Tag: Wrigley

Coffee.

For many it’s a morning elixir or a liquid alarm clock, if you will.

I’m not a coffee connoisseur for several reason: I hate waiting in long lines at Starbucks and I hear hot coffee farts aren’t pleasant at all.

A co-worker once asked me, how I can be so cheery and perky in the morning since I don’t drink coffee. I told her that I’m high on life and look forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.

After telling her this, she told me she hated me and then with a glimmer of animosity in her eyes, she took the lid off of her six dollar Starbucks espresso, had thoughts about throwing the scalding hot liquid at my face, but soon came to her senses, not because the hot coffee would burn me, but because she would be wasting a six dollar Starbucks espresso and would have to wait in a long line to get another.

Of course, what I told her wasn’t the truth, but I couldn’t tell her what really got me going every morning, which was either crack cocaine or lines of regular cocaine off of a passed out stripper’s ass.

I may not be a coffee drinker, but I seem to like coffee-flavored products, like ice cream and candy. I enjoy these products because they tend to be just like the way I like my women, artificially colored and flavored. Recently, I got to try the Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme coffee flavored gum, which finally appeared on the shelves here after being announced earlier this year.

You would think that having the town of Kona on one of these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, would pretty much guarantee the Kona Creme gum being on store shelves here when it was introduced, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

For those who don’t know, Kona coffee is considered to be one of the premium coffees in the world and it comes from a little town called Kona, which is a tourist destination, much like Oahu’s Waikiki or Maui’s Lahaina, except significantly smaller and without any transvestite prostitutes.

Speaking of transvestite prostitutes, this Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme gum is very much like one, because at first it was pretty good, but then after a little more chewing and digging it became something I didn’t expect…nor want…nor pay extra for.

When I first put it in my mouth it had a very good coffee flavor, which tasted much like other Kona coffee products I’ve tried. However, about a minute later that flavor turned into something I didn’t want to savor. It turned bad like it was Darth Vader and now I’m a Kona Creme gum hater and don’t really trust its creator.

Um, I’m not too sure why those last two sentences ended up rhyming.

But it might’ve been the cocaine.

Item: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Good coffee flavor while it lasted. Doing lines of coke off of a passed out stripper’s ass. Being high on life and looking forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.
Cons: Flavor doesn’t last very long. When the flavor runs out, it tastes pretty bad. No caffeine. Transvestite prostitutes, unless you’re into them. Coffee farts. Long lines at Starbucks for expensive coffee. Won’t freshen breath.

As I chewed on the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum, I wondered how can I be extra cool. How can I be the pinnacle of cool? How can I be so cool that if I wore a cardboard Burger King crown everywhere I went, everyone in the country would want to wear one?

But before I could become extra cool, I had to figure out how to be just plain old cool. The only way I could figure out how to do this was by watching the ultimate indicator of coolness…MTV.

So what did I learn from watching MTV?

The first thing I need to become cool is to get some Grillz made for me. Preferably, I need thirty down at the bottom, thirty mo’ at the top.

Another thing I need to become cool is that I must live in the community of Laguna Beach, in a house with a bunch of cameras and roommates from different backgrounds, but one of them definitely either needs to be gay, African-American, or both.

Also, I need to have a super sweet 16 party at some fancy-schmancy place with Fall Out Boy or Maroon 5 playing.

Oh yeah, I also need spinning chrome rims for my car.

But now that I think about it, all of this wouldn’t just make me cool, it would automatically make me extra cool. Sure it’s expensive, but I think it’s worth it.

Grillz…$30,000.

A crib in Laguna Beach…$7 million.

Super Sweet 16 Party…$35,000.

Spinning chrome rims…$20,000.

Seeing people around the country wear a Burger King crown on their head because I made it cool…Priceless.

Now all I need is about $7.1 million dollars and I’ll be on my way to coolness and the rest of y’all will be on your way to wearing cardboard Burger King crowns.

