Tag: Water

Everyone has these things they have to do everyday. Some people call them routines, some call them habits, some call them quirks, and some call them obsessive-compulsive actions, but everyone has them.

Here are the three things I have to do everyday:

1. Learn something new – It can be a new word, recipe, world capital, sexual position, or way to make a baby cry.

2. Give an offering to one of my celebrity shrines – I usually give ChapStick for my Angelina Jolie shrine, fresh herbs for my Rachael Ray shrine, an Emmy award for my Tina Fey shrine, and for my Winona Ryder shrine, a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card.

3. Drink enough water to make my pee clear – It shows that I’m well hydrated and when I pee, I don’t have to flush the toilet, because it looks like I didn’t do anything.

Some people say if your pee is clear, it shows that you’re healthy, but for me it also prevents other people from pointing fingers at me when they see “I ♥ Ryan Seacrest” written in yellow snow.

So how do you make your pee clear? You do it by drinking lots and lots of water.

They say everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day and I tried that, but drinking just plain old water got boring really quick. So I’ve been trying to mix it up with different types of water and it’s been sometimes successful and other times, like with the Aquafina Sparkling Water, it was a total disaster, like the Titanic sinking or any recent Ben Affleck movie.

You would think from that experience I would’ve learned my lesson with Aquafina water, but apparently I’m a sick masochistic son of a bitch, because I decided to try the zero calorie, zero carbs, and zero sugar Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash.

Yeah, Aquafina! Give it to me, baby! Oh yeah, I like the way you punish my taste buds! Make me grimace, baby! Make me gag, Aquafina!

So what’s the difference between Aquafina FlavorSplash and Aquafina Sparkling?

Aquafina FlavorSplash contains no carbonation and is artificially sweetened with Splenda, while Aquafina Sparkling has carbonation and all-natural flavors, contains no sugars or artificial sweeteners, and tastes so bad that plants would find a way to spit it out.

I thought the FlavorSplash was going to rock my world…in a bad way. However, it turned out to be not bad. It’s got a very light berry taste and it also tastes like someone dumped a couple of packets of Equal into the bottle and mixed it up.

It’s slightly better than regular water, but waaaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. I guess Splenda is good for something else besides pretending to be cocaine.

I thought I found a decent plain water replacement, until I let the half-full bottle (or half-empty for you pessimistic folks) of Aquafina FlavorSplash sit outside of the refrigerator for a few hours. It turns out that it’s like milk, the longer you leave it out of the refrigerator, the better the chances of you spitting it out.

Well as long as it’s chilled I think FlavorSplash is not bad, but then again, I think former MTV VJ Kennedy is a babe.

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Item: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Not bad. Cheap. Waaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. Zero calories. Zero sugars. Zero carbs. My celebrity shrines. I like punishment.
Cons: Tastes crappy warm. Most Ben Affleck movies.

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.

Yahtzee!

Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.

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Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.