Tag: Yoplait

When I first heard about the new Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix a few months ago, the first things that popped into my mind were, “Carbonated yogurt?” followed by “Oooh, I think that would perhaps make the perfect food sexual aid.”

Over the years I’ve dreamt of all the lickable food items I could use in the bedroom, but found a fault with each of them. Canned whipped cream…way overdone, thanks to the movie Varsity Blues. Peanut butter…smell isn’t arousing. McDonald’s BBQ Chicken McNuggets sauce…doesn’t taste well with body sweat. Melted chocolate…possible first degree burns. Pudding…a little too much sugar. Ice cubes…melts too easily. Mustard…too spicy. Ice cream…too cold, could cause frostbite. Nesquik powdered chocolate mix…takes too many licks to get it all and may cause irritation in certain areas. Maple syrup…too sticky. Thousand Island salad dressing…too chunky. Tabasco…doesn’t feel good on a nipple. Mayonnaise…too oily. Ranch dressing…not enough viscosity. Ketchup…it looks like blood.

Another problem with all of these items is how messy things can get. Many of these items slide down the body easily. Sure, it’s okay to get messy once in awhile, but having to wash your bed sheets EVERY NIGHT can get tiresome.

Fortunately, the plastic sheets I have from my mid-20s bedwetting phase would help with the cleanup, but I don’t like speed bumps whenever I make sweet, sweet lovin’ since I already have enough sexual speed bumps to worry about. Putting on a condom is a speed bump. Putting leather masks on each other is another speed bump. Fishing pubic hairs out of my mouth is another speed bump. So in the heat of passion, I just don’t have the time to put on plastic sheets.

The Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix’s carbonation and ability to stay on the body are the major reasons why I think it would make a great food sexual aid. I also like it because it’s cold and comes in an easy-to-apply-to-the-body tube form with a top that can easily be ripped off with my teeth. The Fizzix is also good for you, being that it’s healthier than any of the things I listed above. Get some potassium while licking it off an ass for fun. Or get some Vitamin D while you’re sucking it off of some D cups.

I thought the carbonation of the Fizzix would add a little tingle if applied to nipples, inner thighs, lips, a forehead, or armpit, but after applying it to my nipple, the only sensation I could feel was the coldness of the yogurt and none of the fizzing. In my mouth, I could feel the carbonation, but it was weaker than I expected. It’s significantly less fizzy than a regular soda.

Each box of Fizzix comes with eight 2.25-ounce tubes in two flavors. I tried the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt and Wild Cherry Zing. Both flavors tasted sweeter and less healthy than the usual Yoplait yogurt in the six-ounce cups. The cherry flavor was good and wasn’t too tart, while the more sweet than sour strawberry lemonade was my favorite between the two. With these being marketed to kids, I can understand why it’s sweeter than normal yogurt. There aren’t any fruit chunks in it, which is good because having fruit chunks in certain body crevices isn’t fun.

I guess the Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix isn’t the great food sexual aid I thought it would be since the carbonation didn’t add any tingle to my skin, but nonetheless, it is good and I will add it to the top of my repertoire. It’s cold, won’t slide off the body easily, can be licked clean without too much effort, and it tastes good, although you can also get that with regular Yoplait Go-Gurt.

However, it’s hard to truly determine the effectiveness of the Fizzix’s carbonation until I use it in action, but unfortunately I can’t test it, since I’m single, I can’t reach my nipples with my tongue, and I don’t have a dog who will lick anything.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 tube – 80 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbs, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin A, 10 percent RDA of calcium, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin D, 4 percent RDA of riboflavin, 6 percent RDA of phosphorus, and 100 grams of sexual kinkiness.)

(Editor’s Note: Here are two more Fizzix reviews if you need more of a Fizzix review fix. Gigi Reviews and Cheap Eats.)

