Tag: Trader Joe’s

What is it?

A new candy bar that uses milk chocolate and bits of Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch-like cereal, which, as you can guess, is called Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal.

How is it?

I haven’t tried Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal, but from what I can taste in this bar, I feel as if it’s more cinnamon-y and less sugary. The bits provide a lot of cinnamon flavor, but that’s mostly it, more of which I’ll get to in a moment. If you’ve enjoyed cinnamon-enhanced chocolate bars or Abuelita Mexican-style hot cocoa, I imagine you’ll dig this. As someone who loves the chocolate and cinnamon combination, but doesn’t get to enjoy it too often, this candy bar was a treat. The chocolate has a nice creaminess and a great flavor, although its aftertaste makes my mouth feel as if I’ve been chewing Big Red gum.

Is there anything else I need to know?

The wrapper says “bits of crunchy cinnamon squares cereal” and that can be considered an accurate description of what’s inside the chocolate. But, apparently, my definition of “bits” is different than Trader Joe’s version because they’re not what I hoped for.

I expected nice chunks of cereal, but instead it’s as if Trader Joe’s took the crumbs at the bottom of a Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal bag, smashed them to make them smaller, and mixed the specks with milk chocolate. There’s some texture, but I refuse to call it crunchy.

Also, you should read the nutrition facts on the back because it will come in handy when you want to eat the entire bar in one sitting. The 70 percent saturated fat might get you to stop eating before it all ends up in your mouth.

Conclusion:

Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar is a great tasting candy bar, but I do wish there were bigger cereal bits in it.

Purchased Price: Received from a friend
Size: 2.8 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/3 bar) 130 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligram of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

I am convinced the LTO product mastermind(s) at Trader Joe’s is Willy Wonka. That’s the only way I can explain the Chocolate Commendation Bar. Like Trader Joe’s current name variations, like Trader Giotto’s, I’m going to call these masterminds Trader Insane-But-Fan-Effing-Tastic’s.

Okay, maybe Wonka Joe’s has a better ring to it.

While most food companies are focused on smaller portions, Wonka Joe’s decided to flip the script for the holidays and make their existing one-pound bar over 300 percent larger. Why not 100 percent or 200 percent? Because Wonka Joe’s knows that in ‘MURICA, you go big or you go home. After all, “a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”

At a solid 4 pounds 6.4 ounces, the Commendation Bar sounds more like something on a birth certificate, than a shelf. Apparently Wonka Joe’s considered naming this chocolate baby Super Size Chocolate Bars, Wicked Lahge Chocolate Bahs, or You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me With The Size of These Things Chocolate Bars, but ended up with Commendation Bar because it was worth celebrating. WTF? That’s like picking out names like Apple, Khaleesi, or Sparrow, but going with James.

Name nuances aside, here are my creds for tackling this four-pound beast: the one-pound chocolate bars are a staple on my shopping list. One time when I was purchasing said chocolate bar, the cashier asked if I was going to eat it all by myself. I looked at him indignantly, said “yes, of course,” and proceeded to go home to eat it all in one sitting. So, you can only imagine what the cashier was thinking this time with a four-pound chocolate bar. And, you can probably imagine that I thought I could tackle this bar in one sitting. Boy, was I wrong.

I picked the dark chocolate bar (61 percent cacao) over the milk chocolate (31 percent cacao) because I don’t like my chocolate too sweet. My typical one-pound bar of choice is the dark chocolate with almonds so I stayed in the dark chocolate family.

Opening the bar was like Christmas morning. The bar had 32 perfect rectangles with 11 vertical lines going through each, all wrapped up in silver foil. Given the amount of one-pound bars I consume, I consider myself pretty good at breaking off rows of chocolate but it took me forever to break off a single row on this one. I even smacked the bar on the floor a couple of times and it only dented the surface. A single rectangle was the size of my palm – at least this Commendation Bar is a really good value!

As indicated by the difficulty of breaking the chocolate, it was really hard to eat. I had to angle it sideways and bite like an Olympian biting a gold medal with their molars. Taste-wise, it was just like the one-pound dark chocolate bar – smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet.

