Tag: Snack Bars

Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar

Marvo 26 Comments

It’s not often that I get bitchslapped by an energy bar, because it usually costs quite a bit extra to have that done. But this time it was free thanks to this Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar.

Although, I have to admit, this time it was the energy bar that did the bitchslapping and not some woman dressed in leather, chains, and spikes, with a strong German accent.

The Mad Dog Energy Bar comes to us from our friends in Canada.

Yes, that Canada, which has given the planet some wonderful things, like Wayne Gretzky, the band Barenaked Ladies, the sexy Shania Twain, and one-fourth of all stand-up comedians in America.

Of course, Canada also spawned the weapon of mass destruction that is known as, Celine Dion, whose voice, if used for evil, has the power to destroy the Earth, or if used for good, could destroy a gigantic asteroid heading towards the Earth.

Over the years, I’ve tried a lot of energy bars, but none of them really gave me the energy to do anything. The Snickers Marathon Bar never made me want to run a marathon, a PowerBar never gave me power to take over the world, Balance Bars never gave me the balance to dominate third graders at the game King of the Hill, the Luna Bar never made me want to moonwalk, and Clif Bars never made me want to climb a cliff to get away from people I own money to.

However, this Mad Dog Energy Bar was the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. It was able to do this, not with pitchers of water and thin white cotton t-shirts, but instead with the power of the Double G’s.

Not those Double G’s.

I’m talking about guarana and ginseng.

Found in almost all energy drink I’m addicted to, the Double G’s can provide long-lasting mental alertness, stimulate the nervous system, increase stamina, boost energy levels, stimulate the immune system, and reduce the effects of stress.

Surprisingly, after intensive research involving pictures of Dolly Parton, I’ve learned that the OTHER Double G’s also have these same effects on me, plus they make for great pillows.

Another ingredient that you won’t find in energy drinks, but will definitely find at a natural foods store in the form of clothing or rope, is hemp.

Yes, that hemp.

No, it’s not illegal to eat in the United States.

No, you can’t get high off of hemp.

Yes, I tried to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar.

Yes, trying to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar created a chocolatey mess.

Along with the hemp seed, guarana, and ginseng, the Mad Dog Energy Bar also consists of rice crisps, peanuts, and chocolate. All of that created a taste that maybe familiar if you’ve ever had a very strong expresso or used your mouth as a coffee grinder.

Being someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it took awhile to get used to the strong expresso-like flavor of the Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar, but overall it’s got a decent taste, and that taste is effective in bitchslapping me and getting me through the day.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jocelyn, co-founder of the parent company that created Mad Dog, for sending me a box of Mad Dog to review.)

Item: Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent taste. Perks me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. The Double G’s. The OTHER Double G’s. The Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Strong expresso-like flavor maybe too strong for most. Lighting a Mad Dog Energy Bar to try and get high. Celine Dion’s ability to destroy the Earth. Paying to be bitchslapped.

PowerBar Chocolate Caramel Fusion Triple Threat Energy Bar

Marvo 21 Comments

PowerBar Triple Threat

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Three of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. So far I’ve reviewed an energy drink and an energy gum. Today I’ll be reviewing an energy bar, and tomorrow I’ll possibly be reviewing energy underwear. Which is actually just glow-in-the-dark boxers, so maybe not.

Also, the winners for this month’s prize drawing have been chosen and you can see who won in the News section in the right column. Congratulations to the winners and thank you to everyone else who participated.)

When I think of energy bars, the first name that comes to my mind is PowerBar, one of the originators of the energy bar.

Of course, if you’ve ever had an original PowerBar, you know that it has the chewiness and texture of Play-Doh mixed with fine sand. Over the past few years, PowerBar has introduced less dense energy bars and their most recent concoctions are the Triple Threat Energy Bars.

PowerBars are designed for athletes who need some extra energy. Of course, my idea of exercise is occasional jogging and watching Bowflex infomercials, so finding out if this energy bar will help me with my workouts was going to be hard.

Fortunately, a Bowflex infomercial starting playing on television and I found out that the PowerBar Triple Threat helped give me the energy to not fall asleep during it. So I guess it did help with my workouts.

As for the taste of the energy bar, it tasted like fruit-filled chocolate. However, tasting like fruit-filled chocolate would make sense if I was eating from a Whitman’s candy box, but I was eating a bar that was supposed to taste like chocolate, caramel, and almond, or at least artificially flavored versions of it.

Now the reason why this PoweBar is called the Triple Threat is because it’s a bar that provides great taste, energy, and nutrition.

Of course, not all of it is true. As I proved earlier, it provided energy and with its many minerals and vitamins, the PowerBar Triple Threat has quite a bit of nutrition.

However, as I also proved earlier, it lacked that great taste. But two out of three isn’t that bad.

Too bad George Lucas has a much worse ratio.

Item: PowerBar Chocolate Caramel Fusion Triple Threat Energy Bar
Purchase Price: $1.17
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Full of vitamins and minerals. Kept me awake during Bowflex infomercial.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a chocolate caramel fusion. The texture of the original PowerBar.

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Marvo 21 Comments

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Ever since I started eating these new Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars, I’ve been acting kind of strange. I guess someone could say I’ve been acting “bananas” and “nuts.”

I’m beginning to think that the saying, “You are what you eat,” is actually true.

If you don’t believe me, then listen to the crazy things I’ve done recently.

Many of you know about my insane McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week. Besides Ruben Studdard, what sane person would stuff themselves with all that food in one sitting?

