Item: Fiber One Salted Caramel Cheesecake Bar
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
I never thought I’d relive that fateful day.
It was my freshman year of college. I was hustling to class, doing my best to avoid being late to another midterm, when hunger pangs suddenly attacked. My midterm would take over two hours, yet I had neglected to eat anything beforehand.
Desperate, I ran to the closest location that served food – a Mediterranean-themed food truck. Because I didn’t have enough time to wait for them to reheat a plate of lamb and green leaves, I looked at the prepackaged snack foods they had on display. The cream cheese coffee cake immediately grabbed my attention.
“Wow! A delicious coffee cake with a cream cheese filling? What a novel idea!” I thought to myself. Ecstatic, I handed the vendor my two dollars, and went on my way.
It was only when I sat down and opened up my snack that I realized it wasn’t a cream cheese-filled coffee cake. Rather, it was just an ordinary coffee cake with cream cheese blended into the mix. Never had I been so utterly taken aback by a junk food’s misleading title.
Needless to say, I was much too despondent to focus on my exam, failing it just as swiftly as my coffee cake had failed me. Truly, one of my lowest lows. I swore to myself that I would bury this regretful memory, and never speak of it again.
But then I opened up a new Chocolate Fudge Snack Pack Pudding Bar, and it all came back to me.
When I first heard of these brownies, I hoped for a soft chocolate snack with a pudding center. (And yes, I refuse to refer to these small square-ish chunks as “bars” and the back of the box uses the word “brownies” too so I’m not wrong here.) After looking at the packaging, which advertises that the pudding is, unfortunately, mixed into the batter, I braced myself. Sure, it wouldn’t be what I was expecting, but the pudding could add an interesting texture and taste to a junk food that’s hard to screw up.
But the brownie was mediocre. A good brownie should be moist, sweet, and rich, and this was none of those things. Every bite was a dry experience. This surprised me, especially because the brownie had a pudding base, and pudding is about as liquid-y as desserts get. The chocolate flavor was unimpressive, bland, and it somehow managed to be worse than a Banquet frozen meal brownie.
But what about the pudding ingredient?
I can’t even answer that question because I have no idea if the pudding added or detracted from the experience. All I can say is that this thing, in no way, shape, or form, reminded me of pudding. Pudding is jiggly, moist, and simply fun to eat. This brownie was none of those things.
Was this snack an utter failure? No. It’s still a brownie, so it’s certainly edible, and it’s not like I gagged or lost my vision or anything. But would I buy it again?
No.
If you want the experience of a pudding brownie, buy a regular one and dunk it in some Snack Pack pudding instead.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 120 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)
Item: Snack Pack Chocolate Fudge Pudding Bar
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 bars
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Edible. Light on calories, relatively speaking.
Cons: Waste of an interesting junk food concept. Where is the pudding filling? Dammit! Dry.
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 6 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor, but I’m not sure it’s not what I would consider caramel. It kind of tastes Fig Newton-y. Soft, slightly chewy texture. Smells like brown sugar. Low fat. A decent tasting way to get five grams of fiber. I guess it’s easier than eating an apple. I mean, I can stuff a whole bar in my mouth, but I can’t stuff a whole apple.
Cons: Sometimes there are these bursts of saltiness, which are a bit off-putting. “Caramel bits” are really toffee bits. The bars look kind of small when unwrapped, they’re just 2-inch squares. Some people have had gas issues with the chicory root extract, which gives the bar its fiber, so don’t go through the box in one day…or even two days.
Nutrition Facts: 90 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.
Purchased Price: $3.29 (on sale)
Size: 5 pouches
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes similar to Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts. Light and crispy exterior. 100 calories per pouch. A nice little snack. No need to toast in order for it to be crispy, unlike Pop-Tarts. Nutritionally, two Cookies & Creme Pastry Crisps equal one Oreo cookie. If you eat a lot of Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts and think to yourself, “Hey, I should cut back on the Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts” these are the Nicorette Gum that’ll satisfy your Pop-Tart cravings.
