REVIEW: Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper

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Like a young woman who does not understand why she got so excited while watching Brooke Shields in the movie “Blue Lagoon,” I am confused about my feelings towards the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. Half of me thinks that this unusual tasting soda is good, but the other half of me thinks that if you drink too much of this shit it gets kind of fucking nasty.

Some of the best diet sodas I’ve poured down my gullet have been concocted by Dr. Pepper, like Berries & Cream Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and of course, regular Diet Dr. Pepper.

I may not truly know how I feel about this chocolatey variation, but just like any post-Ricky Martin Menudo lineup, I do know that it is not as good as any of its predecessors.

Just like the living arrangements in the TV show “Three’s Company,” the combination of cherry, chocolate, and Diet Dr. Pepper seemed like it would make for a good threesome, but as I wrote earlier, the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper has an unusual taste.

The chocolate flavor stands out, but it is a weird chocolate flavor that doesn’t bring back my memories of Yoo-Hoo, Chocolate Soldier, or that night with Hershey’s syrup and plastic sheets. Overall, I think it tastes like a maraschino cherry, which I enjoy and are usually found on ice cream sundaes, milkshakes, or in my mouth as I try to impress the ladies with my ability to tie its stem with my proficient tongue.

I thought it had a very sweet and syrupy taste, despite not having any sugar in it. It was a little too sweet for my liking and I couldn’t drink an entire bottle in one sitting without getting a little sick, but I liked the initial sips I took, which are the reasons why I’m torn about the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. I don’t know whether I should love it, leave it, or wait until it goes away since it is a limited edition soda.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 28 milligrams of caffeine, and limited nutritional facts)

Item: Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Unusual taste. I like it in small doses. Zero calories. Zero grams of fat. Zero carbs. Threesomes.
Cons: Not a significant source of any other nutrients. Unusual chocolate flavor. Too sweet and syrupy for my tastes. Too much of it made me a little sick. Not as good as other Diet Dr. Pepper variations. Post-Ricky Martin Menudo.

Vitalon P Drink

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For some kinky reason, I really hoped that the Vitalon P Drink contained human urine, but despite the yellow can with a huge letter “P” on it and the yellow-colored liquid in the can, it does not contain a single drop of it. It’s just another gimmicky Asian product, like a Hello Kitty Vibrator or Tila Tequila.

The only people I know who would drink canned urine are myself, hippies, really thirsty people, Fear Factor contestants, homeopaths, Golden Shower fans, and crazy folks who keep their nail clippings in a medicine bottle that used to contain the medicine that prevented them from being crazy and on that bottle the words “My soul” are written in chicken scratch letters.

But what if it did contain urine? Let’s go down the mushroom-induced Road of Pretend to see how urine could be mass produced.

To get the urine, I imagine rows of naked men drinking beer from a trough that is far, far away from any asparagus, then sitting around listening to the tranquil sounds of waterfalls or asleep with a hand placed in warm water. Then with the ringing of a bell, they get up and head to another trough to release their yellow, mineral-filled beverage from their external taps (aka penises).

Despite the trough being there as a huge target, many of the men will miss it, wasting valuable product and making the floor all wet, like the men’s restroom at movie theater after the last showing. Once they release their urine and shake off any drops, they go back to drinking beer from the trough and the process starts all over again. Of course, once the alcohol pissing prevention seal is broken with the first piss, urine will come more quickly.

Some of you might be thinking, “Why can’t it be naked women, you sexist pig?”

First off, women don’t have external taps. Secondly, I think most women won’t piss in a trough. Unscientific studies have shown that men will piss anywhere, even Dr. Seuss knew that.

I like to piss wherever I can!
I do! I like to, Man-I-am!
And I would piss off a boat.
And I would piss on a goat.

And I will piss in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
It’s fun to piss freely, you see!

So I will piss in a box.
And I will piss in my socks.
And I will piss in a pool.
And I will piss on top of a stool.
And I will piss here and there.
Say! I will piss ANYWHERE!!

Now that the mushrooms have worn off, I can tell you that the “P” in the Vitalon P Drink probably stands for pretty lame. From what very little English there is on the can, I can tell it’s supposed to be some kind of vitamin drink, containing vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Unfortunately, the can doesn’t say how much of each it has.

The urine-ish yellow carbonated beverage smells like pure sugar, thanks to the 35 grams of sugar in it, and it tastes like the white stick that comes with a Fun Dip, which unfortunately is as boring as any recent Ben Stiller movie. Just like the piss-resembling Corona beer needs a lime, I felt that the Vitalon P Drink needed something to help its flavor, perhaps fruit, tea, or even urine.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 140 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 52.5 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 0 grams of pee.)

Item: Vitalon P Drink
Price: FREE (11.8 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by oldest brother
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: No urine. Vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Being able to piss anywhere. The Road of Pretend.
Cons: No urine. Looks like carbonated urine. Sugary. Seems like a gimmicky product. Unknown amounts of vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Anything Tila Tequila. Recent Ben Stiller movies.

Pomegranate 7UP

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Since when has pomegranate ever been festive?

When I think of Christmas, I don’t think about pomegranate, but according to the snowflake covered packaging of the limited-time-only Pomegranate 7UP, it might be the second coming of mistletoe. I can think of many things more festive than pomegranate. People waking up at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday to wait in line at 4:00 a.m. for a slim chance to get a $399 laptop or $10 DVD player, but when they get there, there’s already fifty people in line wanting the same stuff is more Christmassy than pomegranate.