Item: Yoplait GoGurt Fizzix
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Both flavors were good, but the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt was better. Sweeter than regular healthy yogurt. Doesn’t slide off of the body easily. Can easily be licked clean off the body. Plastic sheets for messy lovemaking session. Tube form with rip top makes it easy to apply to the body in the heat of passion.
Cons: Carbonation not as strong as I hoped. No tingling sensation on the body. Inability to reach my nipples with my tongue. Fruit chunks ending up in body crevices. Plastic sheets for mid-20s bedwetting phase. Sexual speed bumps.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are probably not safe for work. Unless you work at home. Or at a 24-hour adult video store. Or at Leather & Chains R Us. Or at a nightclub that’s located in some basement called The Torture Lounge that smells like leather and has more ropes than a Boy Scout camp.)

Because today’s review is about a product called Yoplait Whips!, it would be SO easy to start off this review by writing about S&M bondage gear.

You know, like whips, chains, spiked collars, leather masks, handcuffs, ball gags, ropes, belly chains, hobble skirts, thumbcuffs, bondage hooks, monogloves, sleepsacks, bit gags, belts, breast binders, ass hooks, chastity belts, corsets, D-rings, elbow harnesses, humblers, and inflatable gags.

However, since I seem to mention bondage in every fifth review, it would’ve been too predictable for me to write about things like muzzles, panic snaps, posture collars, ring gags, shackles, stocks, suspension cuffs, Berkley horses, fisting slings, whipping benches, blindfolds, bondage hoods, gas masks, vacuum beds, spanking paddles, and nipple clamps.

So instead of writing about pony harnesses, dental forceps, funnel gags, floggers, spanking horses, and spreader bars, I’m going to write about how the live and active cultures in Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt are the best I’ve ever eaten.

Live and active cultures are bacteria, except they’re good bacteria. They’re not like the bacteria that makes you sick or the bacteria you get after spending some time with a Southeast Asian bar girl who asks you to buy her a lot of “drinkie-drinkie.”

Having good and bad bacteria is much like how there’s bad cholesterol (LDL) and good cholesterol (HDL). It’s also like how there’s pre-Thriller Michael Jackson and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.

Although the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt had the best live and active cultures I’ve ever tasted, it wasn’t the best yogurt I’ve ever had. That title belongs to whatever TCBY pumps out of those soft serve machines.

Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy, which made me think there was some kind of fruit in the yogurt, but it’s only chocolate.

One of the things that was weird about the Yoplait Whips! was the texture of it. If you take a look at the picture above, the yogurt looks like a chocolate sponge or (insert your imagination here). I also think the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.

The Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is light and fluffy like an actual chocolate mousse, but it’s definitely not cream and smooth like one.

Hmm…Maybe the reason why I don’t truly love the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is because I don’t really enjoy things light and fluffy.

I prefer harsh and rough, with maybe a little biting.

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Item: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style
Purchase Price: 69 cents (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate yogurt. Best live and active cultures I’ve ever had. Good cholesterol. Five grams of protein. Things that are harsh and rough. Biting.
Cons: It’s like eating a chocolate sponge. Bad cholesterol. My armpits after jogging. Southeast Asian bar girls who scratch a lot.

I was going to see how helpful the new Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt was with lowering my cholesterol and making my heart healthy, but there’s no way one container of yogurt could significantly help lower my cholesterol and…HOLY CRAP, have you seen the needle they use to suck the blood out of you for a cholesterol blood test?

The last time I needed a blood test, that long-ass needle made me cry like a little baby. I don’t know how the hell heroin addicts do it.

So instead of checking if the Yoplait Healthy Heart could help give me a healthy heart, I decided to find out if it could mend my broken heart. However, it wasn’t as broken as it was about a year ago, so for more accurate results I had to find a way to break my heart even more.

This turned out to be a problem.

I thought about stalking an ex-girlfriend, but I didn’t want the hassle of ANOTHER restraining order.

Or I could’ve found a woman, used my patented Marvo charm, have her fall in love with me, screw up by not opening up emotionally to her, and then have her break up with me. However, that takes too much time and my patented Marvo charm hardly ever works.

Eventually, I found something that could rip out my heart and shove it down my throat.

I found a picture that I took of me with my ex-girlfriend, which I tore up when we broke up, put back together with Scotch tape when I started missing her, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, put it through a paper shredder after I ran into her at the movie theater with her new boyfriend, put it back together with clear contact paper when I was lonely one night, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, crumpled it up after I ran into her at the mall, and threw it into my closet.

