Tag: Taco Bell

Come on, Taco Bell! Can’t you do better than this?

Can’t you come up with something better than the Steak Nachos BellGrande?

You’ve come up with some great ideas, but Steak Nachos BellGrande just isn’t a fun name to say.

GORDITA!!!

Look how fun it was to say Gordita.

CHALUPA!!!

Saying Chalupa was also frickin’ fun.

BEAN BURRRRITO!!!

Even saying Bean Burrito was fun, not just because I rolled the R’s and said it in a high-pitched, stereotypical, borderline offensive Hispanic accent, but also because of the alliteration.

Sure, I could roll the R in “BellGrande,” but it still wouldn’t sound very fun because there are too many words and syllables in the name and it also wouldn’t be fun to say, “Yo quiero Steak Nachos BellGrande” in my best Taco Bell commercial chihuahua voice, while ordering in the drive-thru lane.

It’s also not exciting to yell whenever I’m swinging at a pinata.

How about Mucho Nacho? Or Nacho Rancho? Or Steako Greato?

Even some of the ingredients in the Steak Nachos BellGrande have better names, like the carne asada steak and nacho cheese sauce. Okay, the tortilla chips, green onions, tomatoes, sour cream, and refried beans have plain names. But if you add the optional jalapenos, you not only add some heat to the Steak Nachos BellGrande, you also add another ingredient that’s fun to say and you can have fun with Taco Bell employees by asking for the jalapenos phonetically.

The Steak Nachos BellGrande was good. The steak was surprisingly tender and the optional jalapenos gave it a nice kick. However, I think what really made this product tasty was the nacho cheese sauce, which also made the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme tasty and added a nice crayon orange to the dish.

However, with 770 calories, 41 grams of fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 1230 milligrams of sodium, and enough carbs to make Dr. Atkins weep in heaven, I don’t think I’ll be buying it again. Although, it does have a whopping 10 grams of dietary fiber.

Hey! Maybe it should be called Nacho PoopGrande?

Item: Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande
Purchase Price: $3.59
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Steak was surprisingly tender. Nacho cheese sauce is frickin’ addicting. Optional jalapenos gave it some nice heat. Lots of dietary fiber. CHALUPA! GORDITA!
Cons: Boring name. High in bad trans fat and other things.

Oh man, I so badly wanted to chuck the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.

Not because it didn’t taste good, but because it looked like a discus and I wanted to set the Guinness World Record for longest Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme throw.

I also wanted to start a food fight in the middle of Taco Bell with some guy who was looking at me weird as I was practicing my discus throwing form.

Anyway, the Crunchwrap Supreme was around seven inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick, which is roughly the size of a regulation Olympic women’s discus. Inside its soft flour tortilla was seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and a crunchy tostada shell.

Not only are the nacho cheese sauce and sour cream the perfect ammo for messing people’s clothes in a food fight, they also make the Crunchwrap Supreme very tasty and, quite possibly, help me come closer to my goal of having my blood replaced with dairy products.

Perhaps the best thing about the Crunchwrap Supreme is the fact that, despite its size, you can eat it with only one hand and you don’t have to worry about it falling apart like other tacos, unless your hands are small like carny or you’re the notoriously clumsy pirate, Captain Stubsforlimbs.

Of course, being able to eat it with one hand has many advantages.

For example, you can drive and eat it at the same time, flip channels with a remote control and eat at the same time, slip a ten dollar bill under a stripper’s g-string and eat at the same time, and masturbate to a continuous loop of Victoria’s Secret television ads and eat at the same time.

In other words, it’s the perfect food to multitask with.

You don’t need to worry dipping it into something, like those who dated Paris Hilton. Also, you don’t need to worry about things falling out, like Tara Reid does all the time.

Item: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
Purchase Price: $2.49
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Nice size. Can eat with one hand. The perfect multitasking food. Makes the perfect food to fling in a food fight.
Cons: Hard to add taco sauce, but it really didn’t need it.

Sometimes I buy a product to please the Television Advertising Gods in hopes that they stop playing the DAMN annoying commercial that promotes the product.

This was the case with the new Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl.

The commercial goes something like this:

Some guy and his cute girlfriend come up to the register. The guy asks the person at the register if it’s true that the employees won’t make a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, until they order it. The person working the register says yes.

Then the guy jerks around with the Taco Bell employees by not completing their order for the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl. This goes on for a while, until the cute girlfriend interrupts him and finishes the order.

Why is it that some cute and smart women end up with assholes?

Anyway, in hopes of putting a stop to this commercial, I purchased a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl with it’s grilled, marinated all-white-meat chicken; cool, crisp lettuce; fiesta salsa; hot steaming rice; and warm beans. It also came with a dressing, which apparently gives it its zest.

I decided to taste the dressing first to find out if it was going to be another McDonald’s buffalo sauce.

Well the dressing tasted like crap, but I thought the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl wouldn’t be a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl without the zest, so I added it.

To my surprise, mixing it with the Border Bowl made it taste pretty good.

I guess it’s kind of like how fertilizer smells and tastes like crap, but when added to a flower garden, it makes the garden look beautiful.

You might be wondering how this is possible. Well let’s just chalk it up as one of those mysteries that may never get solved because most people don’t care, like whether or not Creed was a Christian rock band.

Despite sacrificing a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, I still see the DAMN commercial.

It’s a good thing the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl is tasty, because it looks like I’m going to have to eat a few more to please the Television Advertising Gods.

Item: Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A meal in a bowl. Border Bowl tastes good with dressing.
Cons: Damn annoying commercial. Dressing tastes like crap without Border Bowl. Didn’t please Television Advertising Gods.