One rectangle down, 31 more rectangles to go. I began thinking that instead of a commendation, it was condemnation like the infamous chocolate fudge cake scene in the movie Maltida. I was Bruce Bogtrotter gnawing away at the chocolate bar with my molars. Trunchbull? My own gluttony.

Unlike Bruce, I couldn’t finish the entire bar. I shamefully only finished a single row or four rectangles. Yikes, at this rate, I’ll be eating this bar until next December. Overall, I am impressed that Wonka Joe’s nails quality and quantity.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 square – 330 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 490 milligrams of Potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $14.99
Size: 70.5 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Willy Wonka (aka Trader Joe’s LTO product mastermind(s)) had to have been behind this. Good value. Smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet. Nails quality and quantity.
Cons: Really hard to break off – smacking the bar on the floor risks cracking your floors and not the bar itself. Secretly a condemnation bar if you try to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Each Halloween, we are given an invitation to be That Place.

You know. The one at the top of the hill with the full-sized Take 5’s and Reese’s Pumpkins that’s decked out with trap doors, creaky porch stairs, and an abandoned basement that’s haunted by Captain Windemere, the one-eyed Disc Jockey who refused to play special requests.

That Place? Is the coolest place in town.

And you and me? We could be That Place. But first, we gotta find, taste, and stock up on the best full-sized candy out there.

So it is that, in a spot of convenient timing, Trader Joe’s gives us not one, but TWO full-sized candy bars to consider for the occasion: the Quasar and the Boffo, here to compete with Milky Way Midnight and Snickers. The Milky Way-ish Quasar is the first runner up for consideration. Let’s see how it goes.

In a shape that may or may not look like the CTA-102 qausi-stellar object, this bar sports an impressively smooth coating that tastes of fudge, coffee, and Dove semisweet chocolate while the nougat provides an earthy fluffiness that reminds me of a malted milkshake. The caramel rounds things off with a hefty dose of stretchy toasted sugar. Taken together, there’s fluff, snap, and stretch, which sounds like it came straight from Richard Simmons’ 1995 classic, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2: An Aerobic Concert.”

And while that’s all well and good, it’s time for the true test: Milky Way Midnight v. Quasar.

FIGHT!

First off, who needs carbon dioxide and stardust? If I’m reading this right, our universe is made of chocolate, caramel, and nougat, which makes me want to quit my job and hop on-board the next spaceship. Look out NASA! Here I come!

Confectionary-driven occupational transitions aside, let us put our science cap on and compare the differences.

Biting in, the Milky Way is softer and fluffier than our Trader Joe’s compatriot. The caramel is thin, but powerful in its toasted-sugar-and-vanilla way. The dark chocolate, on the other hand, serves as little more than a crispy shell that tastes of air, wood shavings, and disappointment. The center nougat works double-time in hopes to make up for the chocolate by giving us a double punch of bright vanilla, but it can’t quite edge out what’s been lost in the chocolate.

On a second chomp of the Quasar, the nuances are front and center. Alongside the malt, sugar, and chocolate, there are hints of brown sugar and toffee in the caramel while the milk chocoltiness of the nougat and the semi-sweetiness of the coating balance off each other in a way that would make Count Chocula jealous. The nougat takes a little more jaw work than its competition, but the chocolate is richer and the caramel is stretchier. Without a doubt, Quasar, you are my new Milky Way.

Everything I know about Quasars I learned from Professor Higgins, Power Rangers, and these bars, and, while spatial distortions of gravity, magical swords, and chocolate bars seem dissimilar, they are connected by their capacity for their sheer, unlimited awesomeness. This bar reinforces that: the chocolate is just sweet enough, the caramel is stretchy, and the nougat is fluffy and light. In flavor, texture, and sheer “I want to eat that again,” the Quasar gobbles up the Milky Way Midnight, not even looking back as it cleans its teeth with a toothpick.

But are they good enough to make me That Place this year? I have hope.

Now I just need to find the ghost of a one-eyed Disc Jockey…

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: 99 cents
Size: 1.8 oz
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Balance of milk and dark chocolate flavors. Thick, stretchy caramel. My new Milky Way. Quasar CTA-102. “Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2: An Aerobic Concert.”
Cons: Nougat takes some jaw work. Making Count Chocula jealous. The ghosts of Disc Jockeys who refuse to play special requests.