Actually, I thought I burned the damn thing. Well I might as well put it to good use before I burn it and piss on it.

So to break my heart even more, I stared at the picture. I looked at her beautiful smile. Her beautiful seductive eyes. Her soft, wonderful-smelling hair. Her silky smooth skin. Her soft kissable lips.

WHYYYYYYY???

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!

I PROMISE I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

I PROMISE I’LL BE A BETTER LOVER!!! I’LL TAKE ENZYTE!!!

I PROMISE I’LL GO DOWN ON YOU MORE!!!

Staring at the picture worked, my heart broke even more and I began to cry like someone just stuck a needle in me for a blood test.

WHYYYYYYY???

After blowing my nose, I started eating the Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds, then I followed that with half a pint of ice cream, a couple of Pop-Tarts, half a can of Pringles, and several glasses of chocolate milk.

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

The Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt tasted a little different than the same flavor of regular Yoplait yogurt. Although, it still tasted good. The only real difference between the Healthy Heart yogurt and the regular Yoplait yogurt are the plant sterols (No, not steroids, sterols), which are added to the Healthy Heart yogurt to help lower your cholesterol.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!!!

Unfortunately, it didn’t help heal my broken heart. So I burned the picture and pissed on it, and that made me feel a little better.

Although, about thirty minutes later I was feeling lonely and I wondered if I could bring back the picture using the ashes and alchemy?

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Item: Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
Purchase Price: 55 cents (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes a little different than regular Yoplait Strawberry-Banana yogurt, but still tastes good. Same price as regular Yoplait yogurt. Helps lower cholesterol with plant sterols. Low-fat. High-protein. Vitamins A & D. Live & active cultures.
Cons: Unable to mend broken hearts. Long-ass needles. WHYYYYYY??? PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!! Patented Marvo charm.

I have this “thing” about anything that is strawberry-banana flavored. Ever since I mixed strawberry and banana Slurpees, I’ve been hooked to the sweet, delightful taste of it. I’ve enjoyed strawberry-banana Starbursts, strawberry-banana Jello, strawberry-banana yogurt, mixed strawberry and banana jellybeans, and I’ve even put on strawberry-banana flavored condoms.

So I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try a strawberry-banana Yoplait Nouriche breakfast smoothie, since it was on sale. However, from the beginning I had a problem with the product. How to you pronounce nouriche?

I remember having the same problem when I first saw Yoplait yogurt. I went around calling it “yo-plate yogurt.” Of course, this was wrong because of those crazy French, who made the “t” silent.

Yoplait is a French word, right?

So is it pronounced, “nourish” with a silent “e”? Or is pronounced like “new-richie”?

Nouriche is a French word, right?

Anyway, after I walked around a supermarket, waited in a long checkout line, carried my groceries to my car, drove home, took my groceries out of my car, fumbled with my keys, opened the door, and put away my groceries, I felt like I needed a Nouriche, but not until I took off its tamper-proof plastic cap, ripped off its tamper-proof protective seal, read “Shake Well” on the bottle, put its tamper-proof plastic cap back on, shook it well, and took its tamper-proof plastic cap off again.

The front of the label proudly states it has 20 vitamins and minerals, plus 10 grams of protein. However, the number that stood out on the back of the label was the 60 grams of total carbohydrates, which is enough carbs to make the late Dr. Atkins roll over in his grave.

Another number that stood out was the 46 grams of sugar. With more sugar than a can of Pepsi or Coke, I definitely know you shouldn’t feed this to hyperactive children, like myself.

Thank glucose, there’s a light version of Nouriche. I wish I knew that before I drank it and rearranged all the furniture in the apartment.

Overall, Nouriche was quite nourishing. (Get it? Nouriche and nourishing?) It’s basically yogurt in a bottle: creamy, sweet, and a little tangy. The two dollars I paid for it was worth it, but definitely not worth the regular price of four dollars.

Product: Yoplait Nouriche
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, creamy, sweet, and nourishing.
Cons: It’s hard to drink something I can’t pronounce and that makes me bounce off the walls. Can be expensive, if bought at regular price, unless you’re filthy rich.