I don’t know of anyone who adds the pomegranate berry to trees, wreaths, or holiday centerpieces. I can’t think of anyone who uses its juice to either permanently stain all their clothes to holiday readiness or to paint a Santa suit on their skin. There also isn’t anyone who thinks pomegranate makes Rudolph’s nose red or adds color to Santa’s cheeks. So how can pomegranate suddenly be holiday-ish?

When I found out about the Pomegranate 7UP, I didn’t think to myself, “Move over, egg nog, I’m going to get fat off of another beverage this season.” But wait, now that I think about it, how would I get fat off of pomegranate? After all, it’s healthy and full of antioxidants.

Thankfully, the wonderful folks at 7UP have solved this dilemma for me, because according to the ingredients list on its packaging, the Pomegranate 7UP has no pomegranate in it and enough sugar to replace the fat content of egg nog, which will help me if I want to become a shopping mall Santa without the need for a fat suit. I know it says “100% Natural Flavors” on the label, but when there’s no juice in its ingredients to give this soda its flavor, you’ve got to wonder whether it’s as natural as Demi Moore’s face.

There definitely is a pomegranate flavor to it, although it’s kind of light. Its overall flavor is good and not sickly sweet, despite the 31 grams of sugar per cup. However, unless you love the taste of pomegranate, I don’t see any real reason to purchase this variation of 7UP. The whole point of putting pomegranate into something is for its health benefits, but when there’s no pomegranate to be found, it’s like a golddigger sleeping with MC Hammer in 1996 and then finding out that he’s bankrupt.

Oh, how I miss Pepsi Holiday Spice.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbs, 31 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of caffeine, and 0 grams actual pomegranateness)

Item: Pomegranate 7UP
Price: $1.49 (2-liters)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good. Not sickly sweet. Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.
Cons: Seems like there’s no actual pomegranate. HFCS. No sweet, sweet caffeine. 31 grams of sugar per cup. Golddiggers. Not getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.

REVIEW: Pepsi Ice Cucumber

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Apparently, Japan has really huge balls.

It has produced some of the most innovative products available, like fuel-efficient hybrid cars; the Nintendo Wii; robotic dogs; vending machines that dispense beer, fried foods, or used schoolgirl panties; and Japanese ads starring American actors who need a quick buck due to their decline in popularity.

But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

To come up with the idea for Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I’m guessing it took quite a lot of sake, just like it did for all the other crazy ideas for beverages in Japan and this commercial starring Nicholas Cage.

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

Item: Pepsi Ice Cucumber
Price: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.
Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero

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Hi. Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero here, but you can call me Coke Vanilla Zero for short.

Ever since my cousin Coke Vanilla came back to store shelves, he’s been partying it up and acting like he’s the greatest thing since Diet Coke. But to be honest he’s more like New Coke. Anyway, when he came back, he brought me along with him, and I’m glad he did, but ever since, he’s dragged me to all the parties and nightclubs just to be his wingman

I hate being his wingman and I tell him that. I’d rather just stay at home, watch some HGTV, maybe a little Discovery Channel, while eating some popcorn and sipping on a Diet Pepsi. But somehow he guilts me into going by saying something like, “Our cousin, Coke with Lemon loved to be my wingman, and would be, if he were still alive.”

I loved Coke with Lemon and may he rest in peace in Discontinued Product Heaven, but he would do anything you told him to, because he was a fucking spineless moron. Maybe he fell one too many times at the bottling plant, I don’t know, but his bottle was half-empty, if you know what I mean. For example, just because he had lemon in him, he thought he was a frickin’ Sprite.

Anyway, back to my other moron cousin, Coke Vanilla.

Being his wingman is tough because he will usually choose the beautiful woman with either a friend that kind of looks like a 300-pound Lorena Bobbitt, a friend that has the personality of anything inanimate, or a scary looking friend who should have the words “cock block” tattooed on her forehead. I think he chooses these particular women with the crazy friends just to spite me.

I don’t even think I’m a good wingman. First off, I have nothing good to say about my cousin Coke Vanilla to make him seem appealing to women, unless I like my pants on fire, like a liar. Secondly, I have “Zero” in my name. Who’d want to talk to a guy with a last name like that, because it’s like having “Penis” as a last name. Sure, I have a decent body because I have no calories, no fat and no carbs, but that doesn’t matter because I don’t even taste very good and I get all nervous around women. There’s supposed to be vanilla in me, but I don’t even taste it. It’s like the line between vanilla flavor and the artificial sweetener taste is blurred with me.

Maybe my cousin Coke Vanilla is the better soda and maybe that’s the reason why he ends up with three Fantanas and I end up with the least attractive fourth Fantana, who also turned out to be crazy, needy, and for someone who dances a lot in the Fanta commercials, she sure doesn’t move much in bed. It’s like I’m doing it with a mannequin.

You know which one of the Fantanas I’m talking about.

Item: Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Zero calories. Zero fat. Zero carbs. Decent body. Getting three Fantanas.
Cons: Can’t taste the vanilla. Not very good tasting. Horrible wingman. Having “Penis” as a last name. Getting the crazy, least attractive Fantana. Cock blockers.