However, right now, I’m not even as cool as this Extra Cool Watermelon Gum.

Not only does it have the word “cool” on its packaging, it also comes in pink, which is probably the coolest color out there for women, some gay men, guys who have their girlfriends pick their clothes, and people who mix their whites and colors in the washing machine.

It also has very good watermelon taste, which was a taste I would’ve expected from Hubba Bubba gum, Bubblicious gum, Big League Chew gum, or a stripper who LOVES watermelon body oil, but not from a stick of Extra gum. How cool is that?

Even by association, the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum doesn’t even make me slightly cool. Right now, I think I’m as cool as an over-produced, mass-marketed “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader dramastically for letting me know about the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum. Also, go read TG’s take on the gum at NYCE.)

Item: Extra Cool Watermelon Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Significantly cooler than me. Good watermelony flavor. Decent-lasting flavor. No watermelon seeds. Chewing it doesn’t make me slightly cool. Comes in pink, which is good for some people. Strippers who love watermelon body oil.
Cons: Can’t blow decent bubbles with it. “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts. The amount of money needed to become extra cool. Not being able to realize my dream of seeing people wear cardboard Burger King crowns on their heads.

It’s hard to choose which Limited Edition Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Gum flavor I like best, because the blue and pink flavors are very similar.

They both have juicy AND fruity flavors; both are limited edition; neither comes in the color they’re named after; both have short-lasting flavor; and both have two of the most unoriginal chewing gum flavor names EVER.

Since I can’t decide which one I prefer, I think the best way to figure it out is to have an ol’ fashioned Color-off, which is a competition that involves naming things off of the top of my head that come in either color OR has the color in its name. Then I rate each item as either something positive or negative.

I have to come up with ten items for each color, count the positives, and then the one with the most positives will be the winner.

Ready? Here we go!

Pink prime rib…Positive (Unless you like your meat well done, then if that’s the case, go eat something else).

Blue police lights…Positive (Unless you’re wanted for something).

Pink poodles…Negative.

The blue sky…Positive (Unless you’re falling through it without a parachute).

The diet soft drink Tab…Negative.

The Blue Lagoon…Positive (Unless you’re a guy and masturbated to the love scenes, which is wrong because Brooke Shields was only 14 years old at the time).

An orangutang in a pink lace ballerina skirt…Positive (Unless it’s throwing its own poop at you).

Blue balls…Negative.

Pink eye…Negative.

Blue denim jeans…Positive (Unless you’re wearing it with a blue denim jacket, blue denim cap, blue denim long-sleeve shirt, and blue denim shoes).

Pink Floyd…Positive (Unless you think Pink Floyd is the name of an alcoholic drink, because you’re too young to know what Pink Floyd is).

Weezer’s Blue Album…Positive (Unless you don’t like Jonas).

Weezer’s Pinkerton Album…Positive (Unless you hate critically acclaimed albums that didn’t have a lot of record sales).

The Blue Pill from the Matrix…Negative (Unless you like living in ignorance, unaware of reality, and enjoy having a bunch of tubes sticking out of your body in a robotic human growing farm).

Pink Energizer Bunny…Positive (Unless you have a headache).

Blue Man Group…Negative (Unless you’re also into Smurfs).

The Pink Power Ranger…Positive (Unless you prefer the Yellow Power Ranger).

The TV show Blue Thunder…Positive (Unless you didn’t see any of the episodes during its very short 11 episode run).

Pigs, either alive or in raw bacon form…Positive (Unless you hate mud, the movie Babe, or have heart disease).

Blue Viagra pills…Positive (Unless your erection has lasted longer than five hours).

Done.

Hmm…Seven pink positives and seven blue positives?

Damn! That didn’t solve anything.

Anyway, the real winner is Wrigley’s for coming up with a way, albeit an overused way by Hershey’s, to sell gum. Also, the real losers are those of us who bought these packs of Limited Edition Juicy Fruit gum.