If you don’t think that’s nuts, I watched dangerous amounts of programming on the PAX Network, and when I say “dangerous amounts of programming,” I mean any amount over two minutes.

Still don’t think I deserve a straitjacket? Well how about me watching hours of the Ashlee Simpson Show, then buying her album “Autobiography” from iTunes, playing it over and over again on my iPod, and learning the words by heart, so I can lip-sync them as well as she can.

I guess I should’ve realized something was wrong after eating the first Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bar and soon after becoming the winning bidder for underwear on eBay.

However, the cereal bars were good and I saw my eBay purchase as a need for underwear and not as a sign of becoming crazy.

The cereal bars didn’t taste much like the actual Honey Bunches of Oats cereal, even though they had the same crispy flakes and oat clusters the cereal has. I thought it wasn’t as sweet as the cereal. However, these cereal bars were definitely better than the Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas cereal, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Besides being good tasting, these cereal bars are also sort of good for you. Each bar has as much calcium as a glass of milk and has nine other vitamins and minerals. However, this isn’t special because the better-tasting Hershey’s SnackBarz I tried a few months ago, with its crispy rice, marshmallows, and milk chocolate, is a good source of calcium, iron, and seven essential vitamins.

Yahtzee!

Plus, the Hershey’s SnackBarz didn’t make me do anything crazy, like eat in one sitting half a bag of Ruffles Light, with the anal-leakage-causing Olestra.

Well I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat any Hostess Ho-Ho’s.

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chewy. Calcium. 9 vitamins and minerals.
Cons: May make you go bananas or nuts. PAX Network. Lip-syncing. Olestra.

REVIEW: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch

Marvo 7 Comments

kazaam

I’m really skeptical about anything named Kazaam.

I blame it on the 1996 movie starring professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal called “Kazaam.” It took away 90 minutes of my life that I will never EVER get back. It took away $6.50 that I’ll never see again. It also made me start my mental list called “Movies I Can’t Believe I Fricken’ Sat Through.”

“Kazaam” was in the number one spot for several years, until it was replaced in 2003 by the American Idol flick “From Justin to Kelly.

Damn, the things I’d do for a woman.

The Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch are basically a chocolate dip away from being a Kudos Bar, with its granola, rice krispies, and chocolate chips. I happened to get my hands on the caramel one, but they also come in cookies & cream and rainbow chip.

They’re good. They’re sweet. They’re crunchy. They’re glorified granola bars.

Remember when granola was only eaten by dirty hippies who didn’t believe in deodorant.

I do.

Damn, dirty hippies!

Anyway, each box comes with eight bars and I went through all eight in two days. So they must be really good or I’m so bored that I have nothing else better to do than eat a box of Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch and watch Oprah.

So there are three things I want you to remember from this review: (1) Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch is good. (2) Shaquille O’Neal’s “Kazaam” is bad. (3) Hippies should use deodorant.

Item: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Waaay better than the movie Kazaam. Granola is no longer for just dirty hippies.
Cons: Sort of like a Kudos Bar. Damn hippies!

Tropical Splendor EcoBar

Marvo

Tropical Splendor EcoBar

I’m suspicious of “health foods,” or as we used to call them while growing up, “hippie food.” It all began with my parents’ attempt to feed me plain rice cakes during my “husky” years. If you’ve never had a plain rice cake, you know that it tastes nothing like cake, not even the crap you can make with an Easy Bake Oven.

Ever since then I’ve avoided anything “healthy.” Unfortunately, due to my slowly expanding gut, I’m beginning to see less and less of my penis. So I’ve decided to give another shot at health foods.

Recently I came across the EcoBar, which was on sale at the local 24-hour drugstore. The name of it sounds healthy, doesn’t it?

There were several flavors to choose from: Rain Forest Frost, Mountain Majesty, Ocean Berry, Desert Delight, and Tropical Splendor. At first, I thought about the Desert Delight, figuring it must be good like a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot apple pie. However, after reading the ingredients, which consisted of dates, nuts, figs, honey, toasted oats, and crisp rice with a creamy yogurt coating, I thought it didn’t seem much like a desert. Maybe if they added some chocolate, then it would seem like a desert.

Instead, I decided on the Tropical Splendor, which sounded pretty tropical with its pineapple, papaya, coconut, and mango, along with honey, toasted oats and crisp rice with a yogurt coating. It sure ain’t no plain rice cake.

One of the first things I noticed about the EcoBar was its nutritional value. It contains 17 vitamins and minerals: Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin E, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, Phosphorus, Iodine, and Zinc.

With a plain rice cake, I believe you get vitamins and minerals as well.

Hmm, let’s see. Nope, no vitamins or minerals, just oodles of tasteless rice.

How do you expect to get healthy from that?

With my past plain rice cake experience, I was expecting the worst from this health food. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by how good the chewy Tropical Splendor EcoBar was. The yogurt coating made the bar sweet, like a good candy bar. The mixture of dried fruit also made it very tasty.

The “Eco” in EcoBar stands for “ecology,” which is the relationships between organisms and their environment. Too bad the “Eco” in EcoBar didn’t stand for “economy,” because if they were a little cheaper, I would eat them a little more often.

For the price of one EcoBar, I could get two chocolate bars. Hey, isn’t chocolate considered health food?

Item: Tropical Splendor EcoBar
Purchase Price: $1.19 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Yogurt coating makes is taste more like candy.
Cons: Cheaper to buy candy bars. (Hey isn’t chocolate good for you!). A little pricey.