Cons: Insides were a bit hollow so maybe they could use a little more cream…I mean, creme. Chocolatey drizzle melts in your mouth and in your hands. They’re pretty much portion control Pop-Tarts. Being addicted to Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts.
Nutrition Facts: 2 crisps – 100 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.
Sometimes you’re waiting at the ATM or buying a plunger or watching movers carry a divan into the lobby of an apartment complex and a brownie craving just plum rises out of the Earth’s crust, willing and ready to swallow you in a single gulp, and there you sit, defenses bare, without a bakery, grocery, or Easy Bake Oven in sight. What’re you to do?
Fret not, dear reader, for the hope of relief rests in sight, and it cometh in the form of a 0.74-ounce purple baggie.
Saturday was an exciting day: we survived the Mayan apocalypse, dodged a passing asteroid, and lived to see another National Haiku Day (and what’s more fun than short poetic verse??). In hopes to celebrate all these wonders in a fiscally realistic economic exchange, I skipped-the-doo-da-day down to the local supercenter and found these new-fangled Special K Fudge Brownie Bites.
Prior to opening my factory-sealed satchel, I noticed the special emphasis Mr. Kellogg stamped on the portion represented here.
Hmmm…
Considering the amount of Photoshopping that went in to that picture, I visualized myself opening the bag to find two, maybe three, dinky brownie nubs that would more likely than not remind me of hamster food. Nonetheless, I closed my eyes and reached in…
“Como?!” I uttered under my breath.
These were not the brownie shrapnel I feared. Quite the contrary, they were chewy without a wisp of a factory-sealed grease coating in sight. I was so surprised by my spontaneous bout into brownie-inspired Spanish expression that I had to try another.
And another.
And another.
Ten anothers later, I realized I had eaten the whole bag. After conducting an in-depth psychological analysis and setting my results against years of previous research, I am proud to conclude that these are, indeed, fudge-like in texture, which is an accomplishment in any regard. It got me thinking, “Gee willikers, I wish there were a superhero made of brownies.”
Luckily, I had five more bags of these, so I made one.
Indeed, his name is Brownie Man. He has a theme song:
Brownie Man, Brownie Man
Quicker than
A minivan
Not Raisin Bran
Or made of flan
He’s Brownie Man.
One of Brownie Man’s greatest strengths is his convenience. The compact size of these nifty little pouches leads me to believe I could take these brownies just about anywhere. To the hardware store. In a submarine. Lumberjacking through the dense Canadian woods. In fact, due to the compact size and easy disposal, I’m about 87 percent sure they would make excellent space food.
Of course, if you’re not a lumberjack or deep-space explorer, I am pleased to announce how excellently these fit in a lunchbox.
Sometimes, I crave a homemade, straight-out-of-the-oven brownie filled with milk chocolate chips that, when pulled, form molten lava ribbons. Other times, I covet a simple, no-fuss brownie that comes in a cellophane bag and requires absolutely no effort other than rip, pluck, and chew. These Brownie Bites fulfill the second.
That said, texture reigns far over flavor here. If you find yourself with a hardcore, exclusive-batch, better-than-the-original-Star-Wars brownie craving, these may not fulfill your inner needs (and, really, what can when talking about the original Star Wars?), but, for those who are just looking for a chewy packaged brownie or, if you’re like me and missing those Hostess Brownie Bites (oh, lonely Hostess, where has your pastry magic gone?!), these are a rainbow of light, guiding the map to a chewy treasure.
So follow the brownie brick road.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 100 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein..)
Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fudge Brownie Bites
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 1 box/6 pouches
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Soft. Chewy. Lots of little brownies per bag. Lumberjacks. Spontaneous Spanish expressions of delight. Surviving the apocalypse. Space explorers. Haikus.
Cons: Faint on the chocolate flavor. Excessive photoshopping. Not having an Easy Bake Oven when you need one. Buying a plunger.