The flavors aren’t very special, they don’t last very long, and they have totally unoriginal names, much like boy bands.

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Item: Limited Edition Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09 each
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Fruity AND Juicy. Limited edition. Pigs. The TV show Blue Thunder. Weezer’s Pinkerton album. The Pink Power Ranger. The Energizer Bunny. Weezer’s Blue Album. Blue jeans. Pink Floyd. An orangutang in a pink lace ballerina skirt. The blue sky. Blue police lights. Pink prime rib. The Blue Lagoon. Viagra.
Cons: Not a low calorie food. Short-lasting flavor. Neither come in the colors they’re named after. Most unoriginal flavor names EVER, would’ve been better if they were named Blew Blew Blue Boo Boo and Tinkle Tinkle Pinkle Pinkle. Blue Man Group. The Blue Pill. Pink eye. Blue balls. Tab. Pink poodles.

Chewing gum. For some, it’s a breath freshener. For others, it’s way to tame their oral fixation. For MacGyver, with some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, chewing gum can be used to save the day.

However, for most it’s a way to freshen their breath, especially during instances when they eat garlic or onions, throw up after an evening of binge drinking, or make out with Courtney Love.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Lakitu emailed me to tell me about the new Extra Cool Green Apple chewing gum. I’m not a big fan of actual green apples, but I’m a big fan of artificially flavored green apple products, like candy, jelly beans, and sensual massage lotions, so I knew I’d probably like it.

Laiktu also told me she picked up the Extra Cool Green Apple gum from the community-destroying, traffic-causing superstore behemoth.

“Great,” I thought to myself.

Hoping to come out with only a pack of gum and not fifty dollars worth of goods, I decided to try out my patent pending Walmart Abstinence System for Totally Excessive Spending, or W.A.S.T.E.S. for short.

The concept of W.A.S.T.E.S. is simple. Leave all your credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks at home, and take only enough money for the product you plan to purchase. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how much the pack of gum was going to cost, so I put two dollars into my wallet.

That was a bad idea, because the gum was only 88 cents, leaving me with over a dollar to spend freely, which ended up being two candy bars.

DAMN YOU WALMART!!! DAMN YOU!!!

As soon as I got into my car, I opened the the pack of gum and pulled out a stick. The Extra Cool Green Apple gum smelled nice and tasted good. When you first chew on it, there’s a quick minty bite, but the rest of it was all green apple, baby!

It was nice to chew on a different flavor of gum than the usually minty and cinnamon gums I chew.

Like all Extra gums, the flavor lasted for a while. However, after spitting the gum out, the taste lingered in my mouth for hours after. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. However, what I’m about to point out next may make it a bad thing.

Besides telling me about the Extra Cool Green Apple gum and letting me know where to find it, Lakitu also mentioned to me that it made her breath smell like pakalolo. For those of you who don’t live on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, “pakalolo” is the local term for marijuana.

The smell from someone smoking weed is a very distinct smell and once you smell it, you’ll never forget it. People don’t call it “stink weed” for nothing.

While chewing on a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum, I tried to smell my breath by cupping my hands over my mouth and nose. Unfortunately, I couldn’t detect the smell of Mary Jane, so I figured Lakitu was just messing with my gullible mind or she’s been smoking a little bit of the endo.

However, a few days later I went to watch the movie Kung Fu Hustle with a couple of friends and I gave a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum to them at the beginning of the movie. I swear, at several points throughout the movie it smelled like someone was smoking a fatty.

So maybe Lakitu was right.

Anyway, even if it might make your breath smell like weed, I’d recommend the Extra Cool Green Apple gum. It’s good stuff.

Item: Extra Cool Green Apple Gum
Purchase Price: 88 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty damn good. Different than the usual minty Extra gum. Sugarfree.
Cons: Taste stays in mouth for hours after. May make your breath smell like you smoked weed.