whatever the loneliest person in the world can fit in their studio apartment. However, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t want to be known in their apartment complex as “the cat person” who has a machine gun bunker’s worth of kitty litter bags stacked in their apartment. Fortunately for the loneliest person in the world, their landlord has prevented “the cat person” label from being affixed to them by neighbors because pets aren’t allowed in the building.

The loneliest person in the world chooses to work in the exciting 10-keyed realm of data entry because it’s the Solitare of the employment world. It’s one of the few things the loneliest person in the world excels at. The loneliest person in the world is amazingly accurate and has never made a mistake, but double checks their work because the company’s standard operating procedures say so. Even more impressive is the fact that the loneliest person in the world is ambidextrous when in comes to punching numeric keys in a robotic fashion. The loneliest person in the world wonders why there is so much interest surrounding the world’s fastest phone texter. The loneliest person in the world believes they would type circles around the world’s fastest texter, if the loneliest person in the world had a cell phone, which they have no need for since no one calls them.

You would think the loneliest person in the world would have some friends at work, but due to poor social skills caused by an extremely sheltered childhood, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t interact with co-workers, but does acknowledge their greetings with smiles and nods. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t have anything in common with fellow employees. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t think anyone in the office is into hobbies that the loneliest person in the world enjoys, like medieval horseback archery, duct tape art and egg shell carving.

So the loneliest person in the world sits alone in the corner of the office’s break room, eating the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice, which is perfect for the loneliest person in the world since they have no friends to share the other slices with if they had a whole pizza. The loneliest person in the world wishes that it didn’t take so long to prepare, which included microwaving it for 60 seconds on the edge of the microwave oven’s turntable, then 70-85 seconds in the middle of the turntable and then, if the cheese isn’t completely melted, continue cooking in 15 second intervals. The loneliest person in the world has to microwave it an extra 90 seconds to get the cheese completely melted. Although it’s no problem for a data entry expert to press the numbers one and five repeatedly on any kind of keypad, the loneliest person in the world wishes they didn’t have to do so during a lunch break.

Although the life of the loneliest person in the world isn’t very exciting, it’s much more exciting than the flavor of the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. While the packaging brags about the fact that the two pizza slices included were “fire baked,” I wonder why that matters much since it’s going to be put through a microwave for more than two minutes. Sadly, during those two minutes, the “special crisping tray” doesn’t do a good job of crisping the crust. The amount of toppings on each slice was sad compared with what’s on the front of the box. Perhaps if each pizza slice had a decent amount of sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers and onions, it would’ve tasted better because it’s not a very flavorful pizza. Not even the sauce could save it because it was neither spicy or sweet.

If I were the loneliest person in the world, I’d avoid the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. Although, since the pizza is kind of sad and pathetic, perhaps it would make the loneliest person in the world feel better.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 350 calories, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 25% calcium 4% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

*made with fully hydrogenated oil

Item: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 2 slices
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Microwaveable. Comes with two slices. Being really good a data entry. Made with real cheese. Good source of calcium.
Cons: Tolerable pizza. Not very flavorful. Difficult to make cheese melt completely. Not a lot of toppings. Special crisping tray kind of sucks. Awesome source of sodium. Not being able to have pets.

With so many new products coming out every month, it’s become very hard to be competitive in the world of frozen pizzas. Creepy weirdo Wolfgang Puck and the fancy folks at California Pizza Kitchen can make shopping for a decent pizza very confusing. You’re already racking your brain wondering how Rachael Ray got her own talk show; you don’t need more queries running through your head.

So when you don’t feel like having peanut butter or bean sprouts on your pizza, you want something hearty, simple, and fattening. That’s where the Red Baron comes in. When he isn’t shooting down pilots during World War I, he’s making cheap frozen pizzas that are made with four foundational ingredients: cheese, dough, sauce, and grease. Pepperoni is often added for flavor. This is the case with these mini deep dish pizzas, which are look like the result of Bagel Bites ingesting a cocktail of steroids and HGH every morning.

Half of the battle with enjoying a frozen pizza is how you cook it. In my lazier days, I would simply microwave the crap out of it and then fry it on a bed of butter and parmesan cheese to crisp up the bottom. It was definitely quicker, but was it really worth the shame spiral that I put myself through? Probably not. The toaster oven is really the best place to heat these up, as you simply throw it in for ten minutes before being rewarded with crispy rounds of pizza goodness.

The box, though, claims that it is microwavable. We all know, however, that microwave pizzas are forever doomed to be disgusting and impossible to heat evenly. The cheese and sauce form a pink blob of sadness as they meld together in unholy matrimony. The cheese on the outside is burnt and the middle of the pizzas are filled with a small pool of water from the uncooked cheese. I’d venture a guess and say that the silver “crisping” trays that come with most microwavable pizzas are made from painted cardboard. This method of cooking is not recommended.

As for the pizzas themselves, they are sufficient for a quick snack and are perfect as an hors d’oeuvre at a hoity-toity sports party. You can even use them to feed your friends who you do not think can eat a regular pizza without smearing toppings all over your furniture. They are easy to eat and have those delectable cubes of pepperoni in order to ensure that every bite is filled with that greasy and salty flavor that America has fallen in love with.

Just don’t be expecting a Chicago deep dish where the majority of the pizza is toppings. These pizzas are mostly crust, so those of you who love your toppings and sauce might want to steer clear. Overall, it’s a cheap and filling pizza product that’s easy to make. You may not be getting any organic toppings or a message about some type of fair trade, but you’ll probably be too stuffed to care.

(Nutritional Facts – 4 pizzas – 470 calories, 26 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg of cholesterol, 980mg sodium, 43 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 4% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, and 15% Iron)

Item: Red Baron Singles: Pepperoni Deep Dish Mini Pizzas
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cubed pepperoni and ergonomic design makes for easy eating. Very quick to crisp up in the toaster oven. Can be served on a fancy tray with other bite-sized appetizers.
Cons: Mostly crust. Come out terribly in the microwave. Shopping for frozen pizzas can be confusing. Frying a microwaved pizza in order to